how about these then now the kids have had a laugh time to give us oldens a laugh a few golden oldies ?
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.Be strong, honey. I love you.
"To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
It has been studied and determined that the most often used S*xual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs...And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too".
She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched c*cks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"
"It's a condom," The first lady replies.
"Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks.
"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist.
"Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?
"So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."
- shep6965Lv 51 decade agoBest Answer
As an "oldie" I had the the first and last jokes before, but had not heard of the 'doggie position' or the 'coincidence' jokes before. As I've had a really shite 2 weeks, [two bereavements] these really cheered me up somewhat so thanks for that.
- mistymissLv 61 decade ago
Best laugh of the day so far. Have a star
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Sorry mate but My definition of a joke is something that makes me laugh, and unfortunately, these didn't.
I wouldn't worry though because you're in good company on here, everyone will either say ROFL, ROFLMAO, LMAO or LOL.
I'm really not trying to be a prick, I don't know you therefore have nothing against you. It just seems to me that either everyone who reads a joke on here will laugh at anything or they just say it's funny to not be left out and get thumbs down, like I will undoubtedly get for this answer.
Out of the hundreds of jokes I've seen on here, 1 or 2 have made me laugh and a couple have made me smile but the rest have been absolute shite.(although everyone else seems to have had the urge to roll about on the floor whilst laughing)
As I say, I have nothing against you personally.
Keep up the good work.
ps, don't get me wrong, these are better than 99% of the jokes on here.Source(s): thumbs down time!
- Where can I parkLv 61 decade ago
Loved the second one the best!
Thanks for sharing *
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
LOL. They were fantastic. Have a star for making me laugh LOL
- mememeLv 51 decade ago
loved all of them haven't heard the 1st 2 before,
- Lauren [O].Lv 51 decade ago
AHAHAHAHAHAH *wipes tear* omg dude that was fricking hilarious
- 1 decade ago
Never heard them before...
- JAM123Lv 71 decade ago
Ha ha ha.!!!
Excellent ones Chris.!!!
- Red RoseLv 61 decade ago
Best laugh I've had all day.