Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

what makes women stay in a bad marriage?

i have plenty of reasons to leave my husband, details are at:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkkzA...

i don't love, trust or respect my husband. yet i am unable to leave him. i am trying to think what is making me stay.

maybe he has emotionally abused me so much i think i can't look after myself and be alone and OK. maybe it is stockholm syndrome that makes me think the alternative (not being with him) might be worse. maybe i think i made such a terrible mistake marrying this guy, so it seems i cannot judge people and their intentions, so what is the guarantee i won't make the same mistake again? maybe my self-confidence is so eroded that i think i will never find someone again, and even if they do, they will cheat me like this one did.

why can i not find strength to leave him? did anyone go through this kind of situation? i am not financually dependent on him, there are no kids or shared property. divorce ought to be easy.

does anyone know any sex addicts who reform and habitual liars who stop lying? can you make that great changes when you are in your mid 30s?

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Hmmm...I do not know where to start. I do know that any relationship is never one-sided. This question is burning with red hot anger and I am trying to get through this fire to answer your question. I do not think you were a mad woman when you wed but instead you are fuming your frustrations here. I am about to say some things you may not like. I read the notes from the other question and feel you two are alike in many ways, or at least the way you handle problems, so maybe he wants to leave you too. Specifically, you stated he is attached to his mother and needed permission from her to pursue a marriage. Well after two questions on yahoo answers it looks like you are seeking permission to leave him. If the two of you are continuously seeking information from other people to run your marriage then of course this relationhsip is not going to work. You also suggest he does not respond to problems, where you do not seem to either. There are sooo many people telling you to leave but you post a second question instead. This is a big issue that needs to be taken care of. Also, in trying to resolve the problem you mention divorce, fine but add a couple of therapy sessions as well. The reason I say this is right after you discuss divorce you turn to abandonment and mate searching issues. This type of thinking will NOT get you what you want or who you want. A new man will always have issues to you because in the second paragraph you already assume the next man will be "like this one" so no matter how good they are they will always have this thick wall to break through before they earn your trust. Okay, maybe he is abusive but in many ways women who are used to this type of relationship seek it out (whether aware of it or not) because this is all they know. This has to be resolved or you will never be respected and treated like you should be. He does not support your interests and ambitions, well you are not supporting his (although I am not suggesting you do) but instead are telling him his interest (****) is a "problem" (so why would he want to encourage your interests). So on that note work on yourself...build up your confidence and try not to put all the blame on someone else (by owning up to your decisions and behavior you make it easier to resolve issues). You made the decision to marry him but you are listing all these things you don't like...you want change but you want someone else to do it for you. It is you who is making the choice to stay, and there is a good chance yahoo answers will be the only way you deal with this until you choose to leave. So just leave...just do it (part 1 of working out your own problems) because in reality what can be worse than how you are already living?

  • 4 years ago

    First you sound sympathetic to his issues than you express a little envy because he has some social activities that don't include you.Well,you knew that having babies would fall mostly on you the female because that's usually how it is,so that shouldn't have come as a surprise that you would be housebound.The money issue can only be handled with more money and if making more right now isn't an option then just manage better,Managing the money better would help relieve some of the pressures on you both.If you need some out time then arrange for some .It's not impossible for some one to watch the kids once or twice a month for you for free.Work out these issues.When the difficult times are around these times make or break the characters of the people involved and if both of you are committed to doing the right things,then you will have these times to look back on and teach your kids how you all made it through.It's not easy to keep promises and commitments but the rewards for doing so are priceless.Good Luck and remember home is a refuge not a battle field and the marriage bed is for more than sex,it's the place you two come together and lay together and discuss the day and the future while wrapped in each others arms.

  • 1 decade ago

    Just b4 getting divorced y dont u try being seperated for a while which would give ur husband an opportunity to think abt what to do if he wants to save the marriage. Also it would give u some mental strength to face divorce if it comes. Just move in with ur parents for a few months. Tell ur husband the exact problems u face in this marriage in a crisp manner without arguement and just move out. He will have a jolt of fear that u might leave him and even his life will be incomplete without u. Try this and if it does not work out jus gain some strength and go ahead with the divorce.

    Society and stuff is all eye-wash and that society is not going to come into ur house and help u when u r mentally stressed because of ur husband. Jus go ahead on with ur life. And I would also say that divorce is no more looked down in India and even if it is now it wont be in a few yrs since there are many divorces and remarriages happening in India too.

  • 1 decade ago

    Society. Ur indian. U were raised to stay in a marriage until the guy kicks u out, and even then, ur supposed to grovel at his feet begging for mercy so he'll take u back. That's how indian women are raised. They aren't raised to ask for or wish for self respect from men. They are raised to win men over by their submission. They are raised to believe that we can tame men by our beuty, charm, and example. There's proof of this because some men are foolishly led by such women. I only say it that way because a lot of women use their skills for evil and then their men pay for it. But there are good women who acheive this too, and they have wonderful husbands who can still hold their head high.

    Society shuns a woman who leaves her husband. OR even if her man leaves her, it's bad for HER. There's a saying in my indian dialect, wheather a thorn falls on a leaf, or a leaf falls on a thorn, the leaf always gets hurt. The leaf is a woman, the thorn is a man. So a woman's objective is not to get hurt. Because society is cruel to single women. So their happiness is not a factor, they have to be happy with their husband the way they are, and their job is to make him impregnate u. Even there, it's the girls fault if the guy doesn't want her or any part of her. The guy never gets blamed for anything. Even if he leaves her with kids, he rarely gets the blame, it's still her fault for not keeping him. No matter what her status is.

    I think that's what ur afraid of, not that u like him. Sure, there's security in being with a man, even if he's cold n distant, he's still there, he still looks at u and talks to u, even it's a cold stare and icy talk. No one has to know he rather have **** than u, so all is well, as long as ur married. But once ur not, society won't let u live it down. They'll say no one wants a used woman. But u know what? Times are changing, there are men who'll marry a divorced woman. There are nice guys out there. Sure, once bitten, twice shy, I hear u, but u need healing. The temptation is just to go out there and get someone, but see, then u'll be doing what he's doing to u, and u don't want that. So give urself some time alone, and then proceed. But please, get out of this before u loose urself completely, then u'll have to stay, because whatever he says u are, will b ur identity, and u'll fall apart w/o him. Don't wait for that to happen. B strong, n move on, by urself. I'll pray for u, and u'll be in my heart. Im here if u need to talk, I don't know what sort of advice or whatever I can give u, but I know this is hard, but u'll be glad u got away when u did, so one day u can find someone who truly deserves u. Good luck.

    Source(s): Going through the same struggle, only I've crossed the bridge ur trying to, but there are still pieces left to pick up.
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  • 1 decade ago

    I think that the culture thing is what is holding you back. You need to build up the courage to leave him. He should be supporting you and respecting you. I know you don't love him, maybe you have gotten in a rut and need to find an escape. I am not sure the laws of divorce and annulments in India, but look into your options. You would need a support system via friends and or family, because you will leave him with everything, you will need a place to live. You also need to find a decent job so you can support yourself. Prove to yourself that you don't need to depend on him or his money. Become an independent woman.

    He is a disgusting pig for looking at **** also. He is a jerk.

  • 1 decade ago

    Over 4 million women in America lose their lives EVERY YEAR to abusive husbands and boyfriends (according to Women's Network TV).

    The dirty not so small American secret.

    By the way the men in this country had the ad censored after only one day of airing. Which shows just how arrogant they can be about a serious problem.

    Divorce rate for under 40 is 50% and life time divorce rate in America is 76%. So dont feel any shame in obtaining one. Many women do it every year.

  • 1 decade ago

    The thing is to leave is to alter your current state. No one likes change because it requires effort and more strength than sticking around and settling. Change makes us reevaluate who we are as individuals without that stability of a two-some we relied on as a crutch. I have been there, still there! But if all signs point to yes, don't settle. Be strong, move on and create your happy ending. Divorce ought to be easy, easier said than done. Just do you or you're probably gonna wonder what if?

  • 1 decade ago

    He has brainwashed you to a point where you believe every word he says... You are tied to him mentally... If he says the moon is red... you will believe it. What you need to do is seek some type of group therapy for women who were in the same situation and grew the strenght to leave the husband. I would say get out of this situation while you are still in time... If you don't... kids will come, community property will come, and it will be so much more difficult. Good Luck.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    FEAR of doing it alone again!

    the action of leaving something your so use to is hard! and fearfull! nothing to be ashamed of.. but when you really had it up to your head with this guy you will get the nearves to leave him!

    You don't know where to start so start there!

    Where could you go list all your options ---

    how will i pay for it - list all your options --

    at first when your gone your going to have a hard time sleeping, and doing basic stuff! it's going to be hard because now it's up to YOU to do everything not a dual partner ship but by the sounds of it you didn't have that anyway!

    it's good that you can't judge people it's not a good trait to have! accept people for who they are then pick if you want them in your life!

    Remember love makes you blind and even thought you say you don't love him at one point you did! and that will never fade! do'nt let it either!

    if you go into this with everyguy is like him then your up for a harder road.. Let him go and let go of what he did to you! get out so nothing more can cause you harm!

    don't use excuses like he emotionally did XYZ and now that made me who i am now! Guess what all that can change if you really want it to!

    www.coping.org <-- this site will help give you courage and help you learn more about yourself! your confusing yourself with what your use to and what you CAN DO!

    and this you can do ! suck it up and go for the gold! it will not be handed to you and it never will!

    You can make great changes in yourlife no matter what the age! some times age will make it harder like if your 80 and you can't move fast so you have to take 2 weeks instead of 1 week to pack~ or what not!

    but emotionally - it wouldn't hurt to seek professional help! once your out of that sistuation tho!

  • 1 decade ago

    It seems to me that you are staying there because you are afraid of the unknown. Sometimes we convice ourselves that we are better off staying right where we than to step out into the world. Take my word for it, it isn't that scary out there. Take a leap of faith and walk out of your misreble situation. There is no reason for you to stay in a loveless marriage. The bitterness and lack of respect will only get worse. You are young, too young to live like that. Put your big girl panties on and cowboy up. Make the changes you need to start your new life.

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