Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Will some read and comment on the book im writing?

Its a furry novel about a young male nurse that aspires to be a doctor im thinking of other elements but don't want to give too much away

Small beams of sunlight began to bleed into the bedroom through the curtains.

''Laurence wake up''

shouted the oh to similar voice of Laurence Ranums mother.

''get up now or your breakfasts gonna get cold''

slowly Laurence kicked off his bed sheets.

''I'm getting up, stop shouting''

he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, then turned to his clock, it read five past eight.

''oh no'' he yawned ''I'm gonna be late for work again''

''Laurence hurry up''

He pulled his curtains open and was nearly blinded by the light, he got dressed in the casual blue jeans, grey shirt combo that everyone was into lately. His mother knocked on his bedroom but it sounded more like a woodpecker drilling in his head.

''I'm going to see your father there's a list of things I need from the store on the table''

she walked down the stairs.

Laurence waited until he heard the front door shut, then he sprinted down stairs to eat

breakfast.

''yummy cold beans and egg for breakfast'' he picked at the food for a while before finally deciding to eat it. Laurence gripped his knife tightly as the food slithered down his throat.

''please let there be some orange juice in the fridge'' he groaned

sadly there was no orange juice in the fridge, the carton was completely empty it even had a sticker on it reading ''empty''

Laurence looked at the shopping list on the table it read

apples cereal tooth paste orange juice

cucumber bananas toilet paper chicken

carrots flour milk soup

potatoes soap bread shampoo

He took the note the note and put it in his pocket then headed out of the door.

The cook air hit him like a brick, he could not believe how stuffy it was in his house. He brushed his hand along his hair and began walking down the drive to his car.

''I cant believe mom didn't take this if she wanted to do some shopping'' he grinned happily to himself.

He climbed into his car, put the keys in the ignition and turned them.

The engine began to sputter and then stalled, the gas was reading empty.

He could not believe it he had forgotten to put fuel in his car.

He climbed out.

''forget to put fuel in?'' questioned a young voice.

''yes and I'm gonna be late for work again'' replied Laurence

''pity I was gonna catch a ride looks like were both walking to work''

Laurence looked at the grey wolf standing in front of him holding a cigarette in his paw.

''those things cause cancer and trust me it isn't pretty I look after people with it every day''

''I know that I'm trying to quit'' exclaimed the wolf

''yeah you keep saying that but I still see you holding that thing''

''yeah but...'' the wolf stopped to think '' you got me there''

they continued to argue until Laurence got to work,

''you wanna go meet some of the people with cancer I bet you would stop then''

''OK drop it will ya'' the wolf said agitatedly ''see you after work''

''K see you later''

Update:

the shopping list copied wrong sry

Update 2:

i think im gonna re-write it

;(

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I don't know what to say except, you're kidding, right?

    A wolf?

    Plus, there is nothing happening in the story. It's just a play-by-play account of someone getting ready for work.

    There are myriads of spelling, grammar and sentence structure problems.

    "oh to similar voice" - similar to what? Did you mean familiar? And it should be 'too' and not 'to'.

    You really need to clarify and edit. You also need a more compelling beginning. Nobody really wants to read about someone getting ready for work.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I like the plot, but not so much the grammar.

    The grammar is similar to the one "The House on Mango Street."

    By the way, where did the wolf come from?! You're making it look like the Laurence is hallucinating. (Sorry if I'm being too harsh).

    Here are some tips:

    1) Start dialogue with capital letters.

    2) Try working on your diction (word choice)

    3) Try working on your syntax (sentence structure)

    I hope this helps =D

    Source(s): I wrote my first novel which is coming out on November 2008
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  • 1 decade ago

    It sounds interesting. From a readers perspective the characters name is complicated to the point of distraction but not a problem unless it shows up to often. A few other distracting errors such as this ''get up now or your breakfasts gonna get cold''

    It should be breakfast's or just breakfast is

    here ''yeah you keep saying that but I still see you holding that thing'' I would suggest "Yeah, you keep..." Or just drop the yeah altogether.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Your grammar is pretty poor, but other than that it isn't too bad. Make sure you carry on with it!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It is very good, And interesting. The only thing, that I can think is to work on proper English.

    But other than that I think your story is very good.

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