Am I being selfish or is this normal?
My boyfriend proposed to me about a month ago. I love him so much and I can't wait to marry him. The thing is I'm not getting any help from my mom (don't talk to my dad). She's not helping me with anything. It's not that she can't afford it or doesn't like my fiance, she just said she wasn't going to help me. Since I am paying for it myself I feel like I am having to skip on some things that I really want. Anyway, my brother decided to propose to his girlfriend last week. I went home today and they were there and she was bragging about how big her ring was and how her parents were paying for everything. I'm not a materialistic person, so why did this hurt me so much? I feel like I am being a 5 year old child by being jealous. Has anyone else been through this? What helped solve it? Thanks.
Also, I have paid for everything since I was 16. I helped with all the bills and paid for everything of mine. So I didn't think that asking for help with my wedding was a lot to ask.
- ImbueLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
Honestly I don't think you are being selfish or materialistic. I would be hurt if my parents didn't want to help at all either. I can understand if your Mom may not pay for everything. Weddings cost a small fortune these days. But to not help you at at... not even for the dress or something is pretty rude. Seeing your daughters get married and have their dream wedding is almost every mothers dream. Does she not agree with the timing or something (i.e. she wants you to graduate college first). If it hurts you this much though I would ask her why. She may have a real concern or reason for not helping you thus far. Good luck and I hope you two can patch things up.
FYI. Your not alone though. A lot of couples are paying for their own weddings these days. My fiance and I will be paying for our own with minimal help from our parents. This is why we are waiting two years to get married. We wanted plenty of time to save so we don't have to skimp. Right now were saving $400 a month and investing the money we've already saved. Our goal is $15,000.
- 1 decade ago
Dear, I know exactly where you are coming from. My Dad/Stepmom don't really have any money to give and my Mom/Stepdad haven't really expressed a lot of interest in helping except for showing up. Now my stepsister got married a couple of years ago and she had the big, fancy to do. So my fiance and I sucked it up and are going to pay for everything- even if it means skipping a few things and having the "big" wedding later. Just remember- its all about the marriage and not the wedding. Weddings last a day- marriages last a life time.
- 5 years ago
I Honestly Understand How You Feel About The Constant Grabbing My Husband Used To Do That All The Time And It Annoyed The Heck Out Of Me I Finally In The Last Year one million/two Got Him Down To Once In Awhile, It Still Annoys Me But At Least I'm Getting Somewhere. I Just Flat Out Told Him - If This Was His Childish Way Of Saying He Was In The Mood He Needed To Stop Because Until It Stopped He Wasn't Getting Any. I Hate To Admit It But I Felt Resentment Toward My Husband Because He Got Out Of The House Everyday And Got To Talk And Hang Out With Adults While I Got To Take Care Of The Children - Clean - Cook And Basically Wait On Him Hand And Foot. I Did Not Want Him Touching Or Bothering Me Sometimes I Couldn't Even Talk To Him, It Came Down To We Talk To Someone And Got Help Or We Were Going To Split Up, We Did Couples Counseling And Believe It Or Not It Worked We Were Able To Get All The Frustrations - Anger And Hurt Out We Both Were Feeling Things The Other Did Not Know About, Even Tho Some Of These Feeling Were Brought Up In Our Argument's We Weren't Listening And That Was And Sometimes Still Is Our Problem. Good Luck I Hope Everything Works Out.
- JenLv 51 decade ago
Your feelings are understandable, but if you´ve been independent since you were 16, then you should feel proud to be paying for the wedding yourself with your bf! If your mom doesn´t want to help you, as much as it hurts, then just invite her to the wedding! Other people have it different than you like your brother´s gf. But I will tell you something that´s true, when very independent people get married, their marriage usually is much smoother then when you´re still dependant of your parents! Money is a big issue in a marriage, but you´ll be ready for all of it once it comes! You have the knowledge about money value that many don´t!
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Oh, honey - I'm so sorry to hear this. I would definitely be hurt and feel envious if I were in your situation. I think it's normal to feel this way, but you have a choice.
It's really unfortunate that your mom is choosing not to help you plan or fund your wedding day. But you can't change her choice.
What I would recommend, after reading up on healthy boundaries, is to talk with your mom. Most likely, since this has been the pattern for some time, it will turn into a deeper conversation beyond just your wedding day (although that's big enough itself!).
Be honest with her, but not in a manipulative way seeking to get her to change her mind. You have to resolve in yourself that you're the only one who has the power to make change in this situation. So you'll have to search deep to find a place of forgiveness for her choice without expecting her to change.
It's really a difficult situation. But I encourage you to seek out some older healthy mom-type women who can come around and support you in this time, and give you the dose of mom-attention you desire (and rightfully so). Churches or local community groups are a great place to start looking.
Best of luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
- Anonymous1 decade ago
look at it this way sweetie, in years to come you and your fiance will never have to listen to anyone say "well, i did this for you" or "i paid for this" or any other comment along that line.
of course you feel some jealousy, its only natural that you do. the thing is not to let it become an issue. you go about planning your wedding and paying your way and you will be the bigger person for it. as for your mother - she will have no reason to expect you to do things the way she wants - she will have control over anything and when you walk down that aisle you can say to yourself
"we did this!" you should be very proud of the fact that you can do it alone. and you shouldn't ever expect anyone to pay your way in any matter! good luck sweetie and happy wedding!
- fizzy stuffLv 71 decade ago
I think a lot of people would feel a teeny bit jealous at seeing someone plan their wedding so breezily, without worrying about money. Who wouldnt want that? The truth is, she is the exception to the rule. Most brides are on budgets, and many couples do pay for their weddings themselves without expecting anything from their parents at all. I think you should be happy for her good fortune, instead of focusing on your jealousy. Happiness and support will breed more positive feelings in you.
- 1 decade ago
Seriously, not selfish at all. You just simply want the best wedding you can possibly have, and you aren't getting any help from the one who should be the most eager person.
Just do what you can, and when you're able to look back on the day, you'll be proud of how it turned out without her help.
Best of wishes :)
- notyou311Lv 71 decade ago
I think that your brother's fiancee is being very nasty and rotten. She should not be flaunting her situation when she knows that you are struggling. You should be very proud that you and your fiance are paying your own way. You are a better person than she is.
I predict that you will have a happier marriage and a happier life than this mean materialistic girl. Your brother is making a big mistake.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Get your fiance (your not boyfriend girlfriend anymore) to help out. My wife and I were in a similar situation and we worked together. I paid for most everything, but she was very involved in negotiating rates and helping reduce costs, not reducing the experience or what we wanted, but costs. You both need to start working together and getting used to it.
Good luck and best wishes.