if you could rewrite the bible...?

would you change it? what 3 things would you change about it and why?


Please note, that the question wasnt whether you believe in the bible or not.

16 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Alright now boys and girls we've got another story for you now!

    We want to introduce to you another friend of the Bible!

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    If I were God there would be no explicit sex on T.V.

    Like little Opie eating pie when he made it with Aunt Bea

    If I were God thou shall not worship false Billy Idols

    And thou shall add the Book Of Flavor Flav to the Bible

    Thou shall make fun of Hindus thou shall not make a "Speed 2"

    If I were God that's what I'd do Heavens no

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    If I were God I'd get a bunch of slaves to do everything

    Norwegian lesbians that feed me grapes and know how to sing

    If I were God thou shall not wear tube socks with Flip-Flops

    Thou shall sit and thou shall spin thou shall even wife swap

    Thou shall resist the Olsen Twins, thou shall not cut "Footloose"

    If I were God that's what I'd do, Heavens no

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    Hell yeah

    And when they nail my pimpled *** to the cross

    I'll tell them I found Jesus that should throw them off

    He goes by the name Jesus and steals hubcaps from cars

    Oh Jesus can I borrow your crowbar?

    To pry these God damn nails out they're beginning to hurt

    Crucified and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

    "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" I'll sing as I'm flogged

    Yeah that's what I would do if I were God

    So vote for me for Savior and you'll go to Heaven

    Your lame duck Lord is like Kevin Spacey in "Seven"

    With creepy threats of H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick

    You just can't teach an old God new tricks

    But would I be a good Messiah with my low self-esteem?

    If I don't believe in myself would that be blasphemy?

    Just sport some crummy "holier than thou" facade

    Yeah that's what I would do if I were God

    Source(s): Hell Yeah by the Bloodhound Gang
  • Sam
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I wouldn't rewrite it. I would take the original. The very first. While the ink was still fresh, or the chisel was still warm, and bring it home and keep it to myself.

    If I were to try and translate it, my own personal bias would shine through the translations.

    I wouldn't want that, because someone would eventually be hurt by it.

    I would just keep it.

    Keep it all to myself.

    And then, see what would unfold in history from the lack of "the greatest story ever told", you know. Just to see.


  • 1 decade ago

    Uhh.. probably just add in just three things.. In the beginning. Like put a little "Author's Note/Editor's Note" thing that simply says "Most of the stuff in here are just stories.. Nothing else.." then maybe in the middle a happy story no one got hurt or sent to hell.. A happy one.. then in the inside front cover the copyright and place of publication..

  • Certain words from the Bible are echoed in other religions... and these words are most likely the closest to any words of any Creator... and these words are the words that should be followed as no other words matter so much without any need of change.

    In Christianity it is "And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31.

    In Islam it is "None of you believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself." Number 13 of Imam.

    In Hinduism it is "This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you." Mahabharata 5:1517.

    In Confucianism it is "Do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you" Analects 15:23

    In Buddhism it is "Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful." Udana-Varga 5:18.

    In Sikhism it is "Don't create enmity with anyone as God is within everyone." Guru Arjan Devji 259.

    In Judaism it is "What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man. This is the law: all the rest is commentary." Talmud, Shabbat 31a.

    In the Bahá'í Faith it is "Ascribe not to any soul that which thou wouldst not have ascribed to thee, and say not that which thou doest not." Baha'u'llah.

    In Jainism it is "A man should wander about treating all creatures as he himself would be treated." Sutrakritanga 1.11.33.

    In Shintoism it is "Be charitable to all beings, love is the representative of God." Ko-ji-ki Hachiman Kasuga.

    In Zoroastrianism it is "Whatever is disagreeable to yourself do not do unto others." Shayast-na-Shayast 13:29.

    In Brahmanism it is "This is the sum of Dharma [duty]: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you." Mahabharata 5:1517.

    And the Yoruba faith of Nigeria says "One going to take a pointed stick to pinch a baby bird should first try it on himself to feel how it hurts."

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  • 1 decade ago

    i would undo the re-writes that have already happened. for instance, the word "homosexuality" didn't get put in until the 1950s.

    all the re-writes, the revisions, the edits, the countless translations have changed the biblical text SO much that i would be curious to know what the original said, and what it meant in context, when it was actually written.

  • 1 decade ago

    i wouldn't change anything except fix the translation of the six verses in the bible that are mistranslated/misconstrued to somehow say that homosexuality is wrong. those of us who realize that those six quotes are taken out of context/are mistranslated realize how ignorant and judgemental some so-called "bible scholars" really are.

    it's a really beautiful book about rising and falling from grace and being saved. despite the fact that most of that book's followers hate me, i still love the bible and read it regularly.

  • 1 decade ago

    People forget that, King James changed it. . .

    We would be changing something that isn't truly authentic.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I would begin with "once upon a time." I would replace the middle with Playboy letters and George Carlin monologues. I would wrap it up with "and all the little fundies minded their own business and we all lived happily ever after. The end.

  • 1 decade ago

    I would add the regular disclaimers and the name of the real authors so people know it is nothing more than fiction.

  • 1 decade ago

    I would keep the golden rule, attribute it to humankind, and scrap the rest of it.

    "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

    -- Common Sense of Humanity

    The End

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