Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 decade ago

Should I forgive my father that easily?

My parents are divorced. About 2 months ago me, my mom, my brother, & sister were going on vacation my dad said he sent in the child support to help us with our vacation & it was supposed to come in but it never did, my mom called him again & asked him what happened & he admitted he never sent it so he said he just sent it, we come back from vacation expecting to get it but we didn't, he then again admitted he never sent it. Then on his birthday I called him he never answered & got mad at me because he thought I never called, yet he never even called me on my birthday, never even sent a card or said happy birthday. He even told my sister to not call him on his home phone because his wife doesn't like it. Now he wants to go to dinner every week with me & my siblings. I know he's my father but he breaks so many promises all the time, & he chooses his wife over us it seems, I gave him so many chances & always forgave him & I'm getting tired of it, but now he never makes time for us even though I know he's always busy but he never really realized what had till it was gone. I feel like I shouldn't forgive him that easily & just let him get away with it, I forgave him countless times before but he always just went back to his same old self a month later.

My sister told me I was being selfish & that I should forgive him but I'm not one who just forgives people rightaway when they just lied to me 3 times in a row. What he did wasn't ok & he needs to know that, I know him more then the rest of my siblings for a fact, I was the only one there for him when he was broke & bank rupt, he didn't have anybody except me, my sister didn't even care to talk to him then.

Sorry if I'm getting really personal but it just frustarates me, Idk weather to forgive him right away or not.

Update:

I agree his wife can be a biatch, but we actually used to be very close, she was like a second mom to me. But her & my sister never got along, & her & my mom are serious sworn enemies. Me & my siblimng all know she's a gold digger & a slacker, but I was the only one to see past that & see her good side. But now I feel differently, it's not her descision on weather not my father can see us or not, she pretty much walks all over him, it's her way or she's gone, she's made that very clear to my dad.

7 Answers

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  • Angela
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Don't worry about what other people think. You have a right to protect your feelings.

    Call if you want to and if you do not want to, then don't. You do not have to make a final decision.

    The world is really just that easy if you allow it to be.

    Remember

    "You have a right to protect your feelings."

    Source(s): JMHO
  • 1 decade ago

    Hi hon...

    it seems as if you've felt abandoned and let down by your father a good bit since your parents were divorced. this is not uncommon, and it's also unfortunate.

    you seem like a level-headed person. you have the right to set limits with your father -- and to let him know how you feel. i'm sure you can forgive him, in your own time. but, i really think that you need to address the problems you're having directly with your father.

    he wont' know until you tell him.

    you can always ask him if he would be so kind as to meet you in a neutral place - maybe go to lunch or for a drive or to the park. let him know you need to talk. you can tell him you care for him, however, you are having problems... and then tell him how you feel.

    I feel left out of your life, and abandoned.

    I feel less important than your wife

    I feel forgotton (your birthday)

    I feel frustrated.

    I feel deceived.

    ...and whatever else you feel. write everything down if you have to.

    See what he says. I'm sure he knows he's not Father of the Year. Maybe if you tell him these things, they will give him food for thought, and he might change his behaviors.

    He's juggling a wife who is a biotch and then you kids... he's put himself into an awkward position, but then, it's his problem, not yours. He really needs to find some balance in his life.

    I hope things work through.

  • 1 decade ago

    Let him know how you feel and why you feel that way. Broken promises are like being told that you are not important to them. If his second wife is demanding of his attention then perhaps he and she need to be reminded that he came as a package deal.

    If he made that many promises and broke them, then he is past forgiveness and needs a few reminders or wake up calls. Why does his new wife not want you calling their house, or is it his want and he is claiming it is her request so you will be annoyed with her instead of him?

    If he keeps going back to the same old, same old then he could probably use a good WAKE UP!

  • 1 decade ago

    You don't have to forgive him, hell, I don't forgive my father for anything he's done, but, just understand that as hard as it is for you, it's probably just as hard for him.

    He's trying to balance two lives. And no, it's not okay that he's broken his promises. And no, it's not okay that he keeps letting you down.

    Don't let anyone tell you when or when not to forgive someone. That's a completely personal choice. Your sister is different from you, and you are different from your sister. You'll both handle things differently, and if it takes you longer for you to be okay with your poppa again, then so be it.

    Your father loves you, don't doubt that even when he's being a jerk. Talk to him, tell him that his broken promises are bothering you, and see what happens.

    Perhaps then he'll be a bit more conscious of your feelings.

    Good luck, sweetheart!

    Source(s): Personal experience.
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  • 1 decade ago

    Your feelings are valid and should be respected. You have so many difficult family dynamics coming into play in a situation like this. Don't discount your sister trying to be the "good child" now, even unconsciously.

    You're experiencing treatment that many children of divorced parents experience, especially when there is a new wife or husband put into the mix, and it frustrates all of them, same as you. Money problems, cover ups, dishonesty, petty rivalries...it's all there.

    It sounds as if your dad is attempting, maybe unwittingly, to "have his cake and eat it, too." He does want a relationship with his children, but he wants it on his terms, when he feels like it, with him the center of attention at all times. He doesn't call you on your birthday, send a present or acknowledge it in any way, yet reserves the right to get p o'd, because he thought you didn't call him on his. He jerks you around whenever it suits him, then decides he wants to get together again, so you are required to appear for dinner with him.

    You don't say how old you are, but I'm assuming you are still young enough to live at home. Many people will tell you that no matter how difficult he is, he's still your dad and you will be sorry later if you don't keep up a relationship with him now. But I'm a lot older than you, and I am going to tell you that that is not necessarily always true. Depending on your personality, some things are more important than keeping up a false relationship. Honesty, self reliance and personal dignity will mean much more to you, as an adult in later life, than cow towing to your dad because you feel that you have to.

    I want to emphasize that I'm not advocating blowing up at him, being disrespectful or acting childish. But if you do go out with him, you might feel better about doing so if you use the opportunity to tell him in a matter of fact way that you are bothered by his treatment of you. Calmly cite the specifics you have posted here, and tell him that you're bothered by what you see as him not respecting your feelings as much as he expects you to respect his. You have just as much right to your feelings as he does. You could tell him on your own, or on the phone, if you wanted to.

    The point is that after you told him, you'd probably feel a lot better, whatever happens. But you have to be prepared for the possibility of s*** hitting fan, because it's a pretty good bet that he doesn't recognize any of those problems, and just sees himself as doing the best he can. He's trying to juggle you kids, his ex wife, his new wife, his job, and it's important that you acknowledge that. But explain that, even though you understand, you need more stability of behavior from him, because you feel like an afterthought a lot of the time.

    Part of growing up is taking charge of your relationship with your parents, instead of just being a kid on the receiving end of whatever you happen to get, for good or bad. Again, that doesn't mean being disrespectful to your parents; it means being honest and presenting yourself as a young adult who is deserving of the same consideration that you give to them, and then having the maturity to be able to handle whatever fallout comes from that.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well, he is your father and you only get one. But that does not mean you have to agree with him. It sounds like you have figured out what kind of man he is. So, when he says he will do something, don't believe it until you see it. Don't set yourself up for disappointment.

    Sounds more like a trust issue than a forgiveness problem.

    Good Luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    your dad is moving on with his new life and is being an ignorant pig towards his family. He has a responsibility towards you and your siblings. treat him the wy he is treating you, maybe he will clue in.

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