Will my doomsday experiment succeed?

As a keen amateur scientist, I have taken it upon myself to perform the most important experiment in the history of the entire universe, purely for the benefit of human kind. How gracious of me. To this end, it is my honourable intention to travel to Switzerland by hansom cab, timed to arrive in the dead of... show more As a keen amateur scientist, I have taken it upon myself to perform the most important experiment in the history of the entire universe, purely for the benefit of human kind. How gracious of me.

To this end, it is my honourable intention to travel to Switzerland by hansom cab, timed to arrive in the dead of night. I shall be equipped with a candle, some silent matches, a metronome and a tub of lard.

I am determined to stealthily sneak in to the Large Hadron Collider. To achieve this, I will remove all clothing (even my top hat) and cover myself in lard. It is then just a case of slithering along a Jeffries tube and drop down in to cargo bay 4.

As the hour will be small, the candle will be used to illuminate my progress. On reaching the collider, the remaining lard will be smeared on my object, to aid insertion in to the path of the proton beam. It could be a tight fit.

Once the beam is switched on, my object will be bombarded with sub-atomic particles, and I will use the metronome to time any emissions, and I'm not talking about the Higgs boson.

What are my chances of succeeding?
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