Lissy
Lv 4
Lissy asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 decade ago

Do you ever feel guilty for having children when there are already so many unloved and unwanted children?

I am ttc, but I kind of feel guilty about it, because there are already so many unloved, and unwanted children in the world. I really REALLY want to adopt, but I don't feel equipped to handle many of the children that have psychological and emotional that are in the foster care system. And.. as far as adopting a baby, it's so expensive.

But still, I feel guilty for it.

Have you ever felt that way? Do you think that the costs for adoption will ever be lower so that more of us can afford to take care of these children?

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I couldn't agree with Felicita more!

    The vast majority of children, especially newborns, who are adopted are VERY wanted by their original families but for whatever reason their families are either unable (due to death, illness or some other catastrophic situation) or are convinced (by themselves - lack of proper support, or others - agencies, family, counselors, etc.) that they are unable to care for them because they do not meet societal "standards" to be parents (believing that marital status, age, financial difficulties, etc. somehow dictate someone's ability to parent and love their child). Rarely will you find a woman who truly does not want to raise her child. (And I daresay this is true for most FATHERS as well.) Most adoptions are not really "necessary" to provide a child a family - IMO, they are a result of a world in which people do not accept and assist one another the way we should.

    You should know that adoption from foster care is low cost and in some cases free. I am personally disgusted that money ever comes into a discussion about adoption or choosing to parent. It is sick to me that human life, family, love, human relationships, etc. have EVER had a price tag placed on them - IMO, these things are PRICELESS. Anytime someone makes a profit from the arrangement of human relationships is illegal in EVERY other circumstance. (Prostituation, slavery, etc.) Relationships are absolutly with out monetary value in my eyes - they are worth FAR more than money. I find it horrid that people willingly participate in the practice of facilitating adoptions for profit and that we have allowed this to place a prices on our children.

    As to children in foster care having issues that you feel unable to cope with, I feel that you are buying into an unfair and damaging stereotype. While there are some children who have severe issues as a result of their circumstances, MOST of these children are children who just need a loving and fit family to grow up in. (In this situation, "fit" implies acceptance and honesty among other things from the foster/adoptive family.) I also want to point out that you have no guarantees about biological children being "issue free"- unfortunately we haven't as much control over these things as we wish, biological children can be born with issues and suffer trauma at the hands of people other than their parents or situations out of their parent's control. Having worked with foster children for many years, I can assure you that MOST of them are not the "mess of problems" they are often seen as. They are CHILDREN, little human beings who have been though some traumas. (Aside from their original mistreatment - which sometimes is beyond the original family's control, state custody and foster care are traumatic, hence the plural...) These children often simply need love, stability, support and truth - all things that every person needs and every parent should provide. Patience, understanding, compassion, etc. - HUMAN CONNECTION, all the traits of a good parent are what it takes to be a foster-adoptive parent. (BTW, IMHO, these are also some of what it takes to be a good person...)

    Don't eliminate the possibility of becoming a foster/adoptive parent just yet. Instead of listening to others (including me!) about what these children are like - why not get to know them for yourself. You can be a positive influence for kids in many other ways without being a foster parent. Volunteer. Be a Big Sister, become a GAL/CASA (Court Appointed Child Advocate), volunteer your time at your local YMCA, a group home, etc. You will learn more about our young people and YOURSELF than you ever thought possible!

    As to your original question, I feel guilty not that I have had children, but that the world I brought them into is such a hot mess. It is my hope that I can make it a little better and they will follow my example.

    I wish you the best of luck in deciding on how to build your family. You may wish to further research your options. There is no reason you couldn't add to you family in multiple ways, provided that you keep the intrests of the children first and foremost! :) As long as you give the best of yourself to your children and help them be good people in their own right, you are a good parent and should have no reason to feel guilty in my book!

  • Zuko
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    First of all, you should NEVER feel guilty for being able to have your own children. It's a blessing.

    As for all of those other kids who are unloved and unwanted... What most people don't seem to grasp is that there are very few INFANTS out there who are unloved and unwanted... But there are TONS of older children who ARE.

    If you don't feel equipped to handle the psychological and emotional problems of an older child who has been bounced around the system most of their lives, the BEST thing you can do is not adopt.

    It's not something you should feel guilty about. In fact, KUDOS to you for acknowledging and accepting your own limitations.

    There ARE other ways you can help that don't involve you getting over your head. You can advocate for foster care reform. You can give a little bit to charity whenever you have money to spare. When your children get older, you can even try being a temporary foster parent...

    There are a lot of children out there who need a foster home while their biological parents are getting their lives back on track. My parents actually fostered two boys (when I was 9) knowing full well that the two boys would be going back to their mother.

    There are a ton of things you can do to help these kids while still making sure you don't get in over your head.

    Some people are capable of handling the emotional and psychological problems of damaged children. They make WONDERFUL parents. Some are NOT capable of that... and they can make WONDERFUL parents too, as long as they accept that this is what they're capable of and this is what they're not and they know where to draw the line.

  • 1 decade ago

    Wanting to have biological children is pretty common, and not something to be ashamed of. I see it as morally neutral, neither selfish or unselfish. It's just the way it is for many people.

    I personally don't have any drive to have biological children, and because of hereditary health issues in my family it's probably best for the genetic line to end with me instead of passing those problems on to another generation. So no, I haven't really felt that way. But if it's how you DO feel, it is, and there's no reason to feel shame over it.

    As for adoption...

    Guilt is a bad reason to consider adoption. You should take a child into your family because you want and will love that child, not because they're an obligation. If your children are a burden or a project to you, they will know it, and it will have a negative effect on them.

    If you truly want to give love to adopted children, and it isn't just about guilt:

    Foster care adoption is definitely not for everyone, and I know it can be a challenge. But I wonder how much you've really looked into it? Have you actually done lots of reading and talked to a social worker? Or are you just going by the stereotype that all foster children are permanently damaged and broken? Because that really isn't true. All of those children have experienced losses and trauma, but they can still go on to lead happy and healthy lives, particularly if they're given love and support in a permanent home. If you've really done a lot of research and still don't think you could handle adopting from foster care, don't do something you aren't prepared to handle, but please actually do the research (if you haven't already) and don't just write off foster kids by default.

    Privately adopted newborns don't really need more people to be adoptive parents-- they're already very wanted. Prospective adoptive parents wait for months or years on waiting lists for these children. The demand for newborns to adopt is far greater than the number of newborns available. These infants will not languish in foster care. They will not be left without families. People will be waiting to adopt them shortly after birth. They're wanted by someone before they're even born. Private domestic infant adoption isn't really even comparable to foster care adoption; in foster care adoption, children wait for parents, whereas in private infant adoption parents wait for children. There's no real benefit to the children to have more prospective adoptive parents waiting for newborns-- those babies will find good and loving homes either way.

    I think it is unlikely that the adoption fees for babies will go down any time soon, given the high demand for infants. The agencies will continue to charge what people will pay, and people will keep paying it. However, I will point out that foster care adoption is either extremely low-cost or free. That should give you an idea of who really NEEDS families.

    If foster care adoption is not for you, then don't do it because you feel obligated. Don't feel guilty about not adopting an infant, because they will find families, and the demand for newborns already exceeds the number available to adopt, thus the cost and the waiting lists.

    If what you really think is right for you is to have biological children, that's what you should do, and not feel bad.

  • 1 decade ago

    Not at all. The children who absolutely need homes are the ones in foster care. However, those are the very ones you feel ill-equipped to handle. That's fine. It's good that you know that you feel it would be too much for you. However, these are the ones in need. Adopting a baby in the US normally means making a pre-birth arrangement. Unless and until the mother actually relinquishes her rights, which can only happen after birth, that child is not a child in need of a family, as s/he still has one.

    I don't feel guilty for having the good things in my life. Although I am infertile, I would certainly not feel guilty if able to conceive and give birth. I would have done so. If you want to help people in need, then there are plenty of ways to contribute to society to do that. There are many, many volunteer organizations that help people, including children, in need. Although I don't believe guilt should be one's motivating factor in helping others, it could prove healing to you to do so.

    Source(s): Adopted citizen.
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  • 1 decade ago

    No I do not feel guilty.

    Just a side note, involuntary Termination of Parental Rights is decided by a court of law and can be appealed as with any decision by a judge. Voluntary TPR can also occur if the parents consent.

  • 1 decade ago

    y r white kids so expensive and are highly in demand.white children arent the only kids in the world who deserve a better childhood.thats just wrong.all those facists out there who only accept white children dont really care about the children in need from a different race.doesnt it ever come to all the facist people that there are millions of children that arent white who are in need?there are millions of non whites out there who are being abbused and neglected.shame on you who prefer to adopt a white child in good shape instead of a child from a different race who is in very poor shape.

    Source(s): my own mind and thoughts
  • 1 decade ago

    I think that it is wrong to assume that there are so many unloved and unwanted children in the world. Every woman I have spoken to who has lost her baby (or older child) to adoption or foster care has loved her child intensely and did want her child. The ONLY exceptions i have seen are when the parent has a major psychological problem (such as antisocial personality disorder or schizophrenia) or a major drug addiction and thus may have limited capacity to care for others.

    The general rule, in 99% of cases, is that mothers love the babies they give birth to. And want to keep them.

    In the case of foster care, the huge reason that children go to foster care is not abuse but poverty. And the technical term for poverty in child protection work is "neglect," even if the parent has no means to prevent it. And if the payments given to foster parents had been actually provided in the way of financial support to the mothers, those mothers would not have lost their children. OR been forced to surrender them. Compared to many other Western nations, ours penalizes and punishes the poor and forces them to lose their children. Especially since "welfare reform" -- the numbers of children being apprehended for foster care and surrendered for adoption are far higher than they would have been otherwise.

    “Most infants placed for adoption come from poor families. Check with any of the adoption agencies and their adoption lawyers to verify that the number one reason for relinquishment today is the inability to afford to raise the child. This is a sad commentary on the richest and most powerful country in the world” (Reuben Pannor in PACER newsletter. (Winter 1998-1999). Post Adoption Center for Education and Research.

    ETA -- response to "The Brain" -- According to NASW estimates, 70% or more of children in foster care are there due to poverty. If poverty did not exist in their lives, they would not be in foster care. Well-off people with substance abuse issues do not lose their children to adoption as they can afford the extra support, respite care, health care and rehab facilities. Also, poor people often "self-medicate" trauma and depression with illicit substances due to the fact they cannot afford the health care and legal pharmaceuticals that others take for granted. Not always, but a huge number of addicts were sexually or physically abused as children.

    Source(s): PACER newsletter. (Winter 1998-1999). Post Adoption Center for Education and Research.
  • 1 decade ago

    My mother loved and wanted me. Many mother who have lost their children to adoption love and want them.

    Foster care adoption is free.

    No i don't feel guilty for having my children naturally, thats the natural way to have children.

    Source(s): I'm an adoptee
  • 1 decade ago

    Nope, not at all. I'm adopted and I don't feel one ounce of guilt for giving birth to two children.

    I have empathy for children that need homes but I don't think guilt is a requirement for wanting to give birth. Procreation is natural.

    Boy, if I were religious, I'd say god wants us to procreate - I mean, isn't that what the catholic church says. Bwhahahaha.

    Source(s): Not religious, adopted, love my two kids beyond words
  • 1 decade ago

    Yes I do. That is why i am choosing to adopt kids. I want to adopt girls from China (I feel bad for the little girls being put up for adoption) I bet if you asked the same people on here to said no they don't feel guilty a question that said Do you believe in abortion most of them would probably say yes it's wrong. Well where do they thing the kids go eiter in foster care or an home where they are not loved

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