(GOT JOKES?) do you know funny jokes?
the funniest jokes win.
- 1 decade agoBest Answer
-The Ventriloquist - who's the dummy now?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a pub in Spring Gully.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister !!! I'm talking to that little turd on your knee!!
-Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
-An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December
-A woman went into hospital for an operation called a 'Flap Reduction' on her vagina.
After her operation, she was taken back to her ward and when she woke up from the anaesthetic she found three bunches of flowers waiting for her with three cards attached.
The first was from her surgeon thanking her for being such a brave patient. The second was from her husband, telling her she was a wonderful wife and how much he loved her. the third was from Brian in the 'Burns Unit' saying thanks for the new ears.Source(s): just finished reading this XD and i hope i didnt offend anyone =) **smiles**
- 4 years ago
You Know You're A Redneck When... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 31. If your family tree doesn't branch.....
- cuz i amLv 51 decade ago
a stranger was seated next to little johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to little johnny and said, "lets talk, i've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a converstaion with your fellow passanger."
little johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "what would you like to discuss?"
"oh, i dont know." said the sranger. "how about nuclear power?"
"ok," said little johnny, "that could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. ' a horse, cow, and deer all eat grass. the same stuff, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, horse produces clumps of dried grass. why do you suppose that is?"
"jeez, " said the stranger, "i have no idea".
"well, then, " said little johnny, "how is it that you feel avalified to discuss nuclear power when you dont know sh*!?"
.....funny i thought...
- JoeLv 41 decade ago
If at first you don't succeed, than sky diving is not for you.
What's the best thing about self abuse?
You don’t have to look your best
I wouldn't say my wife is ugly but she couldn't lure a man out of a burning building.
(by the way i am not married)
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his @rse
What do Christmas trees and priests have in common
The balls are just for decoration.
Men who paint toilets are not necessarily sh!t house painters.
Did you hear about the constipated maths teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil!
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."Source(s): ebaumsworld.com
- 1 decade ago
There were 3 people at the top of a hill. #1 threw his watch down the hill and it broke. #2 threw his watch down the hill and it broke. #3 threw his watch, walked down the hill and caught it. The other 2 men were surprised and asked #3 how he did that. #3 sed, "Easy! My watch is 5 minutes slow!"Source(s): clubpenguin.com newspaper
- The SaintLv 71 decade ago
A US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
- ?Lv 41 decade ago
- 1 decade ago
i suck @ this kinda stuff.
- JessLv 51 decade ago
ur a joke!