-The Ventriloquist - who's the dummy now?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a pub in Spring Gully.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister !!! I'm talking to that little turd on your knee!!
-Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
-An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December
-A woman went into hospital for an operation called a 'Flap Reduction' on her vagina.
After her operation, she was taken back to her ward and when she woke up from the anaesthetic she found three bunches of flowers waiting for her with three cards attached.
The first was from her surgeon thanking her for being such a brave patient. The second was from her husband, telling her she was a wonderful wife and how much he loved her. the third was from Brian in the 'Burns Unit' saying thanks for the new ears.
just finished reading this XD and i hope i didnt offend anyone =) **smiles**