Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicJokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago

(GOT JOKES?) do you know funny jokes?

the funniest jokes win.

12 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Social Security

    A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

    When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

  • 3 years ago

    You Know You're A Redneck When... a million. You take your puppy for a stroll and also you each use the equal tree. two. You can entertain your self for greater than quarter-hour with a fly swatter. three. Your boat has no longer left the driveway in 15 years. four. You burn your backyard instead than mow it. five. You suppose "The Nutcracker" is whatever you do off the top dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furnishings. 7. You present to deliver any person the blouse off your again and they do not desire it. eight. You have the regional taxidermist on pace dial. nine. You come again from the unload with greater than you took. 10. You maintain a can of Raid at the kitchen desk. eleven. Your spouse can climb a tree quicker than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas record. thirteen. You maintain flea and tick cleaning soap within the bathe. 14. You've been worried in a custody battle over a searching puppy. 15. You pass to the inventory auto races and are not looking for a application. sixteen. You understand how many bales of hay your auto will maintain. 17. You have a rag for a gasoline cap. 18. Your residence does not have curtains, however your truck does. 19. You marvel how carrier stations maintain their restroom's so blank. 20. You can spit with out starting your mouth. 21. You bear in mind your registration code custom-made on the grounds that your father made it. 22. Your lifetime target is to possess a fireworks stand. 23. You have a entire set of salad bowls and so they all say "Cool Whip" at the part. 24. The largest town you may have ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your operating TV sits on best of your non-operating TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet desk. 27. A twister hits your vicinity and does $one hundred,000 valued at of enhancements. 28. You've used a rest room brush to scratch your again. 29. You ignored your fifth grade commencement on the grounds that you have been on jury responsibility. 30. You suppose speedy meals is hitting a deer at sixty five. 31. If your loved ones tree does not department.....

  • 1 decade ago

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron

    in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why, of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say,

    I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another

    round to Ireland."

    "Of course," says the second.

    Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

    "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it, Me too! Let’s have

    another round of drinks to Dublin."

    "Of course"

    The second man can't help himself so he asks,

    "What school did you attend?"

    "Saint Mary's", replies the first man.

    "I graduated in '62."

    "This is becoming unbelievable!!!"

    They say in unison.

    About that time, in comes one of the regulars

    and sits down at the bar.

    "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

    "Nothing much," replies the bartender.

    "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift

    in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from

    a burning freighter. While rummaging through

    the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled

    across an old lamp.

    Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,

    he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

    To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came forth.

    This particular genie, however, stated that

    he could only deliver one wish, not the

    standard three.

    Without giving much thought to the matter,

    Patrick blurted out, "Make the ocean Guinness!"

    The genie clapped his hands with a deafening

    crash, and immediately the entire sea turned

    into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

    Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

    Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the

    hull broke the stillness as the two men

    considered their circumstances.

    Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick.

    After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:

    "Nice going Patrick!

    Now we have to pee in the boat."

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

    She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,

    "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

    The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina Mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

    That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

    The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

    Take your pick

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't have a joke to tell you but if you want a library and 1/2 of great and some silly jokes, check out JOKEDUCK!!!!

    He is the King of the Jokes.

    Source(s): Me, Myself, & I
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" lol

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hope Yu Like This One Its AN Old Joke

    SUCCESS:

    At age 4 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

    At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

    At age 17 success is having a drivers license.

    At age 35 success is . Having money.

    At age 50 success is . . Having money.

    At age 70 success is . .. Having a drivers license.

    At age 75 success is . . Having friends.

    At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

  • 1 decade ago

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He takes her hand and says, "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

  • 1 decade ago

    ok

    a man met a blond woman in a bar and went back into her appartment when he got there he was stund."wow your place is big, its a 4 bed 4 bath right?" she replied " no, its a whole appartment

    Source(s): most is from family guy i just changed some words
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Q) what do u call some1 who sells airplanes

    A) a traveling salesman

    Q) how many pieces of wood did moses use to build the ark?

    A) moses didnt build the ark

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    you've got good answers above me I'll joy in for fun what is the world largest diamond? baseball diamond.

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