(GOT JOKES?) do you know funny jokes.?

the funniest jokes win.

12 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

    During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

    Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

    The fairy waved her wand and boom! ... The wife had the tickets in her hand.

    Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

    He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

    The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! ... The husband turned 90!

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    You Know You're A Redneck When... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. 31. If your family tree doesn't branch.....

  • Hekate
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED.

    An 17 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drug store and buys a pregnancy kit.

    The test result shows that the girl is pregnant! Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

    He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

    Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

    If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

    However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again."

  • 1 decade ago

    Why did the crazy southern guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

    Because if you are going to be impotent you might as well look impotent.

    A man decided to go to the movies but he brought his pet parrot. The ticket taker said "Sorry no pets allowed." so the man went around the corner and stuffed the bird in his pants. He stopped at the concession stand, sat in the theater and when the lights went down the man let the parrot out to see the film. These two elderly ladies behind him saw this and one said to the other. "Do you see what I see?" and the other said "You've seen that before." The first lady replied, "Yes, but never eating popcorn."

    Same ladies went for a walk down the beach where another man was sun bathing but the only part he wanted to tan was the one he never tanned before. Of course, the first lady turned to the other and said "Do you see what I see?" (Something tells me she used to always listen to the Little Drummer Boy) Anyway he second lady responded "Yes, when I was a child I was afraid of them, when I was older I was enamored with them, when I was mature I was the master of them, As I grayed I begged for them, and now that I am near the end of my days they are growing wild, next thing you know they will be cross bread with a rubber tree plant and it will be safe for the next generation."

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    there were two ghosts in the forest. They were bored that no one go over for them to scare, so they decide to go to the city. When they saw a bus with passengers from the village, who want to go to the city, they got on the bus, someone has farted in the bus, which stings the whole bus, then the people got annoyed, one of the passenger ask (who farted?) the passenger kept asking each other and no one admitted that they farted, one of the passenger said (must be the ghost if no one farted.) When the ghosts heard that, one of them get upset because he got accused. He appear to the people in the bus and yell (I didn't fart) all the people freaked out and ran away. The other ghost said to him( I told you wait until we get to the city now who is going to give us a ride.)

  • 1 decade ago

    There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom "Look mom i'm black." She says come here.he goes to her and gets smacked.

    She said go tell your dad what u did.

    He went to his dad and said "Look dad i'm black."The dad also smacks him and says Go to your grandma and tell her what you did.The grandma did the same thing.He went back to his mom and she asked"What have you learned today?" Then the boy says " i've been black for five minutes and already hate you white people.

  • 1 decade ago

    A little boy was doing his maths homework.

    He said to himself,

    "Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.

    Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

    His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

    The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

    "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

    "Yes," he answered.

    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you

    teaching my son in maths?"

    The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

    The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitc... is four?"

    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

    "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    its kinda dirty...oh well

    this little girl asks her mom how you get to heaven

    her mom said that when you die a big balloon carries you up

    later that day the little girl runs up to her neighbor's house to tell her daddy supper was ready

    after seeing her dad she runs home and says

    mommy! i think daddy died!

    the mom says

    Why do you think that?

    well the nieghbor is blowing up daddys balloon and saying oh God, oh God

    Source(s): i think it is funny
  • Why is the roadside sign "No U-turn" so polite?

    because its actually giving you a turn. It's saying , No YOU turn....

    yeah, corny I know....but it's still cute...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Life?

    Do I win yet?

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