Is this a good autobiography for my honors english class. its about my first day of first grade?

My mom woke me up on the first day of school. i was so excited, I never had to use the restroom. My teacher told the whole class that restrooms will be closed the whole entire day. I was in shock because I haven't used the restroom that day. A few hours passed, and all of a sudden I had the worst urge of a life time, to use the restroom. I told my teacher, but she said that I had to hold in my pee until I got home. Although I knew I was gonna pee my pants the first day, I remembered the time the students made fun of me and the time when i was really embarassed.

All of the students made fun of me when they saw me pee on my pants. The pee was dripping down my pants all the way to the floor. I hated that feeling because looking at the class pointing and laughing at me made me feel like the world came crashing down on me. The teacher couldn't help but laugh with the class. I felt so embarrassed. I just wanted to leave immediately.

I was so embarrassed. I couldn't even think about saying one word that whole day. I felt as if I was suffocated by all the students laughter and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even believe my teacher laughed with those mean students. I really wanted to tell all of the students to shut up already, but I couldn't find the left over courage inside of me because all of the students took it away from me.

Its been 8 years since the "incident", and I haven't wet my pants ever since. This experience taught me that using the restroom is very useful when in school. It has also taught me to use the restroom when I can at all times. I would call this experience a gift and my wprst day ever. Although my first day of first grade was horrible, I would always be able to call this my memorable first day of first grade.

it needed a thesis.

can you guys tell me if this is ok?

1 Answer

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  • Ray
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It was alright. It was organized very well. If I were to critique it on the grammar and it's flow, however, it needs a little bit of work still.

    You need to work on editing your work a little bit. You might notice that sometimes in your essay a few sentences may stick out.

    Take for example, when you said,"i was so excited, I never had to use the restroom." This sentence is difficult to understand. If you change it a little bit, you get something like, "I was in such a state of excitement that I felt no urge to visit the restroom."

    Another sentence that struck me was in paragraph two, when you siad, "I hated that feeling because looking at the class pointing and laughing at me made me feel like the world came crashing down on me."

    I'll end with a really good tip to use when editing your work, read it out loud. When you read in your head, it makes sense to you because you wrote it. Pretend you're actually telling me the story, flow is very important, but something many people lack. It's not a difficult thing to learn, however.

    Here's a good editing website. http://www.wisegeek.com/how-can-i-improve-my-editi...

    I wish you good luck on your essay, and I'm glad you came out of that situation in one piece!

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