Powy asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Critique My New Poem: ShaSha Love Game ?

ShaSha is a loser

ShaSha is a loser in game of love

He does not aim right

and miss the shots

ShaSha should learn better

Watch the others

how they score

They have direct hit

and win the prize

ShaSha wisen up

ShaSha be smart

Jiji will devour you

and you will be

left with crumps

2 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Very interesting.

  • galban
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    If this poem is autobiographical, in case you have these days gained reliable scientific information, and function a lover who values your gleaming heart, congratulations. might the two one in all you take exhilaration in lots of extra healthful years at the same time. yet you asked for evaluations, and the poem has some substantial weaknesses. like a firey ball it extremely is a notably bland simile. (and you have misspelled "fiery.") Pumped packed with radioactive fabric, the equivalent of having had twenty 5 X-rays, those traces are extremely prosaic. you're lacking the prospect to apply language that conveys some thing concerning the fraught emotional content fabric of the 2d. The speaker might desire to be feeling large rigidity as she perspectives the photographs and waits for the diagnosis. Your words do no longer carry that emotional certainty to life. it replace into shown that the situation replace into benign. The passive voice saps the capacity of those traces. (If I had written "those traces are weakened by your use of the passive voice," the grievance might have carried lots much less result. the comparable theory applies.)

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