Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Just a little something I wrote. Like it?

The wind made an eerie rushing sound in the leafs. The trees swaying back and forth like a wave, like the sea. I run through those trees. Faster, faster. My long, dark, wet hair fans out behind me like a pennant. Salty tears sting my eyes, so I cannot see.

Pressing my hand to the stitches in my side, I fall to the ground with a hollow thud. Looking into the stormy night sky, I wait.

What do you think? What should I change?

I know it's short, but if you guys like it, I might post more later.

Update:

I pretty much wrote this off the top of my head when I posted it, so it was never edited. But thanks for helping me, and I'm really happy you all like it for the most part! I'll try to post more tonight.

9 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    "The wind made an eerie rushing sound in the leaves." 'Made' goes against the rest of the paragraph's present tense. So, it should be 'makes.'

    "The trees swaying back and forth like a wave, like the sea." I think you should cut out "like the sea." "swaying" shound be "sway." and also, it is a fragment, see if you can change it around.

    "A hollow thud." See if you can use another word besides hollow.

    Other than that, it's great! I would love to read some more!!!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    okok so its good, but im going to edit it a little, so dont take offense.

    first of all, your grammar is horrible. not so much the writing, but the tenses are all mixed up. you have past tense and present tense all jumbled up together. heres how it should be written:

    The wind made an eerie rushing sound in the leafs. The trees swayed back and forth like a wave, like the sea. I ran through those trees. Faster, faster. My long, dark, wet hair fanned out behind me like a pennant. Salty tears stung my eyes; I could not see.

    Pressing my hand to the stitches in my side, I fell to the ground with a hollow thud. Looking into the stormy night sky, I waited.

    or

    The wind makes an eerie rushing sound in the leafs. The trees sway back and forth like a wave, like the sea. I run through those trees. Faster, faster. My long, dark, wet hair fans out behind me like a pennant. Salty tears sting my eyes, so I cannot see.

    Pressing my hand to the stitches in my side, I fall to the ground with a hollow thud. Looking into the stormy night sky, I wait.

    Also, the sentence structure is a little rough.

    however, it sounds very nice, so keep up the good work.

  • 1 decade ago

    To be honest, I'm not crazy about it. Other people have mentioned it, but the verb tenses are different throughout the piece. The plural form of "leafs" is "leaves." Things like that irk me.

    But more than that, I didn't like all the description. It's a short piece, I understand, and for all I know, this could have been an exersize in description. I just felt like I was being force-fed too much information.

    Some things in life are just understood. We all know that tears are salty. You don't have to say it.

    I felt that "long, dark, wet" was a bombardment of information to describe her hair. The description not only in that sentence, but throughout the entire piece, was enough to make me lose interest.

    This is just a little piece you posted. If it is a part of something larger, I would suggest taking out some description (beware the adverbs and adjectives). Avoid telling your readers what is happening or what something looks like. Show them.

    You can avoid writing "looking into the stormy night sky," because from the information we're given, we can assume the wind is blowing. We can then assume that a storm is on the way. I think you can even take out "I wait" because the character has fallen to the ground. What else is going to happen?

    Less is more in writing. You could take out a lot of words in just this little piece, especially in sentences like, "My long... pennant." I think the sentence could look something like this: "My wet hair fans behind me," and still be as effective. The same idea with the next sentence: "Salty... see." I think it could be shortened to: "Tears blur my vision," and you could get the same message across.

    Your writing would be more concise and to the point. In my opinion, it would be stronger.

    EDIT: Because I spent so much time typing this up, I'm not going to delete it. I'll just add.

    When I wrote this comment, I was thinking along the lines of short stories, not poetry. If this is intended to be a poem, I think it's fine. My comments don't really stand-- I don't know much about poetry. I'm not poetry's biggest fan.

    So, uh, if it's a poem, nice job. Although it seems to barely skim the surface, like what you see is what you get. When I read poems, a lot of them have symbolic meanings.

    Then again, I'm not great with poetry, so there you have it.

  • I like it.

    Only problem I see: Cut back a little on the description; such as: The wind made an eerie rushing sound in the leafs. Maybe write: The wind rushed through the trees eerily.

    I think it's great.

    When do we get more?

    Source(s): op
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Shivon
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Everything is really great, except leafs. One leaf, two LEAVES.

    ...sound in the leaves.

    Your verb tenses don't all have to be in the same tense, because your poem reads a bit like a haiku, which is intemporal, so you have artistic license here.

    Good job, very vivid imagery!

    Keep it up!

    Source(s): I'm a writer and English teacher.
  • 1 decade ago

    looove it, sounds like a novel. keep writing!! you'll get big if you don't get writers block (lol I've read so many now I can't even write without getting Pride&Prejudice or Walk Two Moons in my head!!)

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I like it, and its very desciptive and is held like a poem. I hope you write more :) will it be a short story, a novel??

    :)

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It sounds like a poem. Very descriptive. I like it. :]

    :]

  • 1 decade ago

    good. you spelled the plural for leaf wrong. it's leaves.

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.