My Husband and his double standards, is he right?

About a year ago I received an email from an old boyfriend(early high school years, nothing serious). My husband and i share the email acct, also been married almost 20 yrs now. Anyway, he was the one who opened it, read it, and showed it to me. The guy was emailing to say hi, see where my life ended up,but did mention he only knew I had gotten married. My husband wanted to reply himself, ttold me the rude response he wanted to send and told me that "no good could come from this, if I knew what he means" and he just delelted the email and that was that. NOW, he recently was contacted by one of his old girlfriends, however this is a girl that was serious, lost their virginity to each other etc. He took the breakup hard back then. He has emailed her back and forth, sent pics, initially of him and our kids, told her that he was leaving it up to me to pick out one of myself for him to send her, and told her that he wasnt going to pick one of me because he didnt want to bury himself ha ha he wrote. Her pics are of her kids and ones of just her even her in bathing suits.Their emails are semi-frequent, and his rarely mention his own family and he's even boosted his career out of its actual proportions, he told her he owns his own business. I have already told him that I cant see any reason for this to continue, after the initial whats new, who really cares, and he calls me his sister's name, (she's notoriously jealous), and tells me to grow up. He deletes the received and sent emails now too. How come its different for him but when I received one, it would lead to no good? Sad part is when he deleted the one I received I really didnt care.....

Update:

I think what bothers me the most is that he see no problem at all with any of the emails, pics ...........oh, and I dont want to start talking to old ex's, the past is the past.

26 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Both you and your husband should not be talking to old lovers! I suggest both of you stopping your childish behavior or your marriage could be in serious trouble.

    Source(s): sui
  • 1 decade ago

    Sounds like he was excited. It's a bit of a double standard, but oh well. He also sounds controlling and defensive, which is fine for some people. You sound like a rational person, let him spin his wheels for a bit until he's over it. If he doesn't get it out of his system or you start accidentally catching little secrets, then you have a deeper problem. Some trust issues circling around him becoming bored with you. At that point, confront him about a couple things: 1. You're jealous and 2. you won't let him walk all over you. That will probably make him mad, but eventually he'll figure out that you're right. Then you can have some make-up sex and the spark will be back and you'll forget about this whole business.. That's forgiveness!

  • 1 decade ago

    Yeah, your husband needs to realize that there shouldn't be double standards in a marriage.

    If he thinks that no good would come from your ex emailing you, then that must obviously mean that no good would come from him talking to his ex, right? You should bring up that point.

    I don't think its right that he would delete the emails considering the double standard that he's set, is he trying to hide something? And if so, what is it? I'm not saying you should snoop, but seeing as how you both share the same account, it wouldnt be considered snooping i guess.

    It's not different for him, but my question is, does he know its not different? Or is he just being chauvinistic in the sense that he can talk to his ex because he's a guy and you can't talk to your exes because you're female.

    It is probably just harmless flirting, a lot of guys like to know that they left an impression on a girl they once dated. Maybe he knows what he's doing is wrong, which is why he doesn't want you doing the same thing. Realistically speaking, wouldnt he be the jealous one?

  • 1 decade ago

    Helloooo Red Flags!!!

    I know you see what this sounds like... You really didn't even need someone to confirm your suspicions. This isn't just a double standard... this is grounds for an emotional affair.

    In the beginning it might have just been in good fun, and he was using your joint email account. But since it has gotten to the point of him deleting the emails to cover his tracks, I would definitely be concerned.

    First, voice your concern in a non threatening manner. Tell him you feel uncomfortable about it and you would like it to stop.

    Second, insist he write her an email, or you can, explaining that he would like to just cut ties. If he doesnt email her that, she might keep emailing, even in the absense of his replies. Or she may just start calling.

    Third, if you dont address this, it could certainly lead to more than just an emotional affair.

    An emotional affair is just as dangerous to a relationship as a physical affair. Once he starts turning to her with his problems, or reminiscing over their past relationship, it just opens a door to take it to the next step.

    If he continues to belittle your feelings on the matter or defend his actions, you might want to think about marriage councling. Sometimes it takes a third party person with an outside view to make a couple see what the cause and affect of their actions actually are.

    DO NOT give in. If it bothers you, like it should, dont let him win.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    This is sad . You need to let him know this is not cool. He is not right. That is for sure. Serious DBL standards.

    Bathing suite ? not on, I say.

    20 years is a long time. and kids and all.

    Maybe he is just looking for some on-line fun. naughty like sexy fun.

    But you never know if it might get out of hand .

    Does the woman (x-girl) live withing reachable distance ?

    How long has this been going on.

    I went through a similar thing . and after about 6 mails my wife was writing about how she'd like to meet the other woman.

    Source(s): I went through a similar thing . and after about 6 mails my wife was writing about how she'd like to meet the other woman.
  • 1 decade ago

    You're right. He is a hypocrite. But you already knew that. The problem you are facing is not whether or not you are right, but how you are going to deal with this. If you are seriously bothered by the fact he is talking to an ex-girlfriend then focus mainly on that fact when you discuss this with your husband. If you bring up his hypocrisy, he is going to feel attacked and won't listen to your feelings on the matter. Forgive him for his previous failings. Yes, he is a hypocrite, and yes, he probably won't want to admit that. No one ever does. What is really upsetting you, I think, is that your husband is brushing aside your feelings. That is the major issue and that is what you should try to address.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Your husband should make your feelings a priority! No excuses. When he took his vows he promised to love, HONOR, and cherish you.....When the time is right, ask him what he would think if you and your ex exchanged emails similar in frequency and in content.

    Tell him it bothers you that he allows his ex to call you his sister's name and tell you to grow up. You might tell her to get some class and stop sending a married man semi-nude pics.

    It is definitely wrong of him to engage in this type of banter with his ex. Has he been treating you differently? Is she single? Maybe he is trying to resolve old feelings he has had for her. I hope for your sake that your husband sees the error of his ways and takes your wishes into consideration from now on.

  • 1 decade ago

    That really sucks. I can kind of relate because I sometimes talk to my ex-boyfriend that I had right before my current (that I've had for three years) and he gets super jealous. I tell him that he is just a really good friend, and I only dated him briefly and didn't have any deep feeling for him. He doesn't want me to talk to him. Then there's his old friend from high school that he was in love with (she never liked him and always used him and talked about him behind his back...and talked crap about me when we first started dating). So whenever I say I don't like him talking to her he gets mad at me and says they are just friends blah blah but he doesn't stop talking to her out of courtesy to me like I do with my guy friends.

    So I want to tell you that it's just a thing that guys do. It could be however that he doesn't feel like he can trust you, or he feels threatened by this other guy. I think that's what it is with my guy. Try to talk to him and explain that it doesn't seem fair that he is doing this and if he is anything like my boyfriend, he won't want to hear that or accept it. Just tell him if he's going to be talking to ex's then you have just as much right to talk to yours.

    Source(s): I hope it helps. =/ Just showing you that I can relate too!
  • M & M
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Your husband is definatley in the wrong. It is ok for him but not for you. That clearly is a double standard. It sounds to me like he is playing this, look what you missed out on routine with her, and I would be uncomfortable with that. I would certainly tell your husband that you are not at ease with him having this communication with her, and let him know that it is going to affect, or even ruin your marriage. Also find out why he is deleting emails. You are his wife and have every right to know what is going on between them.

  • 1 decade ago

    you should tell him how u feel about it. men tend to go like this as they get older. its a midlife crisis almost. they started realising their own mortality & begin realising that due to their age they wont be able to pull the same women they were able to get 10 or so years ago, and men, being feeble and pathetic cant deal with that, they need to be seen as strong and handsome their whole lives.and sadly that just isnt so. just sit him down and tell him how you feel about it.

    the same thing happened with my dad and it then got out of hand as he become almost infatuated with her. he didnt love her but there was the excitement of looking at his computer everyday and checking his emails. the whole thing will escalate until it becomes a ritual to talk to this woman and put her before his children and u. the secretiveness of it sounds just like what happened within my family & there is honestly no need for her to send emails of herself in a bikini...what is she trying to achieve?

    my honest answer to this would be please please talk to him about it. ive seen how it tore my family apart and id hate to know that it was happening with someone else. tell him that he can still talk to the woman (let him think hes in control and ur not telling him what to do or u will bruise his ego) but tell him ur worries. dont take any crappy excuse from him, say what u need to say and get the answers out of him. remind him that if the kids knew it would destroy their image of him. and it rly does.

    i wish u all the luck in the world and hope this all works out for u and ur children

    xxx

  • 1 decade ago

    Your husband has some serious double standard issues. I would write your old boyfriend from high school back and see how he responds to that. If you confronts you about it tell him he does the same thing with his ex. That's just what I would do.

    Good Luck!

    :]

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