Are you married to a passive-aggressive man/woman? PLEASE help???

How do you deal with it? I'm looking for any help I can get because I feel like I am losing my mind...desperate. Please help?

Once upon a time, I was a very patient, loving, confident, creative, happy, cheerful, accomplished woman and now I am angry, frustrated, unhappy, confused. I always believed that my cheerful optimism would bring my husband up - he says it's what attracted him, what he wanted to have and be...all he has done is to kill my spirit with passive resistance, punishing me and covert abuse (verbal, emotional). He tries to control me (he has preferences about everything from my clothes to the brand of toilet paper I buy, expresses disapproval whenever I am happy doing my own thing - discouraged my career, my garden, my writing until I lost pleasure and passion and quit so he would stop making me feel bad like I am all about "fluff"...things that don't matter.

He constantly devalues me (little put downs but he is always just joking). He says what I want to hear and does what he wants to do then makes me crazy with "Well I thought we were just having a conversation. I didn't realize that you thought we had come to an agreement".

He procrastinates on everything that is important to me and when I ask him when he plans to do it, he accuses me of nagging and being overly demanding. He's always too stressed and busy for me. What is important to him is always important enough to come at my expense but he is always the martyr making all the sacrifices.

My self-esteem is so low I just want to jump off the nearest bridge.

With everyone else, he charming and disarming. I can't talk to anybody because nobody would believe me if I said I had any complaint about the "perfect" man he presents to the outside world. All of our problems are in my imagination and he has even gone so far as to suggest that I have a chemical imbalance (fancy words for mental illness) that is causing me to feel this way.

I came from hardship, poverty, abuse and survived and didn't pass on the legacy to anyone. I am not a person who chooses to be a powerless victim - I have made choices to be who I am in spite of what happened to me. I made my life the way I thought life should be - fulfilling, successful, abundant. I am a giver and I have 3 amazing kids to show for it, but my husband sucks me dry.

I know I'm going on and on and I'm sorry but I am at my rope's end. I see what's going on but I don't know how to be to change it. I love him with all my heart but how can I make him stop this hurtful legacy that he is destroying me with? How???

10 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    UGH! I am so sorry. I feel as if I am reading my own life. My husband sounds just like yours. I am also at my wits end and have decided to go to therapy. I am an enabler (giver) too, and we are allowing them to take advantage of us because we are so independant and do not complain. This allows them to be concerned only for themselves and their stresses (because, we handle everything else) and when we don't, they become angry because they are not used to talking care of anything but themselves, then enters the emotional abuse and belittling, I just talked to him about my state of mind which was met by his defensiveness. I even allowed for the "chemical imbalance" accusations.... I just told him I need to talk to somebody because I know that I need to get myself back together before I can even tackle the marriage issues. I deserve myself back and my kids deserve me back, so I am going to thereapy and I would suggest the same for you. Best of Luck xoxox

  • 4 years ago

    Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Man

  • 1 decade ago

    My God, I did not know there was another on of my husband out there.

    I have been married for some time know. I, like you, was very happy and I have now become some angry person. The way I try to deal with it is keeping busy with the kids. My husband complains about everything that makes me happy. He is upset everyday when he comes home. He seem to always find something to be upset about. When I mention the word separation he immediatly get extermly upset and tells me "Over my dead body. No other man will raise my kids" and I know he means wheat he says. I try to escape it all with my children. I also will leave the room where he is at. I let him yell and ramble on, go somewhere in the house where I can be alone, cry, then clean myself up so the kids won't see. I will usually start cleaning or do laundry to keep out of his way. The saddest thing is a few ahours later he acts like nothing happened and he is as happy as can be.

    The best thing I can tell you is that they do not change. I feel as I live in his world. walking on egg shells never knowing when the eggs are going to brake. Your husband will continue to do what he does no matter how happy you are. You have to make the choice of staying or leaving. I choose to stay because my children can't go a minute without their father. To me that is all that matters. I don't know how he treats your children, but that is one thing we as mothers have to look at.

    Good luck!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    This is a sign of a probable personality disorder. Personality disorders are very ingrained in the personality and the people with them do not tend to get well. Part of the disorders include the belief that there is nothing wrong with them, so they do not seek treatment unless they are in crisis, and then only for a short time.

    I have a step son who is passive aggesive. Bless your heart. If it wasn't for the fact that I am married to his mother and live in a death penalty state. . . . fill in the blanks

    Another symptom of a personality disorder is that the person drives everyone around them nuts with their behavior.

    See if you can get him to go to counseling with you. Behavioral therapy is really the only hope.

    Good luck.

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  • 1 decade ago

    " ...came from hardship, poverty, abuse and survived and didn't pass on the legacy to anyone."

    Good you don't have children with him. Oh no wait, you do.

    "I am not a person who chooses to be a powerless victim - I have made choices to be who I am in spite of what happened to me."

    and yet here you are a victim to a bully in your own marriage.

    if you want to stay married then counseling for both of you to work on better communication. This is something that can be corrected if he recognizes that it is a problem and he's willing to work on it.

    If he says no then it's over. otherwise you perpetuate your legacy of abuse both for yourself and you teach your children that this is acceptable treatment in a marriage.

    I can't guarantee that he will respond to divorce and then agree to change his ways and go into counseling but if he really is a good man then the divorce will be enough to shock him into attempting change. Right now he doesn't respect you and he doesn't think you will leave him, so he has nothing to lose by continuing to mistreat you. FWIW: you are familiar with abuse in it's more violent forms and I bet the abuser in your family was quite charming in public.

  • 1 decade ago

    It's NOT up to you to change him. If he is not willing to understand or appreciate you, then why would you want to be with a person who definitely does not value you as a wife, woman, human being? I'm sorry but, I don't see why you would still want to be in a relationship like this...yes, I understand that there are children involved...the MORE reason to think of making a better life for the 4 of you. I wish I could be more optimistic, but I can't....if it was me in that situation....I would have been gone a long time ago. No one has the right to treat anyone else this way...especially your own husband. Don't you want a better life? One where you are loved, valued, appreciated and cared for?

  • 1 decade ago

    Wow. I think we are married to the same person. I understand how you feel. There is no changing this person. I am leaving mine. And I am prepared for the worst. Because, like your husband, mine presents himself differently to the outside world. As the perfect man. So I look like the bad guy. But I have decided to leave. Because my self esteem is at an all time low. I am depressed to the point I don't even want to get out of bed. I suggest you do the same. For yourself. And your children.

  • 1 decade ago

    did you try to go marriage consultation?

    I had kind of similar problem in my marriage, with difference that we did not have kids.

    I was like you - happy and he made me depressed. In 4 days I lost like 20lb! (great diet:)) and one day I woke up and said to myself that life is too short to be with someone who doesn't respect me, puts me down. I tried to talk to him, I beg, I cried...and one day I changed the locks in our apartment, gave away all his clothes....He came back one year later on his knee begging for another chance. I refused and asked for divorce. The day when I changed the locks was awesome! I felt so relief!

    I know you have kids...but let me tell you something, kids are not stupid and they see what is going on. One day they can become this same abusive like your husband - to you or/and other people. You don't want this to happen!

    Try to separate with your husband (don't worry about this what people going to say - they always going to talk no matter what!)

    Probably he thinks that you wont be able to live without him and he can do and say anything and you still will be next to him! Show him that you can be happy with or without him! Tell him that if he is going to change you will be back to him...

    One more thing if he doesn't want to change - he wont no matter what you are going to say or do! and you can't work out relationship alone! there should be 2 people!

    If this is the way how he is - he wont never can't change personality...

    Good luck

  • Tony S
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I was lucky when I was married to my controlling wife - we had no kids. I was at about where you are now, ready to end it all. But I didn't, I found the guts to pack my stuff and leave and I never looked back. Let the lawyers sort everything out - leave before you do something that will hurt your children.

  • 1 decade ago

    I really don't understand how ANYONE could still love someone that throws them under the bus every day.

    Oh, three kids I see. I should have known.

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