If a nfather wanted to be involved in an open adoption and the AP's were reluctant, what could he say to ...

change their minds?

What would make the most sense to them? My son is a stable and responsible person that did not choose adoption for his son. When he found out about the child he immediately began to look for the child. Since it had been 2 yrs by the time he was able to contact the AP's he felt like he should be a part of the open adoption. They are not open for it as of yet. What could he say or do to convince them to slowly but surely get to know him so that they would feel more comfortable with the idea? The lawyers are pushing for a huge law suit that would be hard on everyone involved. If the AP's continue excluding my son that is what is going to happen but if it could be avoided it would be better for everyone.

Any suggestions will be appreciated.


Twistin= You shouldn't make assumptions. My son isn't the one that didn't stick around. The mother took off and never told him of her pregnancy. She has a drug problem. My son loves her and has for a long time. He would do anything to help her get out of the life style that she is in but she is unwilling or unable to change.

10 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Join them where they are....."I know you want what is best for the baby. So do I, but you can't possibly know or trust that about me right now. Let's take it slow. Let's get to know each other so you can see my intentions. Let's meet for dinner or lunch and spend a little time together. Without the baby. Just you and me. So you can really see me for who I am. And then, hopefully, you can see that because I love the baby, I want him to stay with you. I just want to be involved in his life too, not as his everyday parent, but as his birthfather. Because I know he will benefit from knowing me. He has a birthfather who loves him and wants the best for him, and didn't just walk away from him. I am hoping that you will know that too with time. I am not here to take him from you, just to join you in loving him. Won't you please consider this?"

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    Knowing what I know about you and your son, I'd say I'd be okay with it, but like monkeykitty83 said, let them know how you found the contact information first so it doesn't seem stalkerish (not saying YOU are, I hope you understand what I mean). Just wondering though... how much does he know about you? Have they told him the reason why you relinquished? I'm wondering if the amount of contact should be based on how he feels about it. Like if he's at the stage where he wants to know you or if he's angry, something along those lines. Then the other issue you mentioned before... his sisters. Does he know about them? I can understand how it's killing you but I think it's going to have to be at his pace. The worst that can happen is they say no. He'll be 18 in a few years and he'll be free to search for you as he wishes. Good luck. I hope everyone will be open to the idea.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Ugh! I am so sorry this is happening. We are kind of going through those same issues from the AP vantage point. We can't find out who the father is, but we believe that if he were to be found/named, he would want to care for/see his child.

    While I would never deny the father that right, save abuse situations...I can't say that it is the same for many AP's. The fact is, they see this child as theirs and theirs alone...and there is little that is going to make them change that perspective. If they are not open to a father just visiting with his child, then they never will be until it is forced upon them I'm afraid. I would try to call and write. He should keep a journal of what he is doing and how often. He should not harrass them, but he should be honest and sincere and interested. He should ask for time with the child and the afamily--so they can see him with the child. Frankly, since he doesn't have any access currently, I would do any legal thing they asked me to do in order to see my son....but I don't know if there is anything that will make them change their mind...save the court system, unfortunately.

  • 1 decade ago

    I hope that your son and his child's adoptive parents can work something out. That would be so much better for the child than some long, drawn out legal battle.

    My best suggestion would be to offer the APs educational resources on the benefits of open adoption for the child. All of the research says that this is very healthy for the child. There's no "confusion" for the child.

    There are some great educational materials available.

    Best of luck.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    Hi Cakitcat,

    I guess what i would do is remind them that you ALL love the child. You all want what is best for the child. Hand then the info Jennifer, suggested informing them of the benefits of open adoptions. At that time, i would say i know we don't know each other very well but maybe we could start getting to know each other now.

    You should be able to tell how receptive they are by their facial expressions and body movement. If they are not receptive take them to court.

    Sorry you, your son, and grandchild have to go thru this. Good Luck:)

  • 1 decade ago

    How did your son find out about the baby. Is he positive, I mean like a DNA test proof positive, that it is his child? If so, the only option is a lawsuit. It needn't be huge. He just has the right to have his child with him if he wants to raise him. I know that this is a hard concept to wrap your brain around, but please be as considerate of the adoptive parents as possible. They have loved and cared for this child as their own for two years. Try to imagine how you would feel if you lost your child at the age of two. It explains their reluctance. And hopefully, will help you and your son to deal with them with a great deal of compassion.

  • 1 decade ago

    My son just went through this and it's a long court battle but worth it. My son is in Idaho as we speck turning over his son back to the couple who stole him. Sad fact. My grandson told me over the phone today he wanted to come back to nana's house and to see his sister. I told him we would see him again next month and that we loved him. My son called after he droped him off crying that his son wanted to go back with him and he had to watch his son cry. I sent him a photo book of all we did this month picturs of him and his sister and cousin I told him when he wanted to see it all he had to do is ask. You know what that baby said They won't let him. So my asnwer to you Sue the **** out of them if they cont to keep this child from your son. Start asking for picture if they don't send them then that is going to look bad on them.

    If your son sues then he will have plenty of money to make visits and pay for att fee's. No amount of money can pay for what your son has been through but it will help him. If nothing else scare this couple into joint custody. Even if they agree with a open adoption doesn't mean they will go by it.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I doubt that you will be able to get an agreement out of them via nice-nice negotiations. From what I have seen from adoptive parents, the only way for natural parents to assert their rights to have access to their children is to scare the crap out of them and take action to make their lives a living hell.

    If your son's parental rights were violated, he can have the adoption overturned. Frankly, I think that the lawyers are right on target in your son's case. Sadly, there is usually no negotiation with adopters. They rely on "possession is 9 points of the law". I have seen that quoted on more than one forum and blog. It is likely that your son will need a big old ugly law suit to even have minimal contact with his child who was stolen from him.

    And never ever doubt that your son's child is better off not knowing you. That is an adoption myth. All through his/her life he/she will long for a relationship with hisher natural dad.

    Source(s): concerned grandmother who has seen the big, bad, and the ugly in adoption greed
  • 1 decade ago

    Unless he had NO IDEA the child existed before the adoption was final, and he's had a DNA test to prove he's the father, he needs to leave well enough alone. If he didn't know about the child and has proof it's his, the lawyer/legal action is the way to go.

  • 1 decade ago

    Depending on his financial state, the 6 month statue has passed in his case,the child was listed as a bastard (father unknown) when the adoption was processed.

    If the birth mother opted for an open adoption,that is only a yearly photo !

    not visits and birthday parties and coming over.

    adopting parents will always be protective of the child FOR GOOD REASON,

    the fear is that the birth parent has changed there mind and wants to kidnap there new bundle of joy.

    can you blame them for wanting to keep you son away from there baby ?

    this family has invested 2 years of love and learning into this child,you should let your son know that he is in a good and safe home,his parents love him and in another 16 years he will be told of the reason his parents look nothing like him.

    at that time you can have you boy list his name as the child's father on an adoption website and if the child wishes to find him,then his will be done.

    your son did not stick around for the birth,regardless of drugs ,abuse of whatever the reason, and thus played no part in his presence for the past 2 years and 9 months other then one fun night to create this child.

    please do not take me wrong,i do not want to sound mean,but look at the big picture,pleas for the baby too.

    i have lived this life,and it is not a fun one.

    his best chance was in the first 6 months of placement.

    a d.n.a. will be required and i wish them both good luck.

    hope i did not offend you by stating the facts,i am dealing with the same situation ,i have 9 adopted and we are fighting for # 10 now,the birth dad has come into question at the request of my lawyer.

    California has a safe surrender law with the same terms as a regular adoption,birth mom /dad have a 6 month recall with d.n.a. and proof of parenting and support to reclaim the baby.

    ITS HELL TO DEAL WITH, we know this well.

    Source(s): Daddy,of 9 adopted, 2 in question at this time,and working on our first girl (not looking good at this point)
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.