I gave my daughter away for adoption and I am feeling devastated now...?

I am a single parent with two kids. I have just given birth to a healthy and beautiful daughter and as promised, I had "given her away" for adoption to my best friend who has been married for more than 5 years and had no children. I have sleepless night since I gave her away. I thought I am strong enough to face this, but I'm wrong. I am torn between the love of my daughther and the promises I've made to my friend. I am a working mum and I am confident that I can look after my daughter, but it's the promises that makes me feel so guilty. My friend and his wife are so "into" my daughter and they had been buying todler's stuff, etc for her. Even their family are so "into" my daughter - I can see the love, care and concern from them towards my daughter. I hate myself for trying to be "cool" when I saw them kissing, hugging and giving her love......Now I am really feeling so devastated. I don't want my daughter to hate me when she learnt about the adoption. Please help...

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Dear SadMama,

    You situation sounds so familiar to me. I too, gave my "friends" (in quotations because I did not think friends could do things like this) children because I wanted them to be happy. First a son and then a daughter (who is full-blood sibling to my two raised sons and is my and my hubby of 11 years blood daughter) I too questioned my decision. I DID NOT try to get my children back. I was promised a very open relationship and that my children would know me always. They decided after "our" daughter's adoption was finalized that they no longer wished to be my friends (didn't want any "interference" or "confusion"). Now I am without my "friends" AND without two children who I still love and worry about everyday.

    I AM NOT saying that your friend would do this to you, just letting you know that I can relate. My advice would be to do what your heart tells you. If your heart tells you to get your daughter, I think you should do that. Before it is too late. I didn't listen to my heart. (I even ignored red flags that were waved in my face because I BELIEVED that I was doing something kind and compassionate.) If it is not too late, get her back.

    If your friend is truly your friend, even though she would be hurt and even though she may even be angry, if she is REALLY your friend she will eventually forgive you and support you. She will ALWAYS have a very special place in your daughter's life even if you raise her. She sounds like the perfect Godmother/"Un-Aunt".

    I also wonder if you have asked yourself if your friendship will survive watching her raise your daughter? If you are having trouble watching them with her now, how will it feel when you disagree with a parenting choice they make? You need you ask yourself these questions and answer yourself HONESTLY.

    PLEASE, unsderstand, I have the utmost sympathy for your friend's situation, however, your daughter is YOUR daughter and you as you said yourself are able to raise her. You do not owe your friend your child, nor are you responsible for her reproductive issues. I know you love your friend and wanted to help her but your daughter should be with you and her siblings if there is no real reason you shouldn't keep her.

    I hope that your friend would understand and I hope that she would eventually able to be happy for you and have peace with your choices. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason (yes, even in my own situation - perhaps I am meant to be an example of what can go wrong. Who knows?) perhaps your daughter was not truly meant for them. There are millions of children who really need parents. Perhaps one of those children belogs with your friend.

    I am so sorry that all of you are in this painful (for at least one party no matter the outcome) situation and hope that you all find the best solution. I hope that if you decide to get your daughter that she is returned to you easily and know that there is another child waiting for your friend. I hope with all my heart that they find each other very, very soon. Best wishes and hopes that you all have happy and healthy futures with your families and that your friendship is strong enough to survive this and any other storms the two of you face together.

    Source(s): Mother of 4, First Mother, Former GAL
  • 1 decade ago

    This is YOUR flesh and blood child you're talking about here. If that adoption isn't finalized and you wish to raise her, then DO IT. No one owes their flesh and blood to anyone else, no matter what arrangements were originally planned. This may still be fixable -- if the adoption isn't finalized yet. Take care of this NOW, otherwise you will have to live with it for the rest of your life, as will your daughter.

    If you lose a couple of friends in the process, they weren't such good friends in the first place. True friends wouldn't want to see you permanently separated from your child. They would want to see you two happy together.

    It's not like you "promised" them your car when you were done using it. THIS IS YOUR CHILD! YOUR child. I don't doubt that they love her, and that's all well and good. You may have thought you were making a good decision at the time. This is why people should not make "pre-birth" matches. They then feel obligated. No one is obligated to give away their own child, for crying out loud.

    Source(s): Happily reunited adopted citizen.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Do you think that was the best. I was a single mom of three I gave my youngest two to this woman that was supposed to let me get on feet, and give them back. Now she wants to adopt them I told her ye beings that she has had them for 8 years and I do get to see them and they get to come to my house. But I regret doing that but I thought it was the best for them.It is hard to try to do thing on your own sometimes,now I am married going on four years and want to have a baby, but I can't because I got my tubes tied. I have a relationship with my other two kids. Now I am thinking about adopting a baby. Even though I don't have my other two I wasn't ready and now I am. Do you get to see your daughter? If not that wouldn't be right.

  • 1 decade ago

    Dear Sadmama,

    I am so sorry for your pain. I can't pretend to know what you are going thru. I know adoption sounds great on paper but IRL its much different. Its hard to know if adoption is for you or not until after your daughter is born. So please ignore some of these ignorant answers, they probably know nothing about adoption. The first mothers, adoptees, prospective adoptive parents, and adoptive parents here are the ones tell you to get your daughter back. Tish has ties to adoption too;)

    Some promises were made to be broken.... This is one of them. I don't care who they are, it is not your job to provide a baby to childless couples. Anyone who expects you to do this is not a true friend.

    Almost all prospective adoptive parents understand a mother's right to change her mind.

    From my what i hear over and over and over again, is that this is just the beginning of your pain. It will not get easier or better with time.

    Please do not feel guilty. I hope and pray you haven't terminated your parental rights yet. Get your daughter back.

    I wish you and your daughter all the best.

    Source(s): adoptive mom
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  • Lillie
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    If this woman is truly your "best friend" then she would never have taken your precious baby daughter from you.

    If she is truly your "best friend" then you should be able to go to her and tell her how you feel, and she should give you your daughter back, no questions asked.

    Babies don't need a "better life"...they need the mother they were born to and bonded with in utero and love and want and need. Get your daughter back!!! If this woman hates you for it, then she was never your "best friend" to begin with.

    But what is more important? Your own flesh and blood or a fake friend who was only after your kid?

    Source(s): 35 yo reunited adoptee
  • Kazi
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I am so sorry you are in pain as I can't even imagine.

    Has the adoption been finalized? If not, then you have every legal right to raise her. I suggest you tell your friends NOW. You may lose them as friends, however, I am sure that the loss of friendship will be an easier pill to swallow than the loss of your daughter.

    If the adoption has been finalized, then I am so sorry, but there is no going back. As much as it must kill, I would suggest you maintain a great relationship with the parents and most importantly your daughter.

    Good luck!!!

  • 1 decade ago

    I cant even imagine your pain but all i have to say is think about these questions and make a desicision.

    1. Do you love your daughter enough to get her back and possibly lose good friends?

    2. How would your daughter feel if she found out you gave her up for no reason and that she has brothers and sisters she doesnt know about or dont know there family?

    3. Would you be able to forgive your real mother if you were in that same position?

    4. What problems and pain will your daughter when she's older because of your mistake?

    If you cant get her back Im so sorry to make you think about all of this but if you can i want you to consider all of this. Im only 15 but I have wisdom beyond my years. I've been through a lot and i live with my mother but i have no relationship with her because of her past mistakes that affected my life and i have had a lot of pain. And its really hard to get over something which was not in your controll. Trust me when I say it's hard and it takes God's healing to fix my life. And your daughters so I want you to consider all of this. Thanks for reading.

  • 1 decade ago

    My advice, before you do anything rash I suggest you talk to a counselor. What you are feeling is normal. Just remember though, the reasons you gave her up still are valid. She has a good family, and you did that so that she could have a good life and the kids you already have can keep the same standard of living etc. I feel bad for you, my sister put 2 babies up for adoption and she feels sadness about it too, but she takes a step back and reminds herself why she did it. She isn't going to hate you, you gave her life and gave her a good family. A HAND PICKED family!

    Talk to a professional about how you feel before you try to take the baby back. Especially if the adoption is final, if that is the case then bringing this up to your friend and his wife may do more harm than good. They may close you out of the baby’s life if they feel threatened.

  • tish
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    ok... i'm going over to the pregnancy board and post a question:

    the question will read: "if you are considering adoption, have you researched adoption-related issues and loss?

    i mean, seriously...i'm so heartsick reading these types of questions referring to "regretting adoption placements."

    far too many young women are regretting adoption decisions, and are basically screwed when they try to get their children back.

    ---------------------------

    depending on the situation of your adoption order, you might still be able to not go through with the adoption. if you haven't signed termination of parental rights papers, then i'd advise you to go get our daughter, and deal with the friendship later.

    ps. don't let anyone tell you that you are just reacting to hormones...you are reacting to the natural love you have for your daughter.

  • 1 decade ago

    If the adoption isn't finalized, or if you are still within "waiting period", you can legally change your mind.

    I believe that adoption is the best option for people who are unwilling or unable to parent. Especially since you are close to the adoptive parents, it's easy to feel obligated. But even speaking as an adoptive parent, you need to push that aside.

    The right of a mother to change her mind is emphasized over and over again, to the adoptive parents. They know you have every right to do this.

    Very best of luck to you.

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