This is long, but i need advice?
I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. About 60% of the time we are happy. He is caring and loving. But he has been violent, physically in the past. I have forgiven him because it's not the typical sort of domestic abuse, he does not control me, annd has trust in me. However he lashes out when something doesn't go his way, for example he was trying to put the shower rail up the other day, but he couldn't, so he snapped it. He punched the speaker in his car because it was buzzing. Last night we were having an argument and he went to drive out of his house, i asked him not to leave and put my arms round him.. He kicked his legs out and started hitting me with his shoes he had in his hands. He hurt me, but eventually he calmed down. He told me we don't have anytime to give any sort of intamacy to each other. Later than night, we ended up having sex. I broke plans off for my friend tonight and asked him to come over because he was stressed and upset about some finances which need
need sorting for University. He cheered up, but when i couldn't sleep and was moving around, he flew of the handle and said he was goinghome. I didn't let him because he's had a drink, i gave him the bed. Im sleeping on the floor . He has had some violent out bursts in the past when he has hurt me bad in an argument. Other times, over periods of a month we are great. I just don't know what to do. He has also been unfaithful to me in the past by speaking erotically to his ex, recieving pictures of her, and pretending we wern't together.
- Barb OuthereLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
Firstly - stop making excuses for his bad behavior - it sounds like he has enough of his own.
Secondly - do not accept that he has any right to do that with you, or you are setting yourself up for even worse - and it does ALWAYS get worse.
Thirdly - make it a condition of your continuing the relationship that he gets help with HIS Anger Management Problem. Not every one will do what he does. He needs to learn better ways of dealing with frustrations and stress, or he will end up hurting you.
If he won't get help, and keep at it - get out of this. You have enough warning of his lack of control. Ignoring it, will only lead to real pain.
- native1Lv 51 decade ago
This is going to be a little difficult , but try and bare with me on this .
First of all your boy friend needs to get some counsling for his out burst . If not he is seriously going to hurt you one day .
In the beginning I was just going to suggest that you give him an ultimatum , go to counsling and control his anger or you are leaving . But then you mentioned the ex . So now , I am going to have to suggest some thing totally different .
I am sorry , you may not want to hear this , but your best bet is to leave and not look back .
If you continue to stay with him , I'm afraid it is only going to get worse for you .
There is nothing typical about abuse . Abuse is abuse , no matter how it happens , and what you are going through is abuse .
Not only is the abuse going to continue and get worse , but he is eventually going to go further than just talking and looking at pictures of his ex , it will end up with him cheating on you with her , if it hasn't happend already .
Why would you even want to be around some one like him ?
His issues and out burst will cause you to live a life of hell .
Do you really want that ? You deserve to be happy just as well as any one , so why not find some one that will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve ?
You said that about 60 % of the time you are happy , my guess is that that 60 % is all due to your efforts .
You have tried all you can with this guy , and it's time you realize that this is one thing that is broke that you can not fix .
And if you can't fix it , you toss it .
It really is time that you move on so that you have a chance at being happy .
Good luck .
- hithere42Lv 51 decade ago
If it was just the punching inanimate objects thing, that would "just" be an anger issue and forgivable.
The beating you with shoes part -- well. That very much crossed the line. You can try anger counseling for him if he'll stick to it, but personally I don't think it's going to get any better. It seems like this is pretty ingrained in him and not only that, he's also gotten used to getting away with it around you. So, I'd ditch.
In the future, if your next boyfriend needs to leave to cool down, I think you need to let him go. But a real guy would handle your clinginess in much better fashion than by assaulting you -- that's his problem, not yours.
Edit: Oops, I forgot about the whole unfaithful part. Way too many issues with this guy, and your relationship. He's not worthy. Ditch this schmuck, and don't look back.
- 1 decade ago
Please read this carefully!!!! I have been in love with an abusive man before. I know what you are feeling like right now. I'm honest when I say it ONLY GETS WORSE! I know you don't want to hear that. If you love this man then you're hoping he'll just stop the abuse, change and things will get better. I'm sure you are often walking on eggshells in your own home. Not fun is it? It never stops! You will constantly and more frequently find yourself doing this. Right now all of us are on here saying "LEAVE THIS JACKASS!" We don't have to tell you this, YOU already know you need to dump him. You won't do it until you're ready. Don't let it be too late. Leave him now before you endure anymore of his abuse. YOU DESERVE BETTER! Remember he can only abuse if you allow him. It will be hard but you have to stand up for yourself. It will hurt like hell BUT trust me there's light at the end of the tunnel. You can make it. I did, and I'm happily married to the man of my dreams. I would have never met him if I didn't get out of my abusive situation. I'm glad I did!
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
This is a RED FLAG WARNING SIGNS TO GET OUT. It's never OK to lash out on a love one. If he was really out of control or in rage he would not be able to direct or limit where he kicks or punches would be. It sound like he Dominance,Humiliation,Isolation,Threats,Intimidation you. Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable a bad childhood a bad day. It a common pattern abuse,guilt,excuses. If you feel afraid much of the time, avoid certain topics out of fear of angering him, feel you can't do anything right, wonder if you're the one who crazy. (This a sign )you have normal days and he act like nothing has happened may turn on the charm no it's to give you hope that maybe he change. Only way he change is went he get counseling for his self and you leave. PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE HIM domestic abuse is dangerous if you love him like you say you do leave for his own good so he can get counseling and get counseling for yourself too. THERE IS ALWAYS HELP OUT THERE FOR YOU. Take care of yourself first there is only one you. May god be with you.Source(s): National Domestic Vilence Hotline 1-800-787-3224 or 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
- 1 decade ago
There is no reason for violence to be excused. Any incident should be a sign to terminate the relationship. Call the police and leave this guy. All research shows the violence will increase. You are not responsible. As long as you stay involved with this bully you are in danger. End the relationship.
- somethingelseLv 51 decade ago
I think your boyfriend has at the very least and anger problem. Anyone will tell you that once you've been hit it WILL happen again and it will get worse (more severe). I think you should not be seeing your boy friend anymore. You probably should get some councelling so you don't continue to let such people into your life. I wish you the best and that you will know that you don't deserve to be hit.
- 1 decade ago
That guy needs some serious help really soon. And YOU need to stop being his doormat. I understand there are emotions involved, right now neither one of you is doing the other any good. 60% of the time you are happy ? NOT a great percentage there for sure.
So long as you tolerate this behavior from him, he has no incentive to change.
Best of luck.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I hate to say it - but chances are he will never change. I have one question for you - Don't you think you deserve to be treated better - all the time? I'm speaking from experience - I did marry someone like that, he only went off once before we married, but I should have seen what was coming, do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying what and when its gonna happen again.? It took 16 years for me to get the courage back to divorce him. He destroyed my self esteem because all of his outbursts - he managed to blame on me.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
leave him!he wont ever change,not unless he wants to.the most importnat thing for you to do,is realise you are worth more than this and to get over him so you are free to experience real love which you will im sure with another man.i bet the right guy is out there somewhere jsut waiting for you,leave this current control freak before you lose every bit of self respect.