I need a really honest review of my poem. Comments or criticism?
As the night nears black,
no need for one when guilt is your gun.
I’m going insane,
for the ones I’ve slain,
still remain to haunt and I haven’t forgot
a single face.
I cannot erase
these terrible thoughts deaf with gunshots.
Their fate sealed shut
with a silencer, from what?
Surely not their screams, and my guilt isn’t redeemed.
I’ve found you.
Oh, no, what have I done?
Trembling hands drop the gun.
Her crimson pools around as I fall to the ground.
Her blood holds my reflection
frozen in perplexion.
Her tears are my own, but the ones not shown.
I’m screaming inside,
but in whom can I confide?
You know suddenly it’s near
when all you can hear
as the night turns black.
- PatsyLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
Hmmm. It sort of lets the reader in on what's in your head - yet holds back some. I mean the total meaning is not clear - but maybe that's what you're aiming for. The 2nd stanza is almost like the chorus of a song. I learn more from that than the rest of the poem. Great vocabulary. Easy to follow tempo. But something keeps me from really being struck by it.
- costarakisLv 44 years ago
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- *back home*Lv 41 decade ago
Much as I enjoyed this poem, I cannot help but wish that you would post a DIFFERENT ONE. I have seen this one being re-posted all week...surely you will have generated enough comments to make significant improvements.
Remember that I have nothing against you or your writing...in fact, I love both. But please share something new for me to enjoy. <3