Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Is my love poem good?(thank thou mates)?

Love poem IV

I

The light of Venus, grace of the skies

Shines with vigor in her cloudless eyes

A heavenly joy does dwell in her heart

An innocent love with no disguise

II

Long I delved in the starry sky

Where I believed my love twinkled

Yet she was there and I did not know

Under the sun, a bright spot flickered

(to be continued…)

Update:

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

I need some proper critique please

Update 2:

I need some proper critique please

so dont get tempted by two cheap points

do not dissapoint me, do not tease

Answer me rightly and win 10 points!

Update 3:

I meant disappoint, sorry.

Update 4:

To saoirse_na_heireann:

The rhyming pattern in the first stanza is AABA (also known as a Rubaiya).

6 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    The proper anachronistic expression would be "thank ye mates" In any event, the first stanza is good, but "dwells deep" might have sounded closer to natural speech. The AABA rhyme pattern works well for this poem...so why did you abandon it in the second stanza? "Flickered" and "Twinkled" is marginally slant rhyme, but is not in keeping with the more perfect rhyme used in the first stanza. I agree that "twinkled" is a bit cliche and the line is weak. I'd suggest a full rewrite for stanza 2...and I'd give stanza 1 a 7 out of 10.

    ...keep writing

    Source(s): Editor, New Poets Press
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  • Buzbe
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Lulleh FF,

    I must say that you started off with the Roman Numerals as if I was in for a long soliloqy on your thoughts of describing never ending love, but you got out all the maps and compasses, packed your bags and ran out of gas two blocks from home! The Sun is the grace of the skies for the light of Venus is small and finite in it's aura. The rest of your confession is pure and heartfelt but I would have phrased it this way...

    Light Of Venus an aura in midnight skies,

    Shines pure with the vigor of cloudless eyes

    A heavenly joy doth dwell in her heart

    Innocent brushstrokes life's canvassed art

    Longful I delved into this starry night

    Passion and harmony together takes flight

    Under the sun a bright spot did flicker

    In winds softly blown in my ears they whisper

    Of a flower who's petals quickly divide

    To grow with a purpose and have no disguise

    Floating in space so free of disgression

    I look to the cosmos to make my connection

    (To Be Continued...)

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  • Hi,

    The first verse was looking great, but if u rhymed skies with eyes i think it would have been better then to rhyme heart the last line in that verse.

    THe second verse does not continue in a rhyming style as nothing rhymes.

    But i love the metaphors and the descriptions, they are beautiful.

    If someone wrote that poem and gave it to me I would be highly impressed.

    Good luck.

    Id recommend either write it all in ryhming sequence or not at all.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I am glad you reworked the first verse, the flow is now smooth. As to the second:

    L1: Delved?

    L2: weak line and twinkled is cliched to me

    L3: ok

    L4: "hidden by sun"?

    Keep the 9 beat per line going. Your end rhymes in stanza 2?

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I really, really like it. Our writing is similar. It would be awesome to write something collaboratively with you.

    However (although not related to the poetry) you are using "thou" incorrectly. It is "thank thee," etc. "Thou" is used differently; for example, "thou art thanked" would not be improper.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    thats very good actually. Im not one to tell you what to change or anything like that because I could never right something that good. Sounds good to me! Good luck!

    Source(s): my brain
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