Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Jane wants children, John does not. What would you do in this situation?

For example: Jane thinks she want to have children. Her boyfriend John has two children and is divorced. He doesn't want anymore children, whether it be his own or raising another child along with Jane.

It's not that Jane can't live without him - she doesn't want to.

The only thing separating the two of them is the thought - not even the fact - that Jane want's children.

Mind you...this is it. True love that both of them have been waiting for their entire lives.

Do you think Jane should be happy with John the rest of their lives and sacrifice the idea of children, simply because of love alone? Because really, how often is one lucky to have finally found "the one"?

Well thought out, mature replies appreciated.

13 Answers

Relevance
  • Lilly
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    John already has children of his own. Jane does not.

    If Jane is like 99% of women out there, she has been dreaming of this ever since she was 3 years old and tucking her dolly into bed, and cradling the dolly in her arms. John is not only asking Jane for no more children...he is also asking her to not have any children of her own, ever. Never to experience the joys of pregnancy, never to raise an infant through to adulthood. He is asking jane not to have ANY biological children of her own.

    I do not think Jane should sacrifice the idea of children. It is almost an instinct in some women. I think if John does not agree, no matter how much they love each other now, in 5 years time they will not be together. They are incompatible if they cannot agree on this very important point, and it most definately should have been discussed in the beginning before comitting to each other. If Jane and John are not married, they should not be getting married until they can come to an agreement.

    Jane doesnt have children of her own...which means that John is asking Jane NEVER to be a mother, never to raise her own children, never to experience the joys of pregnancy. To ask this of a women...it would break most women's hearts. If Jane backs down, the relationship will not last as she will resent being forced to give up a dream that she most likely has had since she was a child, and was playing "happy families" with her dolls. Most women were born with the natural instict to be a mother, and I know for myself, I could never be compatible with someone who doesnt want children. John has every right not to want more children. But he should understand that Jane has every right to experience the joys of motherhood for herself, and not secondhand through his children.

    Don't just think of what you want now....think of what you will want in 10 years time. If you sacrifice children for love now...will you still honestly love the person the same in 10 years time? Or will you have some resentment? If you sacrifice children now to save your relationship, but the resulting resentment will end up tearing your relationship apart....is it worth it?

    Goodluck with this very difficult situation. But i know personally from a womens point of view, no matter how much i love my soulmate, I could never voluntarily give up my dream of having children.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Elsie
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    This a huge issue, and if Jane really really really wants a child, then she will always regret giving that up to be with John. On the flip side of the coin, if Jane decides children (or even just one child) are more important, and is willing to leave John to be with someone to make that happen, John may "give in" to keep her, and be miserable the rest of his life, or resentful because Jane didn't have to compromise.

    Quite frankly I can't see Jane happy if she agrees to not have any children at all. Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I honestly think that if John agreed to have another child, he wouldn't regret it, and here's why...

    My cousin did not want any more children. He had 2 boys from his first marriage and was content to not have anymore. His second wife wanted kids, so the "compromised" on just one. They had a daughter, and she is the light of my cousin's life. He absolutely adores her, and can't imagine what his life would be like without her. Both of his boys were older when she was born, so there was no sibling rivalry, or the new baby taking all of the attention away from the "old family". The boys loved their little sister, and she idolized her big brothers.

    I don't know how you know these people, but I hope my opinion helps them to make a decision they both can be happy with.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    Why can't John be happy with Jane's choice and love the rest of their lives happily without forcing Jane to sacrifice the idea of children? It goes both ways.

    Communication before marriage would be a great idea.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think Jane should find someone who is open to the idea of having children.....She may end up resenting John for never wanting to have a child with her....She could be very happy with John and not have any children...but how can anyone know for sure?

    • Login to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    when there is a disagreement to have children then the "no" always wins.

    this is where choices come in.

    Jane has a decision to make. She has to decide which is more important to her. Having her own children or staying with John and accepting his children and later his grandchildren as her own.

    Only Jane can make this decision. She has to understand if she wants children and can't imagine living a life without her own, then John is not the man for her. Yes, she loves him but if she loves the idea of her own children more then this is the wrong relationship for her.

    If she just can't imagine her life without John, then she needs to understand that she is giving up on having her own children. If she thinks that she will regret not ever having her own children then she can't marry John. But if she can give up the idea of her own children and have her need to interacting with children met elsewhere (through nieces, nephews, stepchildren, volunteering, etc) then she can marry John.

    when both options will break your heart, you have to decide which one will hurt it the least.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    This can only be understood by people how have went through this... When you have a yearning for a child you feel incomplete and nothing will feel that void. If it is true love then why wouldn't he want to have a baby with her? It's not fair of him to say no just because he has been fulfilled. Jane shouldn't have to sacrifice having children, no matter how much she think she loves John. She'll never really be happy and a part of her will always resent him esp when people around her are having babies. Its a tough situation to be in, but I think I'd have to leave no matter how much it hurt and try to find someone who wants a family like she does.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    John doesn't love Jane like Jane loves John. Is Jane supposed to be happy with just John and John's kids? What about Jane? Isn't it supposed to be about what Jane wants? Don't let Jane settle for anything less than Jane deserves.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Pepper
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I don't believe there is only "one" person out there for anyone to love. There are many out there, and many that can make Jane happy. There is no such thing as one soulmate. We all have many soulmates, good and bad.

    Jane and John's values do not mix on a very key issue. I don't think Jane will be happy to forego having kids. Ultimately, she may resent John not wanting this with her.

    There is some "one" out there that will match Jane's values - including having kids - just waiting for her to find him.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 1 decade ago

    if john is really 'the one', he should be more than happy to give jane at least one child if that is what will make her happy. Jane will always be a 'mother' but not in the sense that she wants to be. John is already a father and cannot see jane's point of wanting a child of her own.

    Source(s): been there, done that
    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    this has nothing to do with whether john loves jane. john can love jane just fine and have different goals, wants and needs than jane does. this is an issue of compatibility, not love. one that wants kids cannot easily give up this want, one that doesn't want kids will be miserable if kids are forced upon them. john and jane are incompatible.

    • Login to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.