If you are contemplating suicide, I suggest you see a psychiatrist or licensed counselor.
First and foremost, If you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, He can turn your life around. There's nothing going on in your life that Jesus can't help you overcome. He said, "Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." He will bear your burdens, if you'll let Him.
Life insurance policies usually have a two-year contestable period. This means that the insurance company can contest the policy if death occurs in the first two policy years. This contestable period also relieves the company from having to pay a claim for death by suicide, if it occurs in the first two policy years. Check your policy because the contestable period may be different in your state.
Best wishes, and may God bless you.
Retired agent, 30 yrs. service