What do you think of my prologue for my story?

The sky is blue. a bright blue. The clouds swirl in the sky. The wind blows lightly, pushing Isabelle's hair back. She laughs and twirls around, her arms held out at her sides. To her, the world is beautiful, and perfect. Simplicity. I wish i could still believe in that.

She smiles and skips around, laughing as her skirts blow around her. As her purple hair flys up and hits her in the face. I smile and continue washing the dishes. She sees the world black and white, now, i thought, but soon, very soon, she'll see the shades of gray in it.

I shook my head and tried to focuse on the positive. She seemed happy, and that's what was the most important thing. I still worried though, all the time. The way she talked, and smiled, i knew she had dreams of bigger and better things out there. I didn't want to be the one to break her heart, but i didn't know if i wanted to let another person tell her the truth: fairy tales weren't real.


Footsteps echoed in the hall and i turned around, expecting to see my husband standing there, telling me that i shouldn't be washing dishes, cause that's what a dish washer is for. But it wasn't him that stood in my hall. It was something else, someone dark. The tall man gave me a cruel smile and walked forward. "Hello, there." his voice was slimy and cold.

A chill ran up my spine. "Who are you?" I asked, my voice shaking. I hated myself for that. Showing weakness was something i had always done. "What do you want? Why are you in my house?"

The smile grew and as he stepped foreword, drawing a knife, i knew this was the end. My life was over. I was done. But i had so much to do! My daughter needed me! And my other child, what about that one? Would he ever see the world?

My back was pressed against the sink. The man was growing closer. "Please," i begged, "Please don't hurt my children."

Update 2:

But it was too late. He plunged his knife into my stomach and as i gasped, falling to the floor, the world turning red and black, i heard his voice, cold as a winter's night

"Oh trust me, I will."

3 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Not bad, but I feel the dialogue was a little cliche. You're trying to make a serious moment with the later part, but it feels thrown off somehow...

    I guess I can't explain it too well, but it just feels a little over done, or just not in place. "Trust me. I will." It seems unecessary for him to say that since the women is dying anyways.

    Maybe if you patched it up a bit, it would improve. I'm sorry I couldn't be more specific, but I'm not sure what's wrong with it.

  • 1 decade ago

    It isn't working for me. Too many sentence fragments. Too many tense changes. Syntax errors that cause choppy, hard to read sentences. Spelling errors. The beginning is your standard cliche "weather report opening".

    Also it is very flat and lifeless. Is is two dimensional with very little genuine emotion. And the last sentence just doesn't do anything for me. It sounds so fake.

    You need more characterization in here. More emotion. It is an okay start in laying out what you want for a prologue, but it isn't there yet. You have a ways to go. Pax-C

  • 1 decade ago

    The 1st part is very discriptional, which I don't really like at books, but that's up 2 some1's personal liking.

    The second part get's better when the dark guy approaches, but I don't like the violence in the end.

    If I knew the story, maybe it appealed 2 me.

    But I don't really like it till now, sorry!

    If u continue writing, post smthg and maybe u'll get a better opinion 4 the rest. ;-)

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