He proposed, there's just one little problem. advice?

My boyfriend proposed yesterday, but here's the only problem. He doesn't want a wedding. He hates being in front of people and he hates being the center of attention. He says "I'd rather this just involve me and you, and not everybody at 'our wedding'"

It's sooo frustrating, because of course me being a girl I've dreamt of having a wedding since I was little. I want to be able to plan a wedding plus all the other stuff you get to enjoy like a wedding shower and stuff, but he hates the idea. He says the sooner the better and he'd rather "go to court and have two witnesses". haha, definitely not my idea of my dream come true. I don't have to have a big huge extravagant wedding, but even though I've explained this he's still hesitant.

help!! how do I get him to change his mind? I know if I don't at least get a small ceremony that I'm going to regret it my whole life. He's so hard headed. Any opinions will help so much.

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You should defenitley watch the movie Sex and the City, Carrie and Big had the exact same problem!!! I defenitley know how you feel as I too am that person that dreams of the big perfect wedding where you are the spotlight for one day and its extravagant and once in a lifetime! But you do have to remember that its not your wedding its both of yours and both of you have to feel comfortable with how you do it. I have a couple suggestions for you;

    1. Why not have a small ceremony, you two a couple of your closest friends and immediate family and have a casual party afterwards (same day or day after) like a backyard BBQ or a potluck dinner, or rent out a section of a restaurant to invite more of the people you wanted to be there. Therefore hes not having to get up infront of people and confess his true love for you but your still able to celebrate it with more people than just you and him.

    2. Why not go somewhere tropical for a wedding. My friend just got married in the Dominican and it was just her two of her friends, her immediate family, her groom along with his immediate family and their grandparents and two of his friends. THey got married on the beach at sunset, it may not be what you always dreamed about but its completely romantic and memorable thats for sure! They also came home and had a reception a couple weeks later as well that they invited all their family and friends too.

    3. Why not just go somewhere just the two of you. I was looking at places to get married the other day and I have always wanted to get married in the mountains. I seen one place where you can actually take a helicopter to the top of a mountain and get married there! There is something about being so far away from everyone and the busy life below, and just being at the top of a mountain with the incredible view and so secluded from everyone and everything that is so romantic!

    4. You could always have a small intimate ceremony and record it to show your family and friends as well at the reception type gathering if you choose to do one. Videographers do an awesome job at making a wedding video, plus youll have a copy to keep forever as well.

    Your wedding is supposed to be a union of two people in love and making it just that can be so romantic and memorable too without having to go big! You both need to make a compromise in this situation, like I said you can do a small intimate ceremony if he agrees for a reception or a ceremony that is not in a courtroom. You both need to be respectful of eachothers feelings, if you go ahead for a big extravagant wedding you might risk scaring him off and if you go for a ceremony at a courtroom and no kind of celebration at all the last thing he should want is for you to regret your wedding forever! I think you should ask the question of what is more important the celebration or "event" called the wedding or the meaning behind the whole ordeal???

  • 1 decade ago

    I feel your boyfriends pain as I too have a wedding fear. I just know that while walking down the aisle I will trip over or fart or something extremely embarrassing. And I dread the idea of sitting at an elevated table while everyone looks up at me whispering to each other complaints about the wedding.

    This is my suggestion. For the ceremony, you should wear a wedding dress and only have immediate family in attendance and get a few photos for your album. Then a nice relaxed meal somewhere.

    A few weeks later, have a party, bbq, or book out a restaurant and have all your friends and relatives. But don't make a fuss about it being 'a wedding', call it a celebration party or something to downplay it a bit.

  • 5 years ago

    You didn't say how old you were, so I have to figure that your possibly 20 or under. Just because you agree to marry doesn't mean you have to do it tomorrow. Lots of couples get engaged then work and save for down payment on a home. Or they finish school first. Commiting yourself to one another in this stage puts a whole new light on your relationship. It's a time of vital learning about one another, do not skip the steps for a happy relationship. Take the time to find out if this is the man you want to spend your life with or just a few years and some kids later find out that your not even good friends anymore. A messy divorce hurts the children as well.

  • 1 decade ago

    It'll be ur first lesson in compromising. And compromising isnt a one way street. You are going to have to find a solution in which you will both be happy. Also remember that this is a chance to see how he reacts and deals with this issue and a glimpse into how he'll deal with other issues in your relationship.

    My personal opinion is that you should have a small wedding rather than no wedding. Maybe you can have a first dance but cut the song shorter so that he doenst have to be in the spot light for so long. ITs not all about him anyways..most eyes will be on the bride.

    He also is missing the whole point of a wedding which is a CELEBRATION of your love and union of two families.

    talk to him and tell him how much it means to you and if he is still stubborn then i'd say cancel the engagement until he decides to grow up!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    How about this... check out Sandals resorts. they do what they call a weddingmoon. If you stay 6 or more nights in a resort at a certain room level you can have a free wedding and it includes quite a bit! then have a nice relaxing honeymoon and once you are back you can have a big party as a reception for the two of you but then you will already be married so he gets the private wedding but you get the celebration!

    And you can still do a shower and batchelorette no matter how you do it!

  • 1 decade ago

    Make sure he knows how important having a real wedding is to you. If you're opinion is really important to him then he'll be willing to compromise. This might very well set the tone for the entire marriage, so put you're foot down!

    There are lots of ways to celebrate without having a full-scale extravaganza. Suggest a small wedding, with only close friends and loved ones. Maybe even a destination wedding! Something casual, like on a beach. No tux's or speeches.

    And you don't have to have his permission to have a bridal shower! If you and you're friends want to have a party then have one! He doesn't have to be involved if he doesn't want to be.

  • 1 decade ago

    1st rule in marriage....compromise. You guys need to meet in the middle and have a small wedding with a maid of honor, a best man, and less than 40 guests. When I look back on my wedding I wish I had done that. Its so much more special and intimate. Or another idea would be to go have a destination wedding with just the 2 of you (like to hawaii or something) and then come back home to have a celebration with your family. The biggest piece of advice I can give you though is; if he doesnt realize how important it is for you to share this with the people you love, and isnt willing to meet you halfway, you guys are in for a long rough ride for the rest of your lives. Good luck hun.

  • 1 decade ago

    i do agree to a certain extent on the other ans'z u recvd..u could also try this with the others :plz avoid having negative opinions (abt him being hard headed)so early in ur relationship katie... guess ur in love with the idea of participating in the wedding ceremonies by itself...nothin wrong in that... mayb u can tell him that ur ok with a smal ceremony 'just for his sake' coz u love him but anytime in ur life u come aross a wedding bash, u are gonna 'think' about the lil wedding u had...remember, its not 'regret' but 'think'..

    If he loves you, he will find a way to make u happy on ur d-day coz u were ready to sacrifice the 'big' idea for his sake.. if he doesnt, not that he doest love u but unable to overcome his fear... but this situtaion can also be read as him being the dominating kind which u have to tweak if ur not all that comfortable..

    all said and done, if u really love him, maybe this might be the time to put it to test, to see if ur compromising enough to go his way.

    edit** if he insists on just the 2 of u,destination wedding is a good choice n intimate(it would take ur mind off the church wedding if u plan it well) ...u can think of ways to make it special for both of you..

  • 1 decade ago

    My fiance dosen't like being up in front of people either. However, he also knows that I want a wedding! Soultion: We are having a destination wedding. Only our closest family and friends, we have about 40-45 guest coming and we are having it on the beach whihc is what he really wanted it!!! Maybe you could suggest something like that to to him? Also, my fiance has askef me if we can practice the wedding ceremony thigns we have to do ahead of time so taht he feels comfortable and isn't worried about doing something wrong. So we are going to do that to. Also remind him, that people that will be ther , will be ther eto support you to and that it is important to you. They aren't there to judge you, but to celebrate!

    Talk if over with him and tell him how you feel. Find some middle ground that will make you both happy! Congrats on the Engagment!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Have the wedding you want. It means more to you then him. My husband hates big weddings and we eloped and I regret it. Or have 15 ppl at some location and do a small reception for 15-25 people. Have your parents there and enjoy each minute. I should have done a small wedding somewhere and I didn't. Tell him how much it means to you and tell him he doesn't have to help you plan anything. Learn from my mistake-do something small or something for like 30 ppl. Have family and friends there that love and support you both.

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