Does anybody know any good jokes?

Does anybody have any jokes? They can be about blondes, aliens, whatever, as long as they're good.

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  • 1 decade ago
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    here are the jokes i know... :)

    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

    "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

    and another one.......

    A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

    When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

    The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

    After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

    Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

    and..............

    A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.

    Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

    I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.

    Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?

    Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

    Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your loving daughter,

    Rosie.

    At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".

    Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

    PS:

    Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

    I love you!

    Your loving daughter,

    Rosie

    another one.......

    Somebody asked an African aborigine:

    - Are you a cannibal?

    - No, my brother was, but I ate him.

    **************************************...

    - Huh, look at this guy...he is like a pretty girl in gay-club.

    **************************************...

    Between friends:

    Boy: Honey, if I marry you, will your father buy me a new car?

    Girl: Yes.

    Boy: And, honey, if I marry you, will your father buy us a new house?

    Girl: Yes.

    Boy: Now, honey, if I marry you, will your father make me a boss of his firm?

    Girl: Yes.

    Boy: Ooh, honey, cutey-pie, dear, sweaty, will you marry me?

    Girl: No.

    **********

    this one also

    Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very

    faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on

    the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to

    pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

    One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off

    her panties and use them.. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather

    expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky

    enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on

    it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their

    business, they proceeded to go home.

    The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally

    sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the

    other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting

    to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!

    'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card

    stuck to her butt that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll

    never forget you.'

    here is another one........

    A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards.He thought to himself "That's wierd" and kept walking.

    The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's. He thought to himself "Now that's REALLY wierd!" and kept going.

    THe next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards.

    The man said "I can't take this any more!" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!" the caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."

    one more.........

    A man calls 911 and tells them, "my friend's been shot dead!" what should I do!

    The woman on the phone says "Make sure he is dead before you assume that." "If not do CPR".

    The man gets off the phone to check his friend, the woman on the phone hears a gun shot.

    The man gets back on the phone and says "okay he's dead now what?

    oh one more

    Legal / Logical

    After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor.

    "Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?"

    "Of course, otherwise I would not be a professor!"

    "Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly, but if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam."

    "Okay, it's a deal. What's your question?"

    "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

    After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an "A."

    Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question.

    The good student answered immediately: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical; your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal - and the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"

    another one still..........

    There was this alian named me.All he could was say is me.He went to a place and they were saying forks and knives forks and knives.Then when he went out side and this kid said``he stole my lolly pop!``.Then a bus passed the kids on the bus said``were going on a felid trip were going on a felid trip.``Then there was a murder and the police said``who killed this guy??``.the alian said``me``.and the police man said``how did you kill him?``the alian said forks and knives and forks and knives.the police man said``im going to have to arrest you``.on the way to the car the alian said``were going on a felid trip were going on a felid trip``

    a copy of above???.........

    there was an alien on earth, he couldn't speak any human languages.

    he went to a pet store and all the kids were saying "me! me! me! me!"

    so he said "me me me me"

    he left the pet stop

    hope u lik

  • 1 decade ago

    mothers have a day called mothers day, fathers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have? Palm Day!

    Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one?

    blonde version of who wants to be a millionaire:

    fastest finger question: put these Rocky movies in order starting with the earliest.....Rocky 1,Rocky 2,Rocky 3,Rocky 4

    These 2 blonde girls drove to Disneyland.They saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" So they went left and went back home.

    They found 2 blonde girls frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre. They went to see "Closed For The Winter".

    why cant blondes make kool-aid

    they cant figure out how they get 8 cups water in the koolaid packet

    Did you hear about the blonde that was fired at the M&M company?

    They caught her throwing away all the W'S.

    Doctor (using a stethoscope): "Big breaths."

    Blond: Yeth. And I'm not even thickteen yet

    how did the blonde get square boobs

    she forgot to take the kleenix out of the box

    this blonde ladys friend was somewhat injured and needed to go to the hospital for medical attention.So she eventually got her to the emrgency.So the nurse at the er asked her why didnt she just cal "911"? The blonde lady said"well i couldnt find the "11" button."

  • 1 decade ago

    A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.

    The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

    The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

    The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

    The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

    "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

    "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I know a website that has the best jokes I have ever read. The one I remember the best is:

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

    “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

    Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

    Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

    Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

    But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

    Holmes is silent for a moment.

    “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

    And the website is :

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  • 1 decade ago

    A businessman meets a beautiful girl?

    and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment, "Rent For Apartment."

    On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:

    "Dear Madam,

    Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

    1) It had never been occupied;

    2) There was plenty of heat;

    3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

    However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

    "Dear Sir,

    First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed regular, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady."

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    a man from france met a island woman he liked what he saw and wanted to get down but he wanted the favor returned he tested her and said "do you eat'?she answered and said "do you cook?

  • 1 decade ago

    a young polar bear asked his mum , mum am i a grizzly bear or a polar bear, his mum replied your a polar bear sweetie , a few minutes later he askes again, mum am i a panda bear or a polar bear again his mum replies your a polar bear darling, a third time he asks mum am i a polar bear or a koala bear , getting frustrated she replies , for the last time your a polar bear , why do you keep asking? he said cause i'm bloody freezing

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