here are the jokes i know... :)
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
and another one.......
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
At the bottom of the page were the letters " PTO".
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
I love you!
Your loving daughter,
Somebody asked an African aborigine:
- Are you a cannibal?
- No, my brother was, but I ate him.
- Huh, look at this guy...he is like a pretty girl in gay-club.
Boy: Honey, if I marry you, will your father buy me a new car?
Boy: And, honey, if I marry you, will your father buy us a new house?
Boy: Now, honey, if I marry you, will your father make me a boss of his firm?
Boy: Ooh, honey, cutey-pie, dear, sweaty, will you marry me?
this one also
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on
it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their
business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting
to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her butt that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
never forget you.'
here is another one........
A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards.He thought to himself "That's wierd" and kept walking.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's. He thought to himself "Now that's REALLY wierd!" and kept going.
THe next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards.
The man said "I can't take this any more!" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!" the caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."
A man calls 911 and tells them, "my friend's been shot dead!" what should I do!
The woman on the phone says "Make sure he is dead before you assume that." "If not do CPR".
The man gets off the phone to check his friend, the woman on the phone hears a gun shot.
The man gets back on the phone and says "okay he's dead now what?
oh one more
Legal / Logical
After failing his "Logistics and Organization" exam, a student confronted his professor.
"Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?"
"Of course, otherwise I would not be a professor!"
"Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly, but if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam."
"Okay, it's a deal. What's your question?"
"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
After long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an "A."
Afterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question.
The good student answered immediately: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical; your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal - and the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!"
another one still..........
There was this alian named me.All he could was say is me.He went to a place and they were saying forks and knives forks and knives.Then when he went out side and this kid said``he stole my lolly pop!``.Then a bus passed the kids on the bus said``were going on a felid trip were going on a felid trip.``Then there was a murder and the police said``who killed this guy??``.the alian said``me``.and the police man said``how did you kill him?``the alian said forks and knives and forks and knives.the police man said``im going to have to arrest you``.on the way to the car the alian said``were going on a felid trip were going on a felid trip``
a copy of above???.........
there was an alien on earth, he couldn't speak any human languages.
he went to a pet store and all the kids were saying "me! me! me! me!"
so he said "me me me me"
he left the pet stop
hope u lik