Anonymous
Anonymous asked in 社會及文化語言 · 1 decade ago

請人幫CHECK GAMMAR!!!!

Proposal on bringing mobiles

To: Mr. Lai

Date: 16 May 2008

Prepared by: Anita Shiu

Introduction

In this proposal, i will address of students bringing their mobiles phone to school with rationales.

Finding

According to my research, 0.16% of student have been caught with their mobiles in 2001. 1.58% of student have been caught with their mobiles in 2002. 2.67% of student have been caught with their mobiles in 2003 and 54.2% of student have been caught with their mobiles in 2004. 7.5% of student have been caught with their mobiles in 2005. The line chart has a continuous increase in the number of students bringing their thei mobiles to school. It is because the prices have been become affordable in recent years.

Recommendation

The solution to this is that to let the students to bring their mobiles to school with rationales. Bringing the mobiles phone to school is a convenient way of communication and it is useful in case of emergency. Also their parents can trace the whereabout of their children. Although bringing mobiles to school is useful in case of emergency, but the ring tone are disturbing.

Rationale

To be rationales, school should make some rules of bringing mobiles to school and set some penalties for the students who did follow the rules. Turn off the phone during lessons, assembly and exam period, they cannot use their mobiles in the classroom, special labs, library or exam hall. For the rule-breakers will receive warning letters or demerit point.

Conclusion

I hope my suggestions meet with your approval.

請幫我改好AND列出錯誤

1 Answer

Rating
  • ?
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    In this proposal, i will address the issue of students bringing their mobiles phone to school with rationales.

    I'd rewrite your 2nd paragraph as it's too repetitive - 'According to my research, 0.16% of students were caught carrying/using a mobile phone at school in 2001; 1.58% in 2002; 2.67% in 2003; 54.2% in 2004; and 7.5% in 2005. The chart here shows a continuous linear growth in the number of students with mbile phones. This might be due to the ease of obtaining a mobile phone in recent years.' (no need to state 'with their mobile phones' everytime. it's already mentioned)

    The solution to this is that (cut this word out) to let the students to (cut) bring their mobiles to school with rationales. Bringing the (cut) mobiles (cut) phones to school is a convenient way of communication and it is useful in case of emergency. Also, their parents can trace (use 'track' for movements) the whereabouts of their children. Although bringing mobiles to school is useful in case of emergency, but the ring tone (change to 'ringing phones') are disturbing.

    To be rationales ('rational'), schools should make some rules of bringing mobiles to school and set some (cut) penalties for the (cut) students who did ('failed to') follow the rules. Turn off the phone during lessons, assembly and exam period, they cannot use their mobiles in the classroom, special labs, library or exam hall. ('Phones should be turned off and not to be used during lessons, assemblies and in exam halls.')For the rule-breakers will receive warning letters or demerit point. ('Those who failed to comply will receive warning letters and merit points deducted')

    Some words can be cut out and rephrased to make it sound more professional. Some grammatical problems also presented.

    Hope that helps.

    Source(s): Me
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