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Stripped to bare bones. Is it better now.?
Tread this path
Forgot the pain
that still remains.
prayers I cried
- MargueriteLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
It's nice and tight. Very tight.
- :: tomi ::Lv 41 decade ago
Add another syllable in the "long ago" line. My favorite line is "Corroded Soul." The fourth line is rather strained though, I would play around with it a little more. I didn't see your poem before, but I would recover at least some of the imagery to get your point accross better. Really great poem though.
- 1 decade ago
I actually disagree. I do not think the line "long ago" should be lengthened. This is the syllable pattern I'm seeing:
Perhaps you may want to make the third two lines match up in syllables? It sounds fine the way it is though.
- Tehseen BLv 51 decade ago
Nice poem......there is always hope for tomorrow:)
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Good one. Yes "YESTERDAYS DEAD". And today Is here.
But "TOMORROW" will wait for us.