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Stripped to bare bones. Is it better now.?

"my prayer"

Tread this path

many times.

Forgot the pain

that still remains.

Wounded heart,

corroded soul,

prayers I cried

long ago.

No tomorrow,

yesterdays dead.

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's nice and tight. Very tight.

  • 1 decade ago

    Add another syllable in the "long ago" line. My favorite line is "Corroded Soul." The fourth line is rather strained though, I would play around with it a little more. I didn't see your poem before, but I would recover at least some of the imagery to get your point accross better. Really great poem though.

  • 1 decade ago

    I actually disagree. I do not think the line "long ago" should be lengthened. This is the syllable pattern I'm seeing:

    3

    3

    4

    4

    3

    4

    3

    3

    4

    4

    Perhaps you may want to make the third two lines match up in syllables? It sounds fine the way it is though.

  • 1 decade ago

    Nice poem......there is always hope for tomorrow:)

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Good one. Yes "YESTERDAYS DEAD". And today Is here.

    But "TOMORROW" will wait for us.

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