Make/break relationship..SINCERE ADVICE PLEASE.sorry for the longest question :(but SERIOUS ADVICE ASAP,URGENT
Serious help needed!
I am 21 years old, and was dating a 24 year old guy. We both are from Delhi (India), and have same religion (Sikh). We both started dating in September’07. Things were great till December’07; we both loved each other, deeply. We shared a very good, strong relationship & were physically involved too, but on mutual basis.
But then suddenly, around in December’07 I could feel that he had started avoiding me a little. He started avoiding my messages, would reply after three messages that I would send, would not take all my calls, would take the third or the fourth call, and would hung up saying, he’s been real busy with work. Initially I thought he might have been busy, but then later, it got on my nerves.
Then on my constant asking and pestering him, he told me that he wants to end all of this, he said he is not comfortable being in this relationship. I was totally moved by this saying. And then later, in a about a week’s time, when I kept on asking him, what made him take this decision; he told me that he could never marry me.
His family is totally anti-love marriage (reason being, one of his first cousin’s was recently murdered by his wife after six months of their love marriage), so because of this, the family is in a state of shock and would never accept love marriage again. He said he could feel, that both of us have been getting serious in this relationship, day by day, but he sees no future to it. So, to avoid hurting me in the end, he wanted to call it off.
He said he respects me, and hence did not wish to hurt me further, or fake anything and go around and date for the short run. He was sure, that he can not give me any commitment. Even tough he loved me to bitts, but going against his family for him, was something not possible. So, ending terms was the only way out. But then, he again left the situation on me, saying that though he wants to be with me, because he loves me, but he can’t give me commitment, so if I still want to continue with him, he is all ready. I though a little that time, and than concluded, that we can try, as it is, he is not getting married before 2010, so I thought, that things might change by then.
So, we got back to normal terms that time. Though, being normal was not all normal that time. He was usually upset and not comfortable. He always had a fear in mind, that we can never get married, and obviously we were forever moving on to a serious platform. So he was usually hesitant about it. But things were moving on like this, a little slow, but kind of okay-ish.
Then suddenly, one day something struck me, and I just messaged him saying, that did he always loved me and met me for lust! I asked him, if he was always lusting for me. And after a few hours, he simply replied back saying “yes, it was just that” ! I got totally pissed with it. I was dumbstruck. I could not believe it, and I replied back with a very sad and an ugly looking message. I broke terms with him, n abused him to the heights, (as in- abused in the message), I did not talk to him in person. But he did not say anything in return. He did not even try to give me any clarification, and nor did he abuse me back. He took it, as I said.
And then two days later, I just realized, that he might have accepted my doubt, because, that I ways I would break all terms with him and feel a little better, rather than he breaking terms with me. Because no guy on the face of earth would ever accept that he was only lusting at the girl, and secondly so easily. He made no move to prove himself right at that moment. I felt, probably I was wrong. Then to see how things were with me, he asked his best friend to give me a call and find out, (though, he himself did not make a call), and later, in 2-3 days, we got back to normal talking terms.
Yet again, we were again, but I knew he wasn’t so comfortable with the situations. He always remained upset. I too was way too upset. So, last week, I messaged him saying, that I leave everything on you today. I said, if you want to continue, let’s start all over again, but if you want to end terms so it be. I said I trust you and your decisions and whatever you say today would be my command. He replied back saying, that he respects me and my feelings, but as a matter of fact, he cannot give me long term commitment, he cannot go against his family. He said, if I still want to continue, he is still ready for it. Then I replied him back saying, that being with him is a gamble for me, and not for him, but I am ready to play this gamble all my life. I said I can try and wait all my life for your commitment because I know he loves me, but I said, you have to play it fair. I said, you cannot feel un-comfortable all the time, and cannot stay in the hiding. I said, it’s okay if u don’t give me commitment but at least don’t run away from it. I said, I can play the gamble, but if u think u can play it fair, then tell me. He then replied back saying, that lets leave it den. He cannot continue that ways, it was really awesome being with you and be in touch... And all that!
I cried and weeped after this, but then realized, this was probably our destiny. And I decided to not try to get in touch with him ever again. His relationship status on orkut suddenly changed to committed the immediate day after this. Previously, I also had deleted him from my orkut account (when that lusting issue happened), but , after all this I sent him a friends request again, saying that I am adding you only to retain an old friend, add me u wish to. For five days, neither did he add me or reject my approval. Just yesterday after five days, he rejected my friend’s approval (I know, he got online on orkut at least 25 times before that, I could see him replying other people). In the meanwhile, day before yesterday, he again made his best friend call me up, just to check out things at my end (of-course, the best friend did not say that he’s asked him to call, but I could make that out). Because, this guy never calls me otherwise, its always, when we fight or end up, this guy gives me a call just to check out things.
And then, yesterday in the evening, my boyfriend messaged me and asked me if I could catch him up, (I had just not kept in touch with him since Friday, I was totally out of touch, because he called me up on Friday and he was feeling really low that time, he said n asked me why do I send him such sarcastic messages, he said he feels really bad about them, so I promised him that time, that I would never do that ever again. So, I did not). So after his message, I said I could meet him up in half an hour’s time, so then later he said no, he doesn’t have time to wait. (He was actually outside my work-place and thought I would be there too, but I was at home, which he wasn’t aware of). Anyhow, we did not meet up.
Now, I don’t know what to do. I am in a state of dilemma. Don’t know, if I should let go him, or get in touch with him, and try to get him back. I know he loves me; he is doing all this because he loves me, but I don’t know what to do. I know he is not committed; he changed his status just to convey that message to me, so that I can abuse him and forget him. If he is not interested in me anymore, why did he make his friend call me up, to check out, how am I doing? Why did he message me yesterday? Or was he just playing around when he messaged? If he had to not accept my friends request on orkut, what took him five days to decide? He could have done it on the first day also. If he got committed immediately the next day of we calling it off, when I messaged him the first time, he could have told me that time also, that he has someone else, why did he give me another option to be with him?
Friends, you know the entire situation now, why do you think he’s behaving like this? Did he ever love me? Or was he always faking it? Does he still love me? Do u think, his love is worth waiting for? Shall I forget him and come over him? Or shall I wait for a while there, set him free? Or shall I keep on getting in touch with him? Shall I take his best friends help to find out what is happening? (Though I don’t know, if his friend would be loyal enough n not go back to my boyfriend and tell him, that I have been asking about him). What should I do? Did he ever love and cared for me? Does he still have anything for me? Why did he even message me yesterday? Shall I wait for him to message me yet again? Or shall I take an initiative this time to call/message him and ask him to catch up? Please friend, tell me what shall I do? This situation is realllly killing! Please guys, I need some serious help.
Thanks to all of u in advance, but please, give me serious answers.
Secondly, its not that he got this marriage issue up because I was forcing him for this or something, I in fact never thought about it initially, He himself got to discuss this with me, when he realized that we were getting serious, and on the other hand his parents were looking for a bride for him (though he is not getting married before 2 more years). So, it was he himself, who confessed in and said initially, when he for the first time tried avoiding me.I WOULD WANT TO ADD ONE MORE THING, IF ANYBODY OF YOU WANTS TO KNOW SOMETHING MORE, OR YOU HAVE A QUESTION IN MIND , THEN PLEASE WRITE IT, I'L ANSWER YOUR QUESTION IN "ADD DETAILS" , AND PLEASE , RESPOND BACK AGAIN :)
(i faced this, when i posted the question last time, there are people asking questions, so i would answer them here, you please respond again after reading the details again. )