kanata asked in 社會及文化語言 · 1 decade ago

(改文)各位,請求大家幫一幫我改英文作文及評level...

好多謝你入黎幫我!無論咩評語 ,我都接受ga!如果有埋level就最好..唔該哂你o地!(p.s 我係會考生)

06 ce syll B

QUESTION 1: As part of"Creative Writing week" at your school,your teacher has asked you to complete a diary entry that begins with the sentence" I woke up this morning and discovered I was eight feet tall."Write the diary,describing what the day like for you.

I woke up this morning and discovered I was eight feet tall. Without any hesitation, I immediately gave myself a punch to see whether it‘s real or not. However it did hurt! I tried to take a glimpse on my new look. No sooner did I scream. I looked like a fierce monster.

To my surprise, I had green feather intensively on my whole body, especially my eyebrow. I had only one wing on my middle back, but not two.I hada yellow mouth,too.All my features were colourful and strange.To be frank, I took after a crazy and green cock who was going to have a date with a hen.I cannot believe it.I do not want to see anybody.

What‘s more, I took deep beath to let me calm down.Suddenly, I noticed a yellow memo that was sticking on my hair. It said:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Congratulations! You will me the lucky one who can have a special experience of being an animal for free. Enjoy our product. If you have any problem, please call back by 007.Thankyou for your attention!

007 company

I was shocked.” I am not lucky actually. How poor I am !It is incredible!”, I murmured. Next, I tried to contact that company, but it did not work. How come it only got three numbers? It is ridiculous!.All of a sudden, there was a flash in front of me. I fell asleep. when i woke up,everthing back to normal.Now,I am a human ,but not a cock.

Is it a dream, or……?(252 words)

Update:

007 company 應該在右邊..整錯位

2 Answers

Rating
  • Baggio
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    1st paragraph :

    - eight feet tall. - to be changed to eight feet tall ! Then you have to describe how did you discover, such as : My head touched the ceiling when I stood up.

    - I tried to take a glimpse on my new look. - should be followed by - at the mirror.

    - No sooner did I scream. I looked like a fierce monster. - These two sentences should be linked together because the first sentence does not make sense by itself. Moreover, No sooner did I scream is a little strange and also not correct grammetically, should be changed to - No sooner could I scream,

    2nd paragraph :

    - To my surprise - is not strong enough to describe your feeling. Remember you looked like a monster, so you should use stronger word such as : Oh my God, I had.... / What a look I had ! / etc.

    - I had green feather intensively ...... - you are missing the verb here, should be changed to I had green feather growing intensively....

    - eyebrow - missing s - eyebrows

    - I had one wing......but not two - compare with what ? You were not a bird before that had two wings, so should change to - but not two wings like a bird. My suggestion here is not even mention but not two.

    - I had a yellow mouth - you cannot have a yellow mouth - should be - I had yellow lips, too.

    - I took after a crazy.... I look like, not took after. Also I suggest not to use the word crazy because crazy is normally describing the mind, not the look. You can use the word terrible green cock

    - I cannot believe....anybody. - forgot to change to past tense.

    3rd paragraph :

    - What's more.... calm down. - I think you are trying to use this sentence to lead to the next sentence Suddenly.... - In this case, you have to put the word when in front of I took deep breath, also you should use a deep breath (not beath)

    2008-04-13 03:38:53 補充:

    - Since What's more is a good starting of this paragraph, I think you should keep it and therefore you have to take away the word Suddenly to make it more fluent and sensible.

    2008-04-13 03:39:15 補充:

    This sentence will therefore become : What's more, when I took a deep breath to calm myself down, I noticed a yellow memo sticking on my hair

    The letter :

    - You will be (not me) the lucky... call back by 007 - call back 007 is enough, no need to use by

    2008-04-13 03:40:08 補充:

    5th paragraph :

    - I was shocked - use !, not a fullstop, so as to express your shocks.

    - I am not lucky actually - actually is not strong enough, better use at all, or even AT ALL !

    - Next - change to Then I immediately - the word immediately shows how serious you were

    2008-04-13 03:40:48 補充:

    - How come.... numbers - got change to consisted

    - All of a sudden - All at a sudden

    - a flash in front of me - change to I saw a flash and I lost conscious. This is because you cannot see a flash in front of you. Also asleep sounds very peaceful, better use the word conscious.

    2008-04-13 03:41:18 補充:

    - but not a cock, use !

    Ending : Good , but should use was instead of is

    Comments : Very good imagination. Overall grammar is 70/100. Dramatic effect : 60/100. Overall grading B to B+.

    2008-04-13 03:42:01 補充:

    Suggestion : No need to try to find anymore difficult or incommon vocab, your passage is clear and it conveys your idea quite well using your existing language. Only thing is to try to put yourself into the story, that is - your feeling.

    2008-04-13 03:42:31 補充:

    You can see that I changed a lot on the words that shows your feeling to make it stronger, also I use more ! to make the story more dramatic.

    You are a good student. I think you can do well in exam.

    Source(s): Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself, Myself
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  • 1 decade ago

    there are not much content inside

    there are also quite a number of gramatical mistakes

    the no sooner part is wrong

    it is quite obvious that you used some words that you do not know and you used them wrongly

    it is a diary,so you will not write down what you mummured

    the theme is good,but it is not well-developed

    be aware of tenses and prepositions

    i think it will be graded 3 or something like that.

    Source(s): me
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