Shary
Lv 6
Shary asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Critique Poem: JiJi Arrows of Love?

What My I?

A novice in game of love?

A flying bird or dove?

Jiji is hunting my heart

I am falling apart

Arrows of love thrown at me

I run but I fall on my knee

JiJi hear my sigh and plea

I want to sing

I want to be free

Ouch your last arrow has landed

I am in the field of love stranded

Jiji come closer and you can see

What love have done to me?

I am helpless and what can I do?

Only in your loving arms I surrender

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Sounds like a good start, but it just needs to flow more smoothly.

    like this maybe:

    A novice in a game of love

    My fate it looks so bleak

    I try my best to run away

    but cannot move my feet

    My heart it races

    and I hear

    Jiji closing in

    I cannot let you get to me

    I cannot you win

    You throw your arrows of love at me

    I block them, but they hit

    slowly they are stunning me

    removing all my sense

    You appear

    a last arrow posed

    You have finally hunted me down

    Helpless I can do no more

    but surrender to your loving arms

    I don't know if you like this, but this is sort of an example of a smoother transition in between verses. It was slightly hard because I don't know that exact emotions felt by the author.

    Source(s): I love to read and write poetry!!
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Dear Sherif555

    Unfortunately your poem is far to stunted, each line seems to be a single statement, rather than a flowing rendering.

    May I suggest that you find a quiet corner and reread it out load. See if you can feel in your heart if this is really how you want to express yourself.

    Others too have to feel what you feel, what you really are trying to say. Be honest with yourself and ask "Is this the best I have to offer, or can I do better?"

    I think that you can.

    Robert

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    that was really good!!! I like it.. I can kinda relate to it although it's not exactly love... lol... if it's based on a true story, I think that's REALLY sweet... and good luck on your relationship if it is based on your life... =) NICE POEM!!!

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