HECK!!! I'd give you a whole team
BUT EVEN THOUGH I PUT THIS DOWN, I RESPECT THEM AS HUMANS AND BASKETBALL PLAYERS
THE STARTING 5
Sam Cassell is the ugliest guard in the history of professional basketball, by a long margin- the 1996 Bulls of perimeter hideousness. Everything that can go wrong with a human face, side from gigantic warts, goes wrong with Cassell's. But we'll give Cassell his due. He has boldly stepped up time and again and said, "Never mind how ugly I am! Just get me the damn rock!", and has made shots.
All-Ugly Pop-Up: Cassell- sorry, Gollum- is a college teammate of Bob Sura, winner of the Dan Majerle Award for Tannest Basketball Player of the Century.
Long, hairless, features stretched and exaggerated, Reggie Miller belongs in Whitley Streiber's dreams as much as on a basketball court.
All-Ugly Team Pop-up: Reggie Miller played under Walt Hazzard at UCLA. The ugly Bruins were upset in the second round by Fennis Dembo and Wyoming in 1987.
Now, I understand that between the ears, Popeye Jones is probably more or less of normal intelligence. To the best of my knowledge, he functions normally in society; can write a check, drive a car, change his own clothes, that kind of thing. But I see this picture, and quite frankly, it's hard to believe he isn't somehow mentally impaired in some way. It's unkind to say, but it's true. The poor guy- not poor, actually, just ugly- guy just has so much shape to his head. He looks kind of like a Slow Mutant from Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series.
Unsolicited Advice to Popeye Jones: Grow hair!
During a Cavaliers broadcast from back in the day when the gargoyle they called "T. Time" at Xavier was with the club, Michael Reghi uttered the words, "Tyrone Hill, lookin' good!" I understand he's supposed to get the Cavs' backs, but come on. Like Pino says: "Pop. Stop lyin'."
All-Ugly Pop-Up: There are now two natives of the OH-10 on this team.
As flat-out hideous as this man is, he does have an excuse- two excuses, actually. He's seven foot-seven, and he's from Romania. That having been said, he looks brutal. Brutish as well. Inch-for-inch the ugliest man on this team, that team, any team. Looking at Gheorghe Muresan makes one nostalgic for the Cold War, when this monstrosity would have been hidden by the Iron Curtain from our oh-so-tender eyes.
Hubie Brown is about 4000 years old, which hasn't done much for him in the looks department. What this photo doesn't do justice is the translucent nature of his skin.
The fact that you can see his blood pulsing through his skin is terrifying. He looks like a living wax sculpture.
Now that's a gas-face for the former UCLA star and Bruin head coach.
We won't throw too many stones at Havlicek, because he's from the OH-10 (Martins Ferry, to be exact), and he did have a nice head of hair. I don't know where his face belongs- maybe in a black-and-white picture- but his hair belongs at the country club, circa 1973, with a whiskey sour and a turtleneck. Nice 'do, Hondo!
Larry Joe Bird, in addition to being an All-Ugly performer, also owns the distinction of being the ugliest man on the ugliest team in NBA history, the 1985-86 Boston Celtics. Larry Joe, DJ, McHale, and The Chief provided a solid core of unattractiveness, but it was the acquisition of Bill Walton that put the C's over the top. I'm a little surprised that the Big Redhead isn't on this team. He can be the announcer.
Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Make that three from O-"Hi!"-O. 'Ole Calvin is from Reynoldsburg. It's like the post-Civil War Presidencies around here.
There is something unnatural and terrifying about a human head that is shaped like a thigh.
In certain parts of Eastern Europe, Jake Tsakalidis is an absolute stud. A zillion drachmas says he's the Rick Derris of Thessaloniki. Put him in a full-length leather coat, throw some gold chains around his neck, and Tsakalidis is capable of bedding a very large chunk of the available woman in the former Soviet Bloc, not because he's rich and has access to vodka, cigarettes and bread, but because the Ivankas and Svetlanas over there think he's plan old 'hot'. No proof of this; just a feeling. The teeth probably don't hurt him either.All-Ugly Pop-Up: Jake Tsakalidis is not from Ohio. He's from Georgia. Rustavi, not Macon or Norcross. You can't drive beer to Texarkana from Rustavi, Georgia, even if you've got a '77 Trans Am and a good buddy with his rig, and Sally Field to share the ride with you.
Bateer would make a perfect wrestler. Bad guy, of course. King Kong Bundy type. He could wear a singlet with one arm strap and could call himself "The Intifada". Bateer could fight a "Special Delivery" Jones of a chumpstick opponent at Wrestlemania and pin him in nine seconds.
It's freaky how Hawes's arms extend all the way out of the picture. He doesn't look too terrible, but he probably looks a lot worse if you see all of him.
What's personally very distressing is that I have the same hairdo as Steve Hawes.
He's also not listed on basketball reference.com. Whadda a chump.
OTHER SPECIAL MENTIONS
Ah, Billy Paultz. The Whopper. I saw this dude in an old NBA highlight film of the '83 Western Conference Finals. He is discussed to certain lengths in Terry Pluto's book about the ABA, Loose Balls, but I hadn't actually seen him in the flesh until I watched that highlight video. There he was, out there for the Spurs. I was like John McEnroe: You can't be serious! Billy Paultz looks less like a pro basketball player than anyone in the history of the league. As ugly as some of the Euro-trash on this team are, at least they look like they belong on the court. Paultz had an amateur golfer's body, and that is being very generous. He was a big, flabby, wet whale of a man. The absolute last thing he should have wearing, ever, was a basketball uniform. Particularly those Daisy Dukes they wore back in the day. Imagine playing against the guy. First of all, he was a dirty player. Second, if you're battling him in the low post, every five seconds or so you're just smacking into those acres of sopping manflesh. Smack. Feel the hot clamminess. Smack. Feel the sweat-spray on your lips and tongue.
It's good to be thin, but Closs took it to a ridiculous extreme. He was 7'3", and he weighed about a buck sixety-five. He also had freckles.
Ewing's jaw... there hasn't been one of its like in the human race in 60- shoot, 70,000 years. If Ewing was to pass on, and you got a hold of his skeletal jaw and buried it in the Olduvai Gorge, the archeologist who dug it up might announce that he had found a speciman that was almost certainly Homo Erectus, though remarkably well-preserved. Ewing doesn't clean up well, either. He looks worse in a suit than in a uniform. Bad part is he wore the suit for most of his career, as he watched one ringless season after another pile up. Good. He and his team destroyed pro basketball in the '90s. The Knicks weren't good enough to beat anyone fair and square, so they just played rough. F--k them, and f--k Ewing too!
All-Ugly Pop-Up: Mike Fratello's Cavaliers also destroyed pro basketball in the '90s.
Pippen did us the favor of talking the way he looked: nasally. Scottie Pippen was just a nasally guy, with a nasally face. With a mug like his, it's no wonder he came down with migraine headaches at extremely suspicious times.
It's appropriate that an All-Ugly Honorable Mention was Shaq's favorite whipping boy. Shaq considers himself pretty. He was just sick with seeing Pollard come out with a different hairstyle every day and nailpolish and samurai beards and trying to front him with his weak game. So Shaq had to dunk on his *** and launch him into the photographers out of habit. And get the call, too.
Best Scot Pollard Quote: "How am I supposed to guard him if that's a foul?"