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Why do some people frown on a birth mother still consitering herself the child's mother?

I don't understand this.

My daughter, Veronica, I had to give up for adoption since I was about to be homeless when she was born and I wasn't about to bring a child into the streets, it's an open adoption.

But people degrade me for still considering her my daughter saying that I'm no longer her mother because I gave her up (I just wanted the best for her).

No matter what papers say, nothing will ever change the fact that she IS my daughter and she will always be my daughter and I will always love her, no amount of paperwork can ever change that, and the situation I was in at the time, giving her up was the only option I had otherwise she would have been on the streets with me and that is no way to raise a child.

So, I just don't understand why, adoptive parents and natural parents alike, say I'm not a mother because of this, does anyone know why they say this?

(This happens in real life, it's not a Y!Answers originated issue)


Bree Z: This happened 2 years ago, a lot of things can happen in 2 years. You aren't homeless forever just because you have been on the streets in the past you know...

Update 2:

faeyth: Then, buy your definition, I would have no mother, she was never there financially, emotionally or in any other way for me, and my father was only there financially, so, by your standard, I would only have half a parent.

Update 3:

faeyth: My first calls me Mimi, which is a term sometimes used for Mom while calling her adoptive mother Momma.

46 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    umm no you're not her mother, sweetie you gave her up. /just because you gave birth to her, doesn't make you her mom except biologically.

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  • 4 years ago

    First mothers disguising themselves as adopted persons in order to state their views on adoption reform? It sounds like someone's paranoid. I'm an adopted person. I've never relinquished a child. Heck, I'm infertile, so I've never even given birth to a child. I'd like to see reforms in adoption. There's certainly nothing radical in wanting to improve a system that has a history of secrecy, dishonesty and discrimination. Why would openness, honesty and equal treatment under the law considered radical? Actually, the history of adoption included all of those at one time. Therefore, anyone wanting to bring those back would be better described as conservative, or possibly reactionary, in terms of adoption law and practice! Why would someone think that any person in favor of such is perhaps a "birthmother" posing as an adopted citizen? Paranoia? Fear? Lack of insight? Well, it's too bad, but there will always be a few out on the fringe who are such.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Of course you are her mother. And you always will be. No paper was needed to make that true, and no paper can take that away.

    I think some people are threatened. Didn't know you were that scary, did you?<grin> When people are threatened and defensive they tend to attack others and try to gain an upper hand. If adoptive parents are not secure as parents of their child (perhaps because they have not come to terms with infertility), then they might try to pretend they are the only parents. But of course they are not, and sadly it is really their children they are hurting with this attitude.

    We have told our daughter that she has 3 mommies and 3 daddies, because she lived for her first year in a foster family in China and that is also a HUGE part of who she is.

    I'm sorry people are saying this to you. But really, who cares what they think. It is what you and your daughter think that is important. And since you have an open adoption, I'm sure your daughter knows very well that you are her mom and how much you will always love her.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I was taken away from my birth mother at age 9 (by the homewreckers called C.A.S)

    Boy did I ever put up a fight ,,,,It took about 8 cops to get me into the social workers car ,,,, I to this day resent the C.A.S

    They did not even try locating my relatives on my fathers side of the family ,,,,

    So I see your point ,,,,,You deserve to recognized as the child's mother ,,,,And if you decided to try and get your child back I would under stand (I would even try to help in any way I could)

    I know for a fact that the people who adopted your daughter could never ever love her as much as you do

    That's a fact ,,,,,My adopted parents did not want me when they found out I had some emotional problems

    So what dose that tell you about an adopted parent (they only love you when things are going well)

    Dont listen to any one who puts you down (we should have a chat some time you would find we have a lot in common) as she is your flesh and blood ...

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  • 1 decade ago


    I understand what you are saying. In the legal sense, you are not her parent. The adoptive mother is her only LEGAL mother. Man's law cannot, however, erase the fact that you are also your child's MOTHER.

    What really hurts here is that people support -- even expect -- women in your situation to relinquish. You're hailed a hero for putting your child's needs first, until the ink is dry. Then, you're just the "birth mother" -- not REALLY a mother, though. Some people don't even think the word mother should be used at all. Rare, yes, but I've read people who feel that way.

    How cruel of people to stand by while a mother makes such a heart and gut wrenching choice because she has no resources, encourage her to make that choice, applaud her WHILE she's making the choice, then turn around and tell her she's not a mother.

    I'm so sorry you have to live with hearing this from people. Your ARE, and will always be her mother.

    I am adopted and as far as I'm concerned I have two MOTHERS and two FATHERS. I call all of them Mom and Dad. My first set of parents made a heart-breaking decision because they felt it was the only way to protect me from some bad circumstances. How DARE anyone say they aren't parents after making this most painful sacrifice.

    Source(s): Happily reunited adopted woman.
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  • Well lets see, you have computer because you are asking this question, So I guess being poor wasn't for very long. And YOU are not her mother. A mother is someone who takes care of there child no matter what. If i was in your position I would of slept on the streets with my babie in my arms keeping her warm. Then I would cry and beg for help tell I got her a nice warm place to live WITH me. And no can give a child a better a life but there loving mother, who did everything in there power to TAKE CARE OF THEM. So veronicas foster mother/father are her family

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I was my son's mother at birth, I am his mother now and I will be his mother until the day he leaves this world.

    He just happens to have another mother as well as me. How wonderful to experience maternal love not once but twice.

    You are her mother and you always will be. We do not need to split our children in two or three or four parts. Everyone has enough love to spread around, our children are no different. People say things like this out of fear and ignorance. The Lady has given your daughter a loving mother times two, rejoice that she is so loved.

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  • In your case, I think that you made the right decision. And you loved your daughter, you have every right to still consider yourself her mother. Although you are not her only mother.

    In the case of my boyfriends biological mother: She left her 2 year old and her 4 year old on the side of the highway. She had a 6 months old at home who was never picked up out of her crib, except for maybe once a day. Her children were taken away from her and placed with a loving mother. If she were to contact him today, I would tell her that she has no place to consider herself a mother. The child that is growing inside of me will NEVER know this woman, and I am thankful for that.

    It just depends on the scenerio.

    God bless you sweetheart.


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  • 1 decade ago

    You are and always will be Veronica's mother and she will be your daughter. Yes, now she has another set of parents. If it weren't for "birthmothers", there wouldn't be any AP's. You just don't have any legal rights over her. That's what has changed.

    I don't know how old your daughter is, but if this is something that has happened recently, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't get any better. It took me about a year to realize that it was best not to bring the subject up because all the "crap" they spewed before the adoption about how wonderful, blah,blah, blah I was, didn't hold water after the papers were signed.

    You now belong to the "I was a worthless, child-abusing, crack-whore society". Sorry for your pain.

    "Lauren's" first mom

    Sam's mom

    Source(s): I am not speaking about ALL AP's and PAP's, just the few who give the great ones a bad name. I do include all adoption agencies and adoption lawyers who perpetuate this crap.
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  • 1 decade ago

    Boy this is a tough question. I am an adoptee. I can tell you in the adoption triad that a birth mother is just that. The woman who gave birth to you but relinquished you for whatever reason.

    In my case, bmom relinquished me because the person she had me with went to VietNam and she was considered as an outcast in her family and was not allowed back into her home once they learned of her pregnancy. In that case right before he left for VietNam, they came and talked with my mom and asked her if she would adopt me. My birthmother came to live with mom and dad the last 4 months of her pregnancy.

    This woman gave birth to me. That is it. I do not resent her for relinquishing me. The reason behind this is because her father had molested every girl in the family. I was the ONLY one who this did not happen to because I was relinquished. So in this case she kept me from some severe emotional and physical trauma. But this is where the end of being a mother came into play at.

    I have been reunited with all of them for the last 5 years. None of whom have stepped up to the plate to be an active part in my life. For me she has not earned the right to be my mom. The woman who raised me is my mom. Despite the fact I do not get along with her, she has been there for me since day one. As I have always said, anyone can be a mother (biologically), but not everyone is cut out to be a mom.

    You are a mother. But I think what they are meaning is the fact that you bore a child but did not raise that child. You have not gone through that child's life with her so they do not put my credence because of the lack of experience. I hope that helps.

    Just curious though, have you searched for her or have any desire to want to search or be found? You can email me if you wish to talk more. =)

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  • 1 decade ago

    you will always be the birth mother, just not THE mother. You did not parent your child. that is the reality of the situation, and you need to deal with that before you move on.

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