What should I do about my bf. (got me pregnant)?
I'm scared because I am 15 and pregnant. I have planned everything out and my mom is willing to help me with everything. And there is no need to scold me because my mom has taken care of that along with my Christian School. So my baby is not what I'm asking about. It’s about the father. We have had a weird relationship and I know that I love him. Say all you want about kids not being able to fall in love, but I’m in love with him. I hated him when I first met him but he convinced me to go out on a date with him and we just cliqued. And he’s always been really protective of me and he’s the only person that I’m really comfortable with. And we both kind of had the same family backgrounds (I had an abusive dad, and he has an abusive step father). The only problem is he is a bad kid. He hasn’t been to school in about 4 weeks. He gets wasted. He runs away a lot (but I don’t blame him because I would run away with him when my dad was still living with us). He is addicted to some drug. He got arrested once. And before me, he’s f*cked a lot of girls. But his longest relationship (not counting us) was about 2 days. He’s been with me for about 8 months now. But he’s still a bad influence and I’m not sure if he should be in my baby’s life. When I told him I was pregnant he just kind of stood there shocked and said that he’s always gonna be there for me. But I’m not sure. I don’t know if I should trust him because I don’t want to end up like my mom. And my aunt had something like this happen to her (but she was 20) and married the father because she loved him and it turned out that he cheated on her. So I don’t know what to do. I’m very strong willed and kind of pro women I guess. And even though I am deeply in love with him, I don’t know if I should trust him if that makes sense. I’m just scared because I’ve only known bad men in my life and I don’t want me and my baby to have to go through anything more.
he's 16 btw
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Hmm, thanks for sharing your awesome story. I can feel everything you're going through. I've read your story carefully and the other answers. Here's my thoughts. Even if you only walk away with one of them helping you, that would make me so happy. First, my gut instincts go like this: you love him (that's for sure!); ur bf says he'll stand by you. I say at least give him a chance....for 2 reasons (maybe many more): 1. It's critical to your child; 2. some guys (no matter how messed up they are) just need something like this to "rock their world" and wake'em up. Sometimes the guy/girl even says (precisely because of their f'd-up past, "Not only can I do this but I'm gonna show the world I'm a real man! and I'm gonna show all you guys that I'm no loser". You'll be surprised how much this psychology plays in, ESP if they've been beaten down so many times in their young life AND they had an abusive dad. These guys especially want to show those who are dear to them "Look. I'm gonna be a really loving dad. I'm gonna show what it's like to be a great, loving dad." Sometimes they do it just to prove to themselves that they can make a difference and break the cycle (i'm not commenting on whether or not he can---no one here can say). Another point I'd like to share is that the history of young mistakes on the female side of your family is obviously self-perpetuating. I don't mean that as a "sentence" or judgement, but I mean, you're right, it's a pattern of learned behavior probably at some subconscious level. We look around us. We see what's "normal" or "acceptable" or "doable", and, while it may not be "intelligent" or "best for the kid" (or for you or him), you just step into it.
Now there's a flip side to this whole story and tha'ts this: It MAY not be the best thing to have ur bf become the dad (ultimately), because of 2 whoppers: his own personal history of demonstrated irresponsibility (examples you gave) combined with his family history (more learned behavior--important). A woman learns how to become a mom by watching her mom. You can try to "imagine" what that would be like if you didn't have a great one (i don't know about her), but it's really, really hard to do it that way. The same thing goes for guys: It's SO much easier (and therefore natural) when a guy's own dad was great, because he automatically knows "what to do" and, just as importantly, what NOT to do, in little situations. All this said, my point is I would STILL give him (being the biological father and the fact that he said he'd be there for you) a chance to "step up to the plate" (notice I don't say "and do the right thing" because...i can't read the future... because it may NOT be "the right thing" for him to be involved (but give him the chance to try). The key recipe would be: you BOTH really love each other; you're both dedicated (deep down) to this child (whether or not you decide to all raise the child together), etc. Some would say that it's NOT the right thing to expose your son to TWO underaged parents etc. There's also the idea of (just an option please) raising the child with your mom until both you and the child are much older and then either: a) finding a guy who loves you (and ur child too of course) and will be a great INFLUENCE (that's an important concept often lost on this entire culture) on the child; or b) allowing ur bf to move in, one-to-several years from now after he's proven that he can hold down a job, is ambitious, can be a loving, stable provider, and ....has had time to really think about "should I stay?" without feeling like he "has" to. Anyway, these are some (not that well-organized i'm afraid) thoughts that I genuinely hope will touch your heart and make a big difference in your life, the child's life, and his life. Remember, him doing the 'right thing' and sticking it out, is often "the worst thing" for everyone. As you may or may not know, these cycles you describe are common in (this may not be you) lower income and/or lower education-type families. What happens is early pregnancy ==> incomplete education ===> lower paying jobs ==> racing to survive ===> bad mom ===> same thing happens to her. I know this won't happen to you because you want to break this cycle. As you know, this cycle has to end. It begins with education (one or preferably both parents), getting a solid job, and learning new behaviors by associating yourself with people you can provide incredible examples. Good luck. I feel you'll do well if you can take some of these ideas and incorporate them into what can only ultimately be your decision. Sometimes love (esp 2 ways) can overcome all. It's impressive he's been with you 8 months relative to his past. There may be something there, but he's going to have to prove to you: a) he's responsible; b) he's turned his life around; c) he's no longer doing drugs; d) he'll finish school (and at least, jesus, finish high school---which i don't call "an education"--that' college); and e) love you always; and f) be dedicated to his child. It's tough, because even if his heart's in the right place, all he's been receiving is negatives (school says he's a loser; dad says he's a loser; EVEN if these are not true (they're not); but he's also hanging out with losers (drugs/whoever's supplying etc). So even if his heart's in the right place, he's gonna need to drastically change his immediate world (those people who surround him) and he's going to need positive, UPLIFTING, reinforcing influences (people who tell him (not just you) frequently, "Man, you're awesome!". That sense of feeling awesome will reverb throughout other aspects of his life and will translate to confidence in his role as a husband and a certainly as a dad. All the best for you.
- 1 decade ago
I really feel for you in your situation. I understand that you are in love with him and its also obvious that you are much more mature than he is. I wonder what your moms opinion is on this, because im sure what she has to say about it is probably very wise and you should listen to her. Im so glad that your mom is fully supportive, that is very important. i suggest you just let him dwell in the idea of you being pregnant. you cannot force him to be in you or your babys life, all you can hope for is that he will make the right decision. through out your pregnancy he will most likely change his mind a million times on whether he wants in or out. you need to mostly focus on your baby and you. Reguardless of whether he will be in your life or not, you need to realize that the most important thing is your baby. I have faith that you and your mother will raise it well. if he decides to leave you, im sure he will come back at a later time. just because your baby may not have a father figure doesnt mean you cant do it and it doesnt mean you wont have a completely happy and normal baby. good luck to you
- BoomerLv 61 decade ago
If the father is still doing drugs, make him get clean before he sees the baby. Use him as an example of what you DONT want your child to be like. This baby is going to be a part of you, raise him/her the right way, with the right people around, and in the right enviornment. Good luck
- 1 decade ago
Honestly, you sound like you have things together. Despite getting pregnant at a young age, its a blessing and if you see these things now with your babys father I doubt he is going to change. I was in the same position that you are in. Exact same. I allowed the father to see his baby and she got attached to him.....9 years later he is still the same and me who is graduating college in 3 weeks has recently decided that my child cannot continue to see her dad because of recent drug issues and now the only one hurt in this situation is my child. Always think about the child before you think about your feelings for him.
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- 1 decade ago
tell him that if he really loves you he would have to do what is best for you, the baby and himself. If he doesn't want to, tell him to forget about you and that you never want to be near him. I know it will hurt a lot but its what will need to be done.
because if he says yes, and later on he starts on drugs again it will be even more painful. You should watch the movie riding in cars with boys
- sofieLv 51 decade ago
well first of all you have to be prepared for the future make sure you can handle things on your own cause some guys say they will be there for the baby and once the baby is born they disappear......let him in the baby's life but make some rules for him tell him to stop doing all that bad stuff........hope everything goes well for you and your baby and of course your boyfriend
- Anonymous1 decade ago
let him be there but tell him that if he wants to be in the baby and your life that he needs to clean up his act no more running and away and no more drugs!
just say that and add the things you dont want around the baby in that
- 1 decade ago
every body deserves to have a father in there life and to learn from him.
wheather your baby learns what not to do in life. or how to be a lovng person.
your baby still needs some sort of infulence from him.
- 1 decade ago
We can not tell you what to do. You have to do what you feel is the right thing to do. Make sure you explain your decision to him. If you feel he shouldn't be in the baby's life explain why you chose that decision. Then if he really wants to be there for his baby he will try to turn himself around and do what is right for both of you and the baby.
- WhitneyLv 71 decade ago
80% of teen mothers don't stay with the father. So looks like you'll be in a majority.