I used to be just like you, i was the best Catholic there was, i never cursed, i always did good for others and myself. Then when i hit 7th grade, it all hit me at once. My family was slowly dying, my grandfather got murdered, and i thought god would save him, but he didn't, he died a terrible death. It made me think that everything i ever believed in was a fairy tale. If there truly was a god, there will be no suffering at all. Cause all the people who done wrong would of died long ago, and the good will live on. This doesn't make me a bad person, cause i still do good for others and myself. But i curse, i have sex, masturbate, party real hard with others. According to the bible, you can't do none of those. So that makes any person a hypocrite who follows into that. and i'm sure most of them do what i listed above, a true Christian will do none of those, so therefore i'am not worthy, and i admit that, most don't. That's another reason why i don't follow any religion cause i'll be a hypocrite, and i can't live like that. I rather do right, live for life's pleasures, gain knowledge and wisdom from all cultures, etc. I tried to restore my faith, but i failed, though i don't regret it, i never felt so free. Cause there is too much bad, and nothing is being done, i realized that you got to be constructive with life, not pray to someone hoping it will get better, it won't, you have to do it yourself, you got to take your passion and make it happen. If i tried to commit suicide, and i was alone, who is gonna save me? no one, but if it's someone that means the world to me, he or she might stop me from killing myself, cause of there emotions. If someone pulls a gun to my head, is god going to come down and stop the bullet from entering my head? nooooo, only way i could live though it, is if i took action when the time is right, you see what i mean.
Listen to your conscience, it doesn't make you a bad person. If i die, i won't go to heaven or hell, as i'am thorn between the light and dark. Then again, no one knows what will happen.