Jesus Christ- When masturbation and pre-marital sex gets old, or at least when you get married or you can't do them anymore.
Buddha- When being rich just ain't enough.
Mohammed- Come for the curry, stay for the virgins.
Mormons- Join us, or we will keep knocking on your door every morning until you die or the end of time. Whichever comes first.
Jehova's Witnesses- Never have to buy another present for anyone ever again, and ditto what the mormons said.
Rastafarians- What was the question again? Umm...puff puff pass. That's deep dude.
Pastafarianism- When not believing in God just isn't enough. You too can own bumper stickers and t-shirts that annoy every other religion there is.
Catholics- Confessions with happy endings.
Evangelicals- Love thy neighbor....unless of course your neighbor is gay or a liberal.
Jews- All the benefits as always. Now with the least amount of persecution we have ever seen.
Native American- We got peyote and spirit guides. Did I mention the peyote?
Deist- All the rationale of atheism, minus the stigma.
Agnostic- Who knows, and who cares? Really. I don't care.
Atheists- We are better than everyone else cause everyone else is dumb.
Humanism- Atheists without the hostility. We think everyone is important. Kumbaya my self kumbaya, oh my self, kumbaya.