Is this a good intro for my novel?

Pls tell me what you think. Thank you!

Money and all the other forms money came in are all Damien Risquette gave a darn about. You are with him, or you are against him. Classic. Whether he chose to attend school, or was forced his arrival to Kittner Preparatory was always the same. Via a black stretch-limousine. “Oh, now you‘re able to drive fast” Damien said as he stepped out of the limo. He walked to the trunk and grabbed his backpack. “Where is my damn blackberry“ Damien said, searching around where he sat. “Ahh, I found it.” He put the blackberry into his pocket and was about to shut the car door. Cheerfully Nick Pertiz, the limo driver said “I’m sure you’ll have a good day Mr. Risquette. Trust me.” “I trusted that you would drive me somewhere other than this hell-hole.” With that Damien slammed the door shut and walked up to the closed doors. Damien walked into his 9th grade philosophy class and walked to his seat unnoticed. Class had not even started, due to Ms. Jacar was immersed in her romance novel, wishing that she could be the tall, thin woman who got carried down to the sunset stained beach. With twenty-five minutes left in class she put the book down and hopped off the three dictionaries that projected her higher than the desk. She had the thin quality down. The height factor was something else. But she made up for height with her authority like persona. She slid the map covering the white, and revealed a quote. “There are those who are have money and those who are rich.”-Chloe Chanel. “I want everyone to write a 500 word essay detailing your own thoughts and views of the quote” Ms. Jacar said in her matter-of-factly tone. The student’s quickly expressed their protest. So Ms. Jacar clearly expressed her authority. “700 words, do I hear a 900” she said as she walked to her desk. That shut up the class. Except Damien. “This is so darn stupid, it’s no wonder I hate going to school” Damien said as he leaned further down in his chair. Ms. Jacar may not be able to see above her students heads while standing on the ground, but she knew that voice. The turning heads of the students to look at Damien who sits by himself in the corner by the window, is also another giveaway. “Excuse me Mr. Risquette would you please repeat what you said” she asked using her matter-of-factly tone again, mixed though with a your-screwed type tone. “I said this is so damn stupid to do” Damien replied giving his signature scoff and rolling of eyes. “Didcha want me to repeat myself again?” Someone snickered from the other side of the classroom.“ Well what is damn stupid the fact that you Mr. Risquette have not learned when to shut your mouth” Ms. Jacar said. “You know where to go now.” Damien knew. He had practiced where to go many times, which is to visit the vice principle Mr. Grants office. He threw his coat into his backpack. Ignoring the stares from his classmates. Ms. Jacar returned to her desk. “Everyone start

writing your essay or you can join Damien.” That turned off the stares at Damien.

Before exiting the classroom, he turned to Ms. Jacar and said pointing at the board “my input is that there are many kinds of riches, not just in money.” He opened the door and shut it slowly. Ms. Jacar looked up from her book once Damien had left and thought Damien is an example of that quote. He has plenty of money, but he is far from rich. She is not the only one who thinks that.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Great actually, keep on writing : )

  • 1 decade ago

    It could be. But it needs more life. Try and cut a lot of 'saids' and decriptions like 'matter-of-factly'. It slows the text down.

    Remember that the start of your book is an introduction more than anything else. You're breathing life into the main character and it is crucial that you make the connection asap. I'd try and keep words like 'darn' out of it because you want the language of your novel to be dateless and adding things like that to the text will need to be reserved and connected to the characters persona if used at all. If he's old - you use 'darn' as something he says. If he's young steer clear of it.

    I think I should warn you, third person is not kindly looked upon in publishing these days and if it is published it needs to be flawless. You're not there quite yet. Everything you've written is a great base - but can be made much shorter, and it should.

    For example, the first line 'Money and all the other forms money came in are all Damien Risquette gave a darn about'. Ideally you wouldn't include this kind of method. You would show in what he does and how he acts that money was all he cared about. But if you must. Add effect. 'Money. It was all Damien cared about. He woke up with the stock reports in the morning and fell asleep with velvet notes at night.' Okay, so I'm not Shakespeare. But you get the idea. It sets up the character. Brings the world to life. Think 3d.

    “Excuse me Mr. Risquette would you please repeat what you said” she asked using her matter-of-factly tone again, mixed though with a your-screwed type tone

    "Mr. Risquette, did you have something to say?" Damien knew by her tone and the wrinkled arch of her eyebrow he was screwed either way.

    If some places you're also mixing tenses so it can be confusing. A writing course might help. It helped me but it's not for everyone.

    Create the scene with your words. Set up your character with your imagery. It seems you haven't quite got his voice yet, there's the basis of snobbery but we're not quite 'feeling' it. The reader also needs to believe Damien thinks, wants or sees the need for change. Adding sympathy to the character. The reader doesn't need to like him, but they need to understand him. If the story is about finding other forms of wealth. He needs a reason, and it really should be in the first chapter so you can start the 'story' part of the book. I don't know what direction you're taking this in - but I kind of expected there to be some trace of other kids/students. You can't just push the story using teachers alone. Does he have friends? What do they think about him? Does he have enemies? How do they torture him? How does he respond? A girlfriend? Who's going to help him on his journey? What do they think of him at the beginning? What drives them to help? Like I said, think 3D.

    Sorry if this is too critical. You really do have a great base. It just needs polishing and development.

  • 1 decade ago

    You have to revised that intro my friend. You got some careless grammars, awkward sentences, punctuation going among the paragraphs. For example, the first sentence. HOW money and all other forms OF money came in WERE.. I think, there's something wrong with the pace of this story - for me I think it's a little bit too fast, but I think the overall story is good. However, it takes away the interest of a reader if it's not worded correctly. Maybe it's because of Yahoo, but the paragraphs are also another turnoff. You might want to describe a little bit of Ms. Jacar in the intro, and add more details. Hope you keep up the work.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    First, I would rewrite it. There are numerous grammatical flaws within the structuring. Also, you could do well to reword some of your sentences.

    I would also suggest the use of a thesaurus. For example, try not to constantly use the phrase "he said" (or "she said"). You could substitute that with such expressions as: He remarked, he replied, he retorted, he declared, etc.

    Any phrase said repetitively becomes awkward to the reader.

    Generally, I think this is a rather excellent concept.

    Here is an editing example:

    Originial:

    Before exiting the classroom, he turned to Ms. Jacar and said pointing at the board “my input is that there are many kinds of riches, not just in money.” He opened the door and shut it slowly. Ms. Jacar looked up from her book once Damien had left and thought Damien is an example of that quote. He has plenty of money, but he is far from rich. She is not the only one who thinks that.

    Edited:

    As he exited the classroom, he turned to Mrs Jacar and pointed at the board “My input is there are many kinds of riches, not just money.”

    He opened the door and shut it slowly behind him. Looking up from her book, Mrs. Jacar could not help but think how Damien was an example of that quote. He had plenty of money, but he was far from rich, and she knew she wasn't the only one who thought so.

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  • 1 decade ago

    That is an outstanding opening. Love everything about it!!! It gives a nice intro on Damien's attitude, personality etc.

    The book is doing really well. I really do love the opening!! Keep up the good work and write the rest of your story just as you did the opening, first, and second chapter. Don't get restless, that's my advice to you. I repeat, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

    -Freckles

  • 1 decade ago

    The Elements of Style by Strunk & White. Buy it; read it cover to cover as if it were a novel. Absorb the information and then come back to this piece and look at it with fresh more informed eye. Then write, write, write and read, read, read. Learn what catches your attention in a story. I disagree with the "said" comment above. "Said" is deemed nearly invisible and unobtrusive unless the statement needs emphasis of action or tone (i.e. "exclaimed" "declared" "whispered" "mumbled").

  • 1 decade ago

    Great beginning! Lots of swearing for my taste, but your central idea stayed clear. Also when you leave the room in your story the analysis on the quote was pure poetry if u get what I mean.

  • 1 decade ago

    Yes It's Very good.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    That's a good start. There are some grammar issues throughout. But it is good.

  • Tony
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    don't put your things on the Internet i could easily take it register it as my own and when you publish you novel i will sue you

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