What do you think about this?

This is my own writing my age group is from 10-14 years old, I ain't tellin' you my age. Just how good is it?

I stepped out of the car and faced my new boarding school: Lawrence Academy; I was very nervous, what was I supposed to do now? I’m going inside in the middle of the semester; they must have groups that aren’t just open to new people, what if I don’t make any friends whatsoever?

“Oh come on Sophie, you’re a smart girl. Don’t be nervous.” My older brother, Alex, said, he apparently saw the worried look on my face and wanted to cheer me up. Alex was six feet tall, had bluish-gray eyes, and red hair. He was sixteen years old and he was new to this school too, so was I the only one who was nervous?

My full name is Sophie A. Lincoln; I have bluish-black eyes and black hair. I am five feet and two inches tall. I’m usually great with small talk, but I usually overreact to things a little too much.

Me and Alex hugged our dad and said goodbyes. I looked at my dad’s fancy car as it zoomed into the horizon. I guess I was glum without realizing it, because my brother tried to cheer me up several times. When we reached the campus, a nice looking lady led us to our dorm rooms, Alex seemed to be happy and his roommates seemed to like him; I wasn’t worried about him. Alex could blend in with anybody. I was nearly half-suffocated when they led me to my room.

“Well, Sophie, this is your room, room 103.”

My new roommates looked at me coolly; one was blond and had green eyes and the other had black hair and brown eyes. Both were about the same height as me. I guess I didn’t look as nervous as I really was, because I was real nervous. I looked at them blankly and said, “Hey.”

“Hello,” the blond said. “My name is Amanda.”

The black-haired one was busy, but she turned to me and said, “Hello Sophie, nice to meet you.”

I finally cut being scared. I guess I realized that it wasn’t a big deal. “Nice to meet you too.”

Amanda turned to me and said, “That’s Samantha, but she likes to be called Sam, you might watch your step because she’s an inventor and-” The contraption Sam was working on exploded.

“That- that happens, usually the explosion is bigger but there is no need to be afraid, you learn to live with it.”

I nodded. Living here wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

Update:

No, Zoey 101 has a different storyline. So it's not, it's a whole novel, no a 30-min episode.

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Ever heard the phrase 'show, don't tell'?

    Don't tell us you were nervous; show us your sweaty palms and trembling knees.

    Don't tell us you're great at small-talk but you overreact - show us in conversation, so we can figure it out and believe it for ourselves.

    And don't stop the action to list the eye- and hair-colours and heights of your new acquaintances. Does it really matter how tall they are? Slip the details in subtly instead of giving us a list of facts:

    One of the girls was busy at a desk, thick black bangs hiding her face. The other looked at me coolly, with bright green eyes like a cat's. I looked back.

    "Hey."

    "Hello," she said, pushing back her blond hair with a smile. "My name's Amanda."

    Also what I said before. I see no point in repeating myself if you're just going to delete my good advice : P

  • 1 decade ago

    The grammar and diction are trite and somewhat juvenile. I also feel like there are many sentences that are just too long and need to be condensed or removed. The story almost sounds like the beginning of Zoey 101, and that's not something I would want to be associated with.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It kinda reminds me of a book i've read,"Shakespeare Secret." Its about a girl coming to a new school and her sister fits in with anybody. I also agree with gip, it kinda reminds me of Zoey 101, only a little bit. But besides that, your awesome.

    P.S I'm only 10-14 too. :]

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