Happy St. Pats #1 jokes, any good?

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home... show more Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink.

He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"


Letter to her son in New York
'Dear Paddy,

Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under him. He's a gardener at the local cemetery.
Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out and a new cooker put in.
I was going to send you a turkey but it got better.
I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I'd have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket.
We've had a threatening letter from the undertaker. Unless we pay the outstanding money for your grandma's funeral by Wednesday - up she comes.
I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I'd already sealed the envelope.
A team of council workers were drilling nearby and accidentally cut through the drains to the house. Since then there's been a terrible smell from your loving mother, Nancy.'


WHAT IS AN IRISHMAN
An Irishman is a man who?
May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
Won't eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....
Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies...
Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.....
Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle....
Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman....
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood...
Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so
inconvenient for his neighbors....
Scorns money,
but worships those who have it...
Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor...
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