Lv 5
? asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 decade ago

What if Your Father Passed away and your Step-mother waited a month to tell you?

I had fell out of a relationship with my Dad, who was an alcholic. We had not talked in two years after an episode where I felt he disrespected my husband. He had called and asked one evening why I had not called in a few weeks. My husband explained that my Mother and I were at Swedish Medical Center in Seattle because she was diagnosised with cancer. Also a week after my Moms dianosis my husbands Father was diagnosised with Terminal Leakimia. Beteen running around to Dr. and hospitals we had not a chance to catch our breathe. To which my drunken father started swearing in the phone at him.

He was a heavy smoker and drank around my children, my daughter never has liked my Father saying he smelled.

My step-mom called me on a favorite holiday early in the morning to tell me my father had passed away. I asked her when and it was on my birthday which was over a month and a half before.

I finally believe it now 3 months later with a death certificate in hand.


Emator- I am not guilty of anything but not talking to the man. I just can't see the reasoning behind waiting.

Update 2:

She said the reason she didn't call me was she didn't think I would care. He also died of 1st cause- Lung Cancer, 2nd cause- a nose bleed. So they both new for she sai 5 months he was dying. They also never contacted my sister, his sister, or his Great Aunt, whom all cared about him. I was the first person she called on his side of the family.

13 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'm sorry to hear you have been through such hard times. It sounds like there isn't a reason for you to have any contact with your stepmother anymore. She probably endured a lot of abuse from your father, but it just doesn't explain how anyone could not take the responsibility to not contact the next of kin when he died. Unless she makes the effort to come to you with a really good reason (which I can't imagine) and tries to make ammends, I think any relationship you had with her is a write off. That would probably be best for your peace of mind.

    As for your father, in a way you lost him before he died, because of all his problems. In spite of that, you can still pray for his soul.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well I can somewhat relate , I'm 16 and haven't seen my father since I was 6 or 7 years old and I still remember him like it was last year.Anyways Last year my mother emailed me and told me that my father had died.... a whole year before she emailed.And it wasn't even because she felt I had to know , it was so she could have me find out where exactly he had died so she could money from his death(he was a veteran) .And thats not even it yet , imagine being 15 years old and having to tell all five older siblings that the dad they grew up with is dead and had a completly new family. I've always thought of tracking down my father since I lost contact with him but really what was I going to say to him when I found him? "Hi I'm the little girl you abandoned 9 years ago , wanna catch up?" ....Sometimes I think it'd be better if my mother never told me at all because now I can't even work up the need to grieve for him.

  • marian
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    No one understands how a grieving mother or father feels when a child is lost. I lost a child and I was 4 months pregnant. Maybe she felt embarassed. I mean, one minute you are pregnant or you have had the baby and it passed a way and then the next your are not pregnant or you have no baby. Not everyone reads the paper. I know that when I lost our son, some people didn't know and my supervisor had announced it at work, my first day back someone came up and touched my stomach and was like, "how's the little fella." Losing a child is very hard, your children are not supposed to beat you to heaven.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well Shannon..all has been said and done on your step-mothers behalf..right? May her own God forgive her and hopefully you can too. simmering with anger and hurt will do nothing positive for you...letting go and forgiving her in life and him in death WILL free you ...period!! Johnny Cash wrote a song prior to his death that I believe says it all...tis called' When the Man Comes Around' And an excellent phrase in it "let the unjust be unjust still" Message within..don't fall into nor follow the paths of ugliness and deceit, maybe go to youtube and listen to it..tis really awesome and healing...been there my friend, and I had no part in the dirty deeds...it sounds like you're a loving and giving person..just continue down your path of being the best YOU can be..grieve if you need to..and let go!! Huggers to you...

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    So your father passed away on your birthday? Wow, that is awful. I can see why she didnt call you on your birthday, but she should've done it like the day after at least. Even if you were on bad terms with him, you still might have wanted to go to his funeral right? Don't feel guilty about any of this. I can tell you may have some unresolved issues, but it might be best to let them go and get over them. He chose to be how he was, not you. I think it is still f'd up that she waited so long to contact you though...have you called her up and asked her why?

  • 1 decade ago

    First, thank your mother in law for taking time to inform you.

    Second, let go of bitterness that is somewhat destroying you.

    I can see, you explain your situation well. This only shows you are guilty. Forgive yourself, forgive everybody that did hurt you, one way or another. You cannot help, father already passed away, move on with your life.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    OMG--That is rediculous. First of all I feel bad for you and hope things start to get better with you and your family. Second of all, I don't like your Step-Mom.Period. Whether or not you two were seeing eye to eye at the time, doesn't leave any grounds for your Step Mother to do such a thing. I think you need to let her hear it. Honestly, she should feel like scum for not telling you. I feel karma always takes its course, so sit tight....

  • 1 decade ago

    Sorry to hear about your fathers passing. Just know, my step mother never excepting me. Although she knew about me years before they were ever married. I just ignore ignorance and move on. The best thing I can tell you is you don't have to deal with her anymore and she should have told you as soon as she new your father passed away. She should be ashamed of herself. Just pray for her and forgive her for what she's done to you and move on.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I can definitely understand how you feel.

    Id be like what the hell you waited til now to tell me!

    You cant be mad at her, either she was trying to protect your feelings, or she was too confused herself to act on the right decision; which obviously would be to tell you right after she found out.

    I dont knowhow to help you further,

    feel better though :)

  • 1 decade ago

    you need to confront her and tell her what she did was wrong and u demand an appologie no matter what problem u and ur father had she should have called u when he was sick or when the incedent had accoured sorry for ur lost hope all goes well

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.