How long a break should someone wait to date again after divorce?

I am 39 and in the process of a divorce. My 18 years of marriage (22 years together) is over. My husband left me for another woman so he had time before he left to get over me. I was sucker punched so I am still dealing with the break up and the idea that he has moved on. Six months after he left, I still am in so much pain but I am also very lonely. I have gone out a few times with men that were to good to pass up (a 24 year old cop, fireman, doctor, judge) but nothing has panned out. Some of them wanted too much, another no chemistry on my end. Also, I refuse to online date. I don't expect to find love with another person so soon but I hate the feeling that I am alone. I can't deal anymore. What should I do?

Update:

I have been exercising 1-1.5 hours a day and going to counseling once every other week. Also, I joined a bible study and attend church services twice a week. I feel as though I am doing everything "right" but still the pain is very present.

13 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    After my divorce I was ready to start, but I wasn't blind sided like you either. Many people I know that have been through the same situation all take a different amount time. You will know when you and your heart are ready.

    I would find a group to hang out with! Heck...start your own divorce group. But an ad in the paper and say that you are all meeting at ---whatever resteraunt--- and that anyone that is divorced is welcome to come and chat. No strings attached. Just for some fun!

    It does take some time to heal. If you don't feel like dating, don't. When you are ready, go for it!

    My heart goes out to you!

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  • 4 years ago

    1

    Source(s): My Ex Back Secret - http://ExBack.oruty.com/?hKEv
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  • 1 decade ago

    One size does not fit all. The dates probably didn't pan out because you weren't ready. You're not really alone, but it feels that way after being in a relationship that long. Usually the degree of pain is in direct relationship to how deeply you felt for your ex. Just keep busy, keep up with meetings and the pain will ebb over time. It might help to find a good self-esteem book and do some of the exercises. Those who are more co-dependent take longer to heal than controllers. If you jump into another relationship when you are still healing, it may not work out well.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Sorry to hear about your situation. A divorce is never an easy thing to deal with.

    I guess I'd ask you to consider going to counseling or therapy. Most marriages that end in divorce leave a lot of unpleasant feelings and unresolved issues; and a trained professional can help you to deal with them.

    After you have spent some time in therapy and feel better about yourself, you will know when you are ready to go out and look for someone special.( I also agree with you that internet/online dating is not a good idea.)

    Focus on yourself now, and don't let this feeling of loneliness make you settle, or make you get into another unhealthy relationship. Time has a way of helping us see things in a different light. Good luck to you.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    People vary on how long it takes to start dating "productively" without damaging themselves or giving false signals to others. On one end of the scale there is the guy who was faithful for ten years, got dumped by the wife and was on Match dot com that weekend. The dating was more to get reacqainted with the opposite sex than to get a girlfriend, and rebound happened almost immediately. On the other end of the scale you have the woman who waited ten years. The sweet spot is in the middle.

    If you have dated a cop, fireman, doctor and judge, you can find someone you will be compatible with. I would counsel you to try online dating. I know five married (happily married) couples who have met on Match. It forces you to assess who you are as a person and what your life goals and relationship goals are. And to think about who you are seeking. That alone primes you for a good date. Try it.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Just take your time. Don't even look for someone else until you are really ready. Instead try to work on rediscovering yourself. Maybe there's some job you always wanted to get that you might need to go to school for. Maybe you wanted to do volunteer work or start a hobby. Until now your life was your marriage. It was a good idea once but now its over. Now you need to find a new course. To do that you need to relearn what you are about.

    At least Wait until you are officially divorced. That should help bring some closure and help you really get used to the fact that you are single. One step at a time with for thought.

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  • 1 decade ago

    have you looked at meetup.com - not a dating site!!!

    it's a site where people with similar interests meet for activities like biking, dining, walking, foreign language, etc. It's a great way to meet people who aren't looking to hook up.

    Professional counselling may help you talk about your feelings - you must be so hurt. Did you lose friends in the divorce - sometimes friends choose sides and you lose them also. Try keeping a journal - sometimes just writing down your feelings gets them out of your system. Maybe taking yoga or something physical to release stress.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Find comfort in your friends. Fill your time up with stuff you enjoy doing. Try different sports out. You have a lot of built up pain and stress and need a healthy way to get it out. Dating is good, but you don't need a serious relationship, just a close friend to comfort you and keep you warm on lonely nights.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Legally speaking you shouldnt see anyone until the divorce is complete.. and you have the decree in your hand.

    Emotionaly speaking, its how ever long you need till you dont find yourself talking about your ex-husband in a date for longer than...a simple explanation of what happened.

    Sounds like you need more time.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You can date quickly, but give yourself time to heal. Otherwise you are in danger of getting attached to another jerk on the rebound unless you choose to only date casually and not look for another relationship right now.

    Source(s): experience
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