What do you think? (first page of story i'm writing, constructive critism pls.)?
My name is Magnolia Anne Hayes. I know, could you possibly get a weirder name? Yes, actually. That would be my nickname.
In all of Beverly Shores, Indiana, my name is by far the weirdest. Which isn’t saying much. My town is ridiculously small, with the minuscule population of about seven hundred and thirty-seven people. I live at 5436 W. Ripplewater Ave. in a white farmhouse with a red roof. I live within Pine Township inside Porter County.
I live near Lake Michigan, which is good because I love the water. I love to swim in it, boat on it, look at it, anything. It’s something I inherited from my mom. Since our town is near Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore and Indiana Dunes State Park, I go a lot and I love to see the wildlife. I’ve seen everything from white tailed deer, red foxes, raccoons, oppossums, cottontail rabbits, Canadian geese, ring billed gulls, red and gray squirrels, red tailed hawks (I had a kick in the fourth grade for the book series Animorphs, and I always thought
that the red-tailed hawks I saw were Tobias, one of the main characters of the series), turkey vultures, many songbirds, many small rodents, garter snakes, mallards, and blue herons. It’s also cool because when I was reseaching our town for a project, I found out there are over ninety species of threatened or endangered plants in the reserve.
It’s such a fun place to go, with the beaches, sand dunes, forests, bogs, and rivers the area contains. I ususally go every weekend when the weather’s nice and I can sucker my dad or my friends into to take me (I’m only fifteen!). I also bike there a lot.
I’m an…original, in my town.
And I’m the only teen in my absurdly small town to go by the name of Mango.
From the very first day of kindergarten at Pine Elementary School, I’ve been known by this name, Mango. When my teacher, Miss Bluestone, first introduced me to the class, most of my peers kind of stared blankly at the teacher. Then they shrugged it off and started doing what kindergartens do, goofing off, painting, and playing games.
When I would play with them, they would call me Migo-ee-A, until this girl, named Gabby Turner, got tired of this and decided to call me Mango.
It caught on.
Now, nine years later, I’m still stuck with it.
“Mango!” called my dad from downstairs. “It’s time to get up!”
I slowly sat up in my antique wooden twin bed and yawned. I unwilling pushed back my toasty blue covers and stepped onto the carpet. I quickly put on my fuzzy navy blue slippers and shuffled into my bright and cheerful bathroom.
Ugh. I was not a fan of bright and cheerful in the mornings. I stood in front of my mirror, combing out my unruly reddish hair. My emerald-green eyes were slightly puffy-looking, and also half-closed.
This is how I had looked for the past two weeks. Maybe because of the fact I hadn’t got good sleep in two weeks.
Part of the reason I couldn’t sleep was the fact my birthday was coming up in a month. Also, I was going back to school today. Third, I’d been having dreams.
Keep in mind, THIS IS AN UNEDITED MANUSCRIPT. IT'S NOT PERFECT.
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
i like it, however, maybe you don't want to just write out the name, where i'm from, but be able to tell it in some other way, like meating a new friend, and that way divulging where you are from and such, but otherwise, good luck
- Anonymous1 decade ago
That's really good i dont have anything bad to say about it except you kind of make a reeallyy long list of animals and then once i had gotten through those i forgot what you were talking about
- Kim HLv 41 decade ago
Wow , thats really good
Keep it up!
but maybe you don't have to give the address of where she lives unless its really important to the story , its a little too much detail
- ~♥Black Rose♥~Lv 51 decade ago
its pretty good. hope fully it can become bestseller one day!