Are you ready for St. Patricks day?

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely ****faced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3 p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:

1 quart spring water

1 bottle aspirin

5 pairs Depends undergarment

1 bottle Percocet

1 gram morphine sulphate

1 oz. human adrenaline extract

1 precharged electric defibrillator

4 Cardiac needles

1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot "friends" willing to take that risk on your behalf.

17 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Dublin over with laughter!!! SO true Jake! (And thank you for your serious reminder about drinking and driving, by the way.) But all that misery afterward?!! That's why I don't partake in the drinking anymore, but you bet your corned beef and cabbage that I can still party my lilly white @ss off celebrating my favorite holiday, ( no stress, gifts to pick out, loathsome family get-togethers, tedious meals to prepare, decorating the house, sending cards & receiving cards with those pesky generic letters about how brilliant little Sean and Katie are and how life is so perfect for someone you only hear from once a year.) And I can still remember it the next day. Boy, do I have some ammunition!

    I never miss the St. Patty's Day parade with my two gay buddies Patrick Fitzmichael & Michael Fitzpatrick, along with my brother's two kids, Denise and Denephew. The parade is 5 miles long with an IQ of 10, and my Dentist ~ Doctor Phil McCavity, is always the appointed Leprachaun who starts the parade in his Notre Dame helmet- shaped float with the steering wheel down the front of his green tights. ( I asked him once why that was, and he just said "It drives me nuts!") So tura lura Danny Boy, and ERIN GO BRAGH!

  • 3 years ago

    1

    Source(s): Change Your Life http://renditl.info/LawofAttractionGuide
  • cats
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Funny! 100!

  • 1 decade ago

    I am a wee bit irish and I find this so bloody funny LOL LOL. Top of the morinin to Ya.

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  • Jamon
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    St. patricks day is like Mardi Gra Where I work.

  • 1 decade ago

    Now I know why they say wear green, Because, after all this drinking, By George you are green LOL.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i have some Irish in me. i will use that excuse to drink although i really dont need a reason!!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It'll be a great day for Puddy. Hick-up!

  • 1 decade ago

    I love green beer! Do they dye the river in Chicago?

    LOL!!

    -Mel

  • 1 decade ago

    sure

    bring on the irish pub and kegs

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