This is very important to me!I'm writing a poem&I want someone to criticize it.Tell if like it&how improve.Thx

Walking on the grass at dawn

I could smell the wonderful

aroma of fresh dew

My bare feet tickled

and the sweet-smelling flowers

made my day

Listening closely

I could hear the birds chirping

the enchanting music they sang

The warm rays of sunshine

made a fascinating sight

and I was disappointed to leave it

I walked sadly inside

but smiled as I slowly

drifted back to sleep

The soft pitter-patter

of the rain's teardrops on my window

a refrshing shower to many

Each distinct drop

forms swirls of waves and foam

on the riverside

When it stops

our feet squish on the

wonderful refreshing dew

The flowers have never smelled sweeter

The birds never sounded more enchanting

The Sun never shone brighter

The rainbow glittered

in the open blue sky

revealing the colors

each more entrancing than the other

Staring at the fascinating sight

I have never felt more peacful

I feel alone in the world

with all troubles suddenly washed away

I smile as I slowly return to realit

Update:

thank you so much for the criticism...and don't be sorry

Update 2:

i'm in 6th grade and this is for a poetry contest...

Update 3:

thank you very much kissaled! you didn't change much, though..only typos

Update 4:

haha xnxogh...as for the rest of you - thank you....

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Walking on the grass at dawn

    I could smell the wonderful

    aroma of fresh dew

    My bare feet tickled

    and the sweet-smelling flowers

    made my day

    Listening closely

    I could hear the birds chirping

    the enchanting music they sang

    The warm rays of sunshine

    made a fascinating sight

    and I was disappointed to leave it

    I walked sadly inside

    but smiled as I slowly

    drifted back to sleep

    The soft pitter-patter

    of the rain's teardrops on my window

    a refreshing shower to many

    Each distinct drop

    forms swirls of waves and foam

    on the riverside

    When it stops

    our feet squish on the

    wonderful refreshing dew

    The flowers have never smelled sweeter

    The birds never sounded more enchanting

    The Sun never shone brighter

    The rainbow glittered

    in the open blue sky

    revealing the colours

    each more entrancing than the other

    Staring at the fascinating sight

    I have never felt more peaceful

    I feel alone in the world

    with all troubles suddenly washed away

    I smile as I slowly return to reality

    Just a few minor changes here, I would watch the long sentencing and the fractures way your popint delude form the main point, the reader finds themselves drawn in too many directions at the same time, which in turn makes it hard to finish, also try using more concise wording and watch your imagery, well done, good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't want to sound mean but what

    are you trying to communicate? if it's about how you love nature try to make your words have impact and depth, but shorten it. Never a good thing to stretch out a poem.

    ;) sorry i hate to criticize...

  • 1 decade ago

    I'm sorry but I found it very dull...maybe it was the way you arranged it I'm not sure but I found when I was reading it that I became bored quickly...I feel terrible for being honest but you wanted some criticism.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I got to the third line, and then I started typing this message to congratulate you for not making an emo-poem.

    First three lines were good.

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  • 1 decade ago

    just you have started to write poem. thatwhy u r loving nature. good. keep it up. u can improve it urself. best of luck.

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