Very strong pain... help me...?

my whole life i have had a mom with mental problems, depression and a thyriod condision. my dads a pot head, alchaholic also with depression. who's house doesnt even have a working toilet... it is beyond extrodinarily trashed. all my childhood, my mom hit me atleast once a day for 5 years... i was constantly... show more my whole life i have had a mom with mental problems, depression and a thyriod condision. my dads a pot head, alchaholic also with depression. who's house doesnt even have a working toilet... it is beyond extrodinarily trashed.
all my childhood, my mom hit me atleast once a day for 5 years... i was constantly being called fat, weird, stupid, rejected. etc by the kids at school... i never had solid friends and therefor was always being kicked between different people and groups...
now im in yr 9 and last year i was abused mentally and physically by my ex gf (yes im bi), diagnosed with depression and i started cutting, aftr a month it got "too much" for my friends and they abandoned me (this was a new lot btw)
i have been to over 5 different councilers in 3 years, sent to hospital twice last year and reffered to 3 different mental hospitals.

i went to my dads this weekend anf there was a circus there... once there i found a few friends (one whos 22 and the other is 19) the 22 year old (lets call her Nia) she had really bad teenage years aswell so me and her are really close and me and the other girl are fairly good friends aswell...
Nia is the only friend i feel i can trust...

my dads in a fairly small town (Karridale) so the circus wasnt too busy and me Nia and the other freind had several drinks and Nia didnt leave my side the whole night... she let me drink alchahole cause she couls remember what it was like... she is so awesome.

anyway, i was so scared to go back home with my dad caus he didnt know i was getting drunk, i did anyway... i said i had one drink when he asked (even though i had about 4... really strong ones)

but thats getting off track...

what im saying is... i wake up in the morning and i think "WTF?! WHY am i getting up?! WHY do i bother to eat, WHY do i bother to do anything..." i cant describe it but... i feel numb... i feel dead... i cannot see any reason for ANYTHING anymore...


is there anyone else who feels like this... what can i do??
i cant even think anymore, like i cant daydream caus no pictures, no sounds, not even a slite color will come into my mind... its pitch black and has been for months now...
im so confused... v_v
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