HEY YOU! READ THIS! Its the first chapter of my book...do you like it?

Location: New York, New York Time: 11:14 PM Temperature: 88° Weather: Clear

“Mr. McAlister…Mr. McAlister, please wake up.” A man said calmly.

McAlister opened his eyes to a horrific scene. He looked down and saw that he was strapped down to a chair and had wires running from his body to all different kinds of strange monitors and devices.

“Wha…where am I?” He asked.

“Mr. McAlister, please stay calm. You are currently in a place called Hawk Headquarters. You have been brought here for interrogation.” The man said as he slowly put on a pair of blue latex gloves.

“Interrogation? What do you people think I did!” He shouted.

“Now, now Mr. McAlister I think we both know what it is you did so let’s cut the act.” The man said as he pulled up a chair next to McAlister and sat down.

“Get me out of here!” He screamed as he began to shake the chair. “You have no evidence! I did nothing! Please stop!”

“Now Mr. McAlister, what did I tell you about staying calm? Please stop that or I will have to-”

“What? What are you going to do! You can’t touch me or I’ll send all of you bastards straight to jail!”

McAlister’s vision began to clear and it revealed that his interrogator was a white male who was in his late 30s. The man was dressed quite nicely in a tie and a long sleeve dress ****.

“Ok Mr. McAlister, we can play that way.” The man said smiling. He reached for the metal table that was next to his chair and took a folder off of it.

“Alex Laurence McAlister…3 accounts of armed robbery, 4 accounts of online theft, 2 accounts of grand theft auto, 1 account of attempted murder…shall I go on?” The man said happily smiling.

“What…no those records are fake! The government said…”

“The government said they would erase your record if you did them a favor…am I correct Mr. McAlister?”

“…How the hell do you know that?” Alex asked.

“We know people Mr. McAlister. Now let’s talk about-”

“Wait…Who are you people, Government or thieves or…or… terrorists?” He asked shaking in anger.

“Well Mr. McAlister my name is Lance Freeman and I am an Interrogator for Dark Hawk. Who are we? Government you ask…no no Mr. McAlister we are not the Government, Thieves nor terrorists…you can call us…middlemen.”

“What the hell…I’m not telling you anything so let me go.” Alex said as he began to shake in his chair again.

“Now, now Mr. McAlister I highly recommend that you stop doing that. You see Mr. McAlister you have been strapped down with unbreakable metal handcuffs, and even if you were to break from your chair these walls are lined with three feet of pure steel. Also I recommend that you do tell me everything you know because if you don’t…well do you see that man in the window there?”

Alex looked into the widow and saw three men, two sitting, one standing and staring directly at Alex. The man was a large African American with noticeably large muscles. The man had a rather large scar that ran down his face, streaking right through his large blue eye.

“See that man there Mr. McAlister? His name is Hugo Xavier. If you don’t tell me everything you know, then he will come in here and…chat with you. And trust me Mr. McAlister Hugo is not a big talker. Let’s just say he has a more…unconventional method of retrieving information. And you think you’re uncomfortable right now Mr. McAlister? Can you imagine how if would feel to be locked to this chair and feel as though there were thousands of knives piercing every inch of your skin? Well, that’s Hugo’s way of doing things.” Lance said peacefully.

“Dear God…” Alex mumbled as he began to shake again

“Why…why…why do you have those gloves on?” Alex said, his voice shaking.

“Well now Mr. McAlister I didn’t finish reading your file.” Lance said reopening the file, “Let me read you the last thing written here. It says Alex McAlister died on the night of August 16th. He was shot in an alleyway by a local gang. It is believed that Alex was shot in an attempt to gain control of the area previously controlled by another local gang. It is also believed that Mr. McAlister was a part of one of these gangs as his corpse help a pistol in his hand where he was found.”

“What the…but…!”

“Yes Mr. McAlister this is the end of your file…and your life. You now have the choice to make this file become a reality or not. These gloves Mr. McAlister, are to hold the weapon that you used.” Lance said as he grabbed a gun from the metal table and held it out towards Alex. “Now if you will please stick your hand out.”

“No way in hell!” Alex shouted.

“Fine,” Lance said calmly as he pressed a button on the wall, “Hugo will you please come in here… Mr. McAlister prefers the hard way.”

“Wait, wait…please…ok… I’ll do it!” Alex said as he gripped the gun.

“Good…now we’ve made progress Mr. McAlister.” Lance said as he placed the gun in a zip lock bag.

“Now if you agree to tell us what we need to know then we will simply discard the gun along with your file and allow you to live freely. And if you don’t agree…well I think you get the picture.”

“Dear God…who are you people!”

“I told you Mr. McAlister…we are Dark Hawk…the middlemen…”

“Fine…I’ll tell you whatever you want.” Alex said as he grinded his teeth as looked down in guilt.

“Good…let’s start with the attack on May 5th. Tell me why you decided to betray the government deal and began shooting at them.”

Chapter 2


***Sorry about the spacing, its copy and pasted from my word doc so it didn't paragraph it out.... oh and I know the grammar sucks so just read for the content, grammar can be fixed.

13 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I've read better

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  • 1 decade ago

    yes definitely needs more description. How about--As Mr. McAlister first wakes up groggy and confused he can see and feel the wires tangled and cold across his body. As his eyes look past the mess of color he can feel the hard metal restraining his wrist from moving. It reminds him the time he was first arrested as a young man. The feeling of cold metal crushing down on your wrist making you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. He barely understands what's going on, but like all first times you never forget, he knows he's trapped.

    Ok, so this is an example. But you can see it has a little more feeling to it. Substance, I think, is the word. It helps to develop the character and scene. See the biggest problem with your entry is I have no idea what part of the book this chapter comes from. If it's the first chapter, I like how the action starts up right away, but you'll really need to develop McAlister quickly. If it's further along, which I think it is, and you've already developed McAlister then the long conversation works, but you still need to describe the scene, and ALWAYS McAlsiter's emotions and feelings.

    I know if that we're me sitting in that chair I'd be freaking out, but that's me and I think McAlister's demeanor is little calmer. Good Luck, I think this book genre has been written a trillion times so you need to stand out with your character. Remember this, same scene different character. WWMD--what would McAlister do!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Here are some words that come to mind: trite, boring. It contains cliche phrases like "horific scene," "a man said calmly," "said peacefully," etc. Read a good book. Read something by DeLillo or Roth. This is trash.

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  • 1 decade ago

    okay... yes forced together, i like the calm dialougue but there is no description of how they are saying or moving ect, so its a bit wooden lol. you could try more of a slow and descriptive feel, to kinda put the reader on edge, make them want to read on, you know shroud it with mystery, prehaps don't reveal everything like that ect ect ect

    but looks like you've got one hell of a story line coming along there ;D

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hi, I would profile it on Worthyofpublishing.com just like what you are doing here. You never know, if it proves to be popular out there in the market, you might attract a publisher. Good luck.

    Source(s): www.worthyofpublishing.com
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  • 1 decade ago

    I think the chapter was interesting. Though it does need some adjustments.

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  • 4 years ago

    ye dracula rapes the sister with blood for lubercation

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  • 1 decade ago

    um... it seems to be a little cramed and complicated, but im sure people who are interested in that kind of action-ish genre would like it.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    spread it out, seems like it was forced to go together. needs space.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think it's mighty good :-) Thumbs up

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  • 1 decade ago

    A little confusing...

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