You reason, their reason?

A lot of adoptees are lucky enough to get the chance to get to meet or at least speak with their birth parents. Most people have some sort of idea of why their birth parents gave them up.

My question is, what were your thoughts on why you were given up and how much different were they from the reason your birth parent gave you?

19 Answers

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  • Sunny
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I was never given a 'reason' by my aparents. I was told she was "one of the youngest girls to ever come through" the agency.

    This created for me a fantasy of a girl whom something VERY bad had happen to...was she raped? What kind of a girl gets pregnant at what, 12, 13? My child's mind just couldn't fathom what had happened to create this situation where I had to be adopted. I often wonder if this 'story' influenced my amother as well. Even though I was a very 'good' girl, I was always treated like a whore. Never trusted around boys. My amother even tracked my menstrual cycles--to make sure I wasn't knocked up like my tramp of a mother?

    I met my nmother at 22. She was living in a house a five minute walk from the Pacific. She had never really worked. My DH called her a 'trustifarian'. She gets money from her very wealthy family. She was 22 when she had me. She had met my father at their parent's yacht club. The big 'problem' is that he wasn't 'ready' to marry her. And her mother pushed for me to me given away--NO ONE kept a baby out of wedlock in the early 1960s!

    So, yes, my 'thoughts' (lies supplied by the Lutheran adoption agency) were quite different from the reality. Maybe, just maybe, had my parents been told the truth (!) I wouldn't have paid for my mother's 'sin', and had a shred of self-esteem as a child.

    Secrets and lies are NEVER healthy!

    Source(s): Adult adoptee and family preservationist
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  • 1 decade ago

    I was adopted at 5 days old. I met my birth mother when I was 42. The reason for my being adopted was that my mother was still in school. The school counselor and my birth grandmother thought that the best thing to do was to send her away to a home for unwed mothers. That is pretty much what I heard all through growing up. Things are a bit different now and it's not so much taboo about being a single parent.

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  • 1 decade ago

    My parents told me the whole story of both of my adoptions. They didn't leave anything out. As I got older they answered any questions I had. They also never ran down my bio's. They were very honest so I didn't have unanswered questions. They told me at a very early age in a way that I could understand. I never doubted what they told me. I met and had a relationship with my grandma an grandpa. They were great people. They also told me what had happened and it was the same as my parents had said only with more detail about what my bio's life was like. So I guess I was lucky to have parents that were open and honest and didn't try to hide the truth. They were both very supportive to me if I ever wanted to look for my bio's, which I haven't.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I was actually given two stories, one as a child and one when I received my non-identifying information at the age of 25. My adoptive parents told me that I had been removed by the state because of abuse. I believed this for a long time.

    At 25, when I received the write up from the social worker, she said she didn't understand why my aparents thought this, since it wasn't true. She said that my natural parents came to social services on their own when I was a little over a year because circumstances in their lives had become such that they felt they couldn't provide properly for me. I asked my amom why she told me I was abused. She said that's what the agency told them. I know she wouldn't lie, so I realized my aparents were given incorrect information, probably to get prospective aparents to feel sorry for me. I was 2 years old, and not being an infant made it harder to place me.

    When I reunited with my ndad (my nmom had already passed away,) I asked him what happened. The story he gave me was exactly the same as the one the social worker gave me when I was 25. The one thing I never would have guessed was that my nfather had been searching for me for years and missed me very much the entire time. We have a very, very good relationship.

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  • 1 decade ago

    This is a very good question.

    My aparents told me that my first mom gave me up because she wanted to finish college and couldn't do that and take care of a baby. This left me feeling my whole life like my first mom had chosen a degree over me and that she was either A) a selfish person or B) I wasn't worth keeping.

    This reason may have been what the adoption agency told my aparents just to make them feel comfortable about adopting me. My aparents both have college degrees and hold education in high regard. It probably made sense to them to think someone would want to finish their education. I think that the social worker knew just what to say to them.

    When I met my first mom, she told me that finishing college hadn't been the reason at all. She said that if she could have she would have kept me but her parents, my father and his parents all pressured her to place me for adoption. She felt like she had no choice but to do as they all wanted her to. No help was offered to her and it was made clear that she would be entirely on her own if she chose to keep me.

    Apparently, after she gave birth to me, her family and my father's family told everyone that I was stillborn. Gives me the chills to think about to this day.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    My aparents told me: your bparents loved you so much that... even as a child I knew this was just some pretty thing you tell to kids to make them feel better.

    My bdad told me unbelievable stories (aka LIES) about the reason for my relinquishment. He said that they HAD to give me away to prevent something BAD happening to me. However, he will not say what the something bad was.

    Actually, I believe that my bparents (married at the time of my birth) simply had definite goals that would have been harder and taken longer to achieve with a baby around. I also think that my bdad thinks an exciting lie is better than a simple truth. I disagree with him

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  • 1 decade ago

    I can' truthfully answer this question. I don't know. The agency supposedly contacted her. I do know that I am the product of a married man and an unmarried woman. Unfortunately the agency is known for lying about contacting natural parents. They are known for taking money from adoptees/natural parents and saying that they denied contact. I don't know what the truth is.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I'm an adopted person, and I really don't dwell on why my real parents gave me up. I'm in a great environment, I graduate high school in June, I'm college-bound in September, I have a wonderful family, and I'm thankful for everything and everyone I have. My aunt of my current family is the one who connected my old family with my new to get me adopted to where I am, so she is pretty much the reason that I'm here.

    However, I used to always feel that it's my real parents responsibility to contact me. If they really wanted to be in touch with me, they would do so. Also, I'm one of many kids that they have adopted, and I have siblings out there that are pretty much unaware of my existance. Unfortunately, I've been told that my sister has a lot of problems, and I have another sibling out there somewhere.

    In general, I just can't see much good with making my presence known. I have been contemplating lately of contacting my real dad / inviting him to my graduation party, if anything to let him know everything is ok. The last thing I want to do is make things awkward for anyone.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I am not adopted, but did raise two foster children a few years ago. I am very lucky to have been raised and loved by my real parents. I have read each of the stories here and it sounds to me, that each situation was for the best. You all sound like really nice people with your heads on straight. It sounds like you were loved while growing up. Good luck to each of you and god bless.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I have not met my birth parents.....but my brother has an interesting story. He was told his mother was a young, poor woman who could not afford to keep him. We know he is part native american so it was assumed that his mother was probably from a reservation

    He met his bio mother and found out that she was not young or poor or Native American. She was a middle class woman who was having an affair with a very influential mafia-type man who apparently was very violent and threatened to kill her if she did not give the baby up. His mother apparently always regretted this and searched for my bro for 40 years. My brother never wanted to be found and was extremely upset by the info he learned about his bio dad who had a history of violence and criminal activity.

    I think my brother sort of liked the made-story more than the reality of his birth story :) He has handled it well, but does not maintain contact with his bio mom.

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  • 1 decade ago

    What I didn't know was how much a role my first mom's mom played in my relinquishment. Essentially, she made my first mom (who was 19, nearly 20 at the time) give me up. My grandmother, from all reports, is a very dominant woman, and her daughter never would have questioned her demands (not at that time, anyway). From every thing she has told me, if she had known it was an option to keep me, she would have.

    I figured she was just too young or not ready. But from what she has told me, that wasn't really the case. Not exactly, anyway.

    Source(s): Living life as an adoptee one day at a time
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