幫我改 二十點喔

我下禮拜要考托福作文IBT 我先練習幾個 這是我自己寫的 幫我改完順便給我意見吧 我自己覺得我的structure不夠活 寫的時候就有限制 可以順便給我ㄧ些像有用的單字或STRUCTURE形式嗎 順便幫我從打一篇可以滿分但是一樣題目 還有幫我說說我缺點在哪還有我大概幾分 我老師說我大概滿分30 RANGE 是 20-25 我出國一年而已 英文這樣算可以嗎? 知道問題很多所以二十點 題目如下 tv shows influence the behavior of children : It is ongoing that more children's... show more 我下禮拜要考托福作文IBT
我先練習幾個
這是我自己寫的
幫我改完順便給我意見吧
我自己覺得我的structure不夠活
寫的時候就有限制
可以順便給我ㄧ些像有用的單字或STRUCTURE形式嗎
順便幫我從打一篇可以滿分但是一樣題目
還有幫我說說我缺點在哪還有我大概幾分
我老師說我大概滿分30 RANGE 是 20-25 我出國一年而已
英文這樣算可以嗎?
知道問題很多所以二十點
題目如下
tv shows influence the behavior of children


:
It is ongoing that more children's behavior are related to the shows on TV. Those teenagers may act like their idols on the TV or learn some bad behavior from violent programming.
Albeit some of the shows are not totally neggative, neverthless, most of the programs will virtually exaggerate the reality and broadcast violent scene due to the audience rating.
Nowadays, children are fond of watching TV, therefore in order to attract more audiences. The program producers will attempt to put some bloody or fighting scene to spark their interest. Thus, if one constantly watching those types of shows. There is a greatly high possibility that he/she will pretend or imitate the characters on the programs or learn to be bully and violent in the real life.
Another major issue to influence the children is the change of personality, because of the fighting scene, extensive children might admire the fighting skills. It results to become bully and easier to ger anger. The adverse effect can not be ignored in the comtemprorary society.
As the aforementioned statements, the drawbacks to watch the particular shows are obvious. Futhermore, the affections to the children are conceivable as well. In conclusion, it is of vital importance to prohibit and ban the violent programs on the television.
Update: 對了我陷再高二
這樣英文會不會算怎樣我真的沒概念
現在在加拿大但是才出國一年
Update 2: 我現在高二
英文這樣會不會太爛
我在加拿大但是才出國一年
大部分出國一年英文是不是應該比這樣好??
我真的沒概念
拜託Answer me
Update 3: 我覺得下面第一篇 感覺有點差不多耶= =
Update 4: 有人能回答我問ㄉ問題嗎
還有給我些意見
Update 5: 我沒有要炫耀阿
我真的覺得英文不好跟國外小朋友比
像我上面錯很多我後來有發現
我才高二耶
哪新機那麼重
4 answers 4