Are problems with the husband reasons for problems with the son?

Here is my problem. My husband has some pretty serious issues with anger, and with the fact that he does not like to accept responsibility for our sons' behavior. Our son acts exactly like he does and when your 12 that is unacceptable. Any punishment I have tried with my son my husband overrules and lets him do what he wants anyway, and than I get blamed as his bad behavior progresses. I am getting to the point where I am contemplating leaving him, just to keep the kids from having to be around him all the time, maybe that would help. I just dont know what to do. I really wish I could figure this out but my husband wont bend any to what we need to do to help him. I guess I need advice

20 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First you need to accept the fact that the damage is already done to the twelve year old. He will act just like his father.

    Then you need to realize that the only person you can change in this situation is yourself.

    After that, it is decision time for you.

    Merry Christmas. I will pray for you.

  • 1 decade ago

    i would suggest couples counseling, then maybe family. But your husband would not go, i can tell that right now. Yes, you are totally right about your son copying his dad's behavior, but at this point, it has now become part of your son's natural behavior, so it is your son that needs corrected. Your husband is doing the worst thing he can, all and any counselor will tell you, that both parents must come together with decision about disciplining among other child rearing issues. If there is disagreement it should not be seen by the child, but discussed in privacy by the adults. Children must see parents work as a team. You need to get help with your son, hopefully counseling. You husband does not wish to help his son, and it is his son who will pay the price unfortunately. Only you can decide to stay or not. But if it takes leaving, to get your husband to agree, to change and help, then i may be worth a try. Unfortunately, the way we've raised our kids comes back to us, usually when we're too old and tired to deal with it and other times it comes in the shape of our grandchildren.

  • 1 decade ago

    I do not want to hurt your feelings lady, but I strongly believe you woke up a little too late, your son is now 12 & it sounds to me as if you let your husband being an *** for a long time, I have the feeling there's alot more to the story than your husbands anger, but again you let it go for so long that now the kid acts out like the father, of course, cause you did not step up to the plate ions ago, you sound as if you hiding more whats wrong w/hubby, am I right, if you think you wanna leave hubby what about the kids, do they want to go w/you?

    the boy could tell you he wants to be w/dad, what then? I wonder how you define he has a anger problem, is it yelling, braking stuff, or is he worse than mentioned by me? If he's any of what I mentioned & then some you should get the hell out cause he will get worse w/time, no one can tell you whats right for you lady, you have to be ready to get out, & I do not think you are at that point otherwise you would've already been gone, be careful & do not let it accelerate to worse moments in your home, I was for over 10 yrs. in a abusive marriage, physical & mental abuse, one day I stood up for myself & hit back, he couldn't believe it at first, was stunt & then he was in a rage & he tried to beat on me, but I stood my

    ground w/a very big knife in my hand, told him if he comes any closer this time I will kill him, I guess he seen in my eyes I meant every word & to my surprise he backed off, that is now over 20 yrs. ago, but I still know how it felt not to be scared anymore, GREAT, ever since then I never ever tolerated a man around me who has anger issues, you alone know what you must do for your kids & yourself, if you are scared of your husband then mk. a plan to leave first, try to have some help from friends/family who my give you shelter, or speak to the helplines which are out there now everywhere, I did not have all the options 20 some yrs. ago you have now, please weigh all your options, then put your plan together & do what is right

    for the kids & you.... I think you already know what the right thing is, dont you? I wish you & your kids the very best............

  • 1 decade ago

    Parents are supposed to unite when raising a child together. Consistency is the key.

    Your husband is either with you or he is against you. Perhaps you need to stand strong and tell him this. Tell him the boy needs to disciplined or the behavior will continue. Buy him a parenting book and tell him that once he has read what conflicting parenting does to a child that he can have a say in how the boy is punished. Your husband is showing your son how to treat his future wife.

    Sometimes my husband doesn't agree with me on the whole about how I choose to discipline the kids because I am stricter with them than my husband is but he never goes against me when I have laid down the law and he would never tell the kids to disregard what I have told them to do. If he has a problem with a line of discipline then he waits until we have time alone and he comes and discusses it with ME. If he states his case reasonably and I feel that what he has said is fair then the next time we have to deal with a particular situation then I take his comments on board.

    I do feel that nothing will change with your son until your husband changes his behavior. Perhaps marriage counseling might be beneficial. If the counseling doesn't work or he is not prepared to go them as difficult as it may be, you may have to leave, if only for the short term until he comes to his senses and sees what he is doing to his family.

    Your son may be able to get counseling himself on better ways to deal with his anger and I think that might help in the first place.

    Good luck with your decision

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  • 1 decade ago

    I've always wondered that...."like father, like son" and how in a way that is something to be so proud of, but then, if the father is abusive then the son is also abusive (or mean, or cheats, or lies, or whatever). You're right, it starts with the father and if he doesn't see anything wrong with himself then you DO have a problem. Your son WANTS to make his father proud by acting just like that country song "I'm Your Buckaroo"...but also, like that song...the father has to realize it's his job to teach and guide his child to make the world a BETTER place. How hard for you to have to deal with this...with no support. Your husband is all grown up now, and he may not change...but your son has years yet to learn how to be a better man. It might not be too late, Mom. Asking this question is the first step. Raising a son who is respectful and kind is the end result. Good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    Something has to change. My stepson is 19 now and on his own. My husband struggled keeping us both happy and always being in the middle. But he was very supportive and when we made parenting decisions, we did not contradict one another.

    He has to put his marriage first with his kids a very close 2nd. His kids won't always be little and you will always be by his side as his wife. I don't know what to tell you other than try to have conversations with him when you are not angry or upset. If you feel strongly about it, leave even if it's just for a few days and come back to discuss it seriously and let him know there have to be some non-negotiables that you agree on when dealing with his kiddos.

  • 4 years ago

    I never advocate separation or divorce. I have seen couples come from hopeless situations and, through a lot of hard work, manage to make it work. The first thing you need to do it talk to your husband. Going three days without speaking is unhealthy for your relationship, for yourself, and also not doing good things for your son. Children notice silence between adults just as much as they notice loud arguments. Explain to him how you feel about the situation with his mother. Why won't you allow his mother to take care of your son? She is his grandmother. If you don't feel comfortable doing it for long periods of time, ask her to look after him while you go grocery shopping, or while you go to the gym. This way she doesn't feel alienated, but she also doesn't have him for entire days. Is it a safety issue? I don't understand why you don't allow her to see her grandson. Anyway, the issue with your husband's sister is a family issue. That still is his family, although he has another family in you and your child. He's being immature saying that he's going to "beat up" the guy who got his sister pregnant. It takes two to tango. the boy doesn't have a choice in being involved. He has to pay child support, by law. These are small things that are causing you to fight, which suggests that there is something bigger lingering under the surface. If you and your husband have an opportunity to sit down and discuss things, the bigger issue may expose itslf. If you have the means, seek professional counseling. Whether or not you are religious, preachers and clergy members are very good counselors, and they are generally very affordable, if not free. It doesn't sound like you are completely commited to the marriage, since you ask "is it time" to leave. It is never "time to" let go of a commitment that you made for the rest of your life (except in situations of abuse/adultery). You need to commit yourself to this marriage, and accept your husband's flaws along with his good points. In-laws are something that every family deals with. The problems with them can be overcome.

  • 1 decade ago

    Your husband is a huge influence on your kids. They look up to him. If he is contradicting any punishment you give then you have to do whats best for the kids. You have to teach them manners or respect. divorce isn't the issue. If yuo divorce him you will destroy your children. They wont enjoy going back and forth and seeing their parents fight like that. They also might allianate you if you divorce your husband because he wont be punishing them and you will. You should try taking some time off and show that you are really concidering it. Try and talk to your husband. Explain to both your husband and your kids that they need disapline. IIt says in the Bible that a parent who disiplines there son is a good parent and one who does not is a bad parent. You really need to teach these kids right from wrong.

  • 1 decade ago

    It absolutely will help to take your husband out of the picture. But you'll still need resources to get your son and other children back to a state of equilibrium. Your husband is the primary problem, and if he refuses to help, because that means he must be a mature adult and accept responsibility, then I don't see how you're going to have any chance to resolve the problems with your son that your husband has helped create.

  • 1 decade ago

    your husband needs to change his behaviour. Parents set the example for children. Such behaviour from him is really unacceptable. I'm not sure whether leaving him is a good alternative. I think seeking help from a counsellor might be better. The whole family should have a session. Sometimes it takes a third party to knock some sense into someone esle. However, if he's physically and verbally abusive to you and the children, then you should leave (i hope he isn't?).

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Ok, im only 21 (next month) and i've probably seen my dad less than a handfull of times in my life, so has my brother, yet, he still acts EXACTLY the same as him even with the rare visits from our dad (eww i hate calling him that really...) There is another instance of this with anothe brother but he has a different father. Same results... both splitting images personality wise....

    I would have to say its an inherited trait in your case... might wait a bit longer then leave and beat that attitude out of your son.

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